Takmou: 1950s

Today important day. Ba take me to get birth certificate so I can go to big children’s school. We stop at noodle stand outside market. Large bowl sizzling noodles shrimp. Big treat for big girl, Ba says. Usually only New Year have noodle soup. So expensive.

Downtown Takmou always crowded, people shopping, bringing fish and ducks and chickens to market in old trucks and carts. Cars and buses cross bridge over Mekong, many pass through Takmou on way to Vietnam.

I daughter number three in family of five girls, one boy. We live in Takmou alongside Highway 2 just outside Phnom Phen. Highway always so busy. bicycles, cars, motos, carts drawn by water buffalo. Big park with lake across highway.
Ba’s brother and family live next door, we in and out each other’s home every day, like no walls. Houses small, concrete, two stories, three walls front to back, room in middle open to sky.

Big family. We all so poor. Live behind Grandmother’s house behind field of lemongrass, Banana, palm and banyan trees. Chickens, cats, children everywhere. Families cook outside. Kids play in small alleys. Buddhist Temple just one house away from our house. Go to school here, study Khmer and Buddhism. Everybody visit Temple when have problem. Bring roast pig, fruit. Ask monk question.
Monk shake sticks and say “pick one.”

Always do what monk says or bad luck.



I no like G. She not very sweet, very strict.

She no like Mae. Always say “She so dumb.” Mae from wealthy Kandal family, own big fish company. Never understand she not like Mae, why she agreed to marriage in first place. Why she travel long journey to ask permission for Ba to marry Mae if she not want her as daughter?

Every three years my parents have another child. But something goes wrong with their last child. Mom is pregnant and one day I notice she not pregnanat any more. The baby die. We never talk about it, even though Mi very sad. Our family very quiet.

I am 10 when her health becomes so bad older sister leave school to take care of the family. Ba is too busy. Everyone thinks an evil spirit has possessed Mae. There shame on family. We do something wrong.

Mi always frightened. See heart beating fast under shirt. Her throat pulses like frog , she no sleep. We think maybe neighbor angry with her cast spell on her. We have to find someone to chase out evil spirit. This becomes my job, traveling with Mae every shaman and healer we find.

Many times healers live far away and Mae leave home for awhile. Older sisters stay home run business. My older brother? He the big man. He only one who continues school and when he home he make decisions for family.

Sometime G come with us to healing. One day Mae sit in chair inside circle, Indian people dance and sing around her. Burn incense very powerful smell, smoke hurt eyes. along. Healer play Cambodian drum. Ghost comes into his body he shake all over with spirit inside him. Dance wild. One day put something black in her mouth. She chew something, open her mouth again, drop some liquid in.

Sometimes she a little better. Every night I give her massage help her sleep.


Healing

The sun traveling up, up towards roof sky when little bus stop at Dram-Ka.

“Staight ahead, three mile,” driver say. “You see vat. Big Buddha statue. Only one arm. Turn there. Follow nose. Incense. Very strong.”

Mae and I stop at very, very old coconut juice stand, Big holes in red canvas roof. Owner asleep on bicyle.

“Uncle, wake up. We need some drink.”

Old man slow getting to feet. His soiled krama wet with sweat. crack lenses in glasses.

He hack off head of two baby green coconuts, slips straw inside each. I pay him rire. We walk. We get energy from cold white juice. Tastes so good.

Mae walk so slow. She not understand where we go.

“Why we here, Pom? Where we going? Want to go home.”

So many times I grab her arm, stop her from turning back.

“Mae, No. We go see doctor. He make you better.”

Mae’s eyes so scared. What she doing out here with little daughter? Her hands shaking so bad.

“It’s okay, Mae. I take care of you. Not too far.”


We walk in mid day heat. dirt path between brave green rice fields. Water buffalo walk so slow. No people look up from their work. No faces, only big straw circle hats. Rice paddies so big, way back to where hazy blue sky touches field.

I wish so bad big sister here. I too little to do this. So frightened to be
boss. Afraid to be with Mae. I try not worry, link arms. Start to hum song to calm her down. So afraid I loose her. What if she just pull away and run? What I do then?

Now we in small forest. Much cooler. Noisey monkeys play high in deep green branches. Many birds talk. Too many crickets. Walk faster, Mae. Walk faster. Maybe big tiger here. Not feel so safe. Mae so scared now, she pull away from me, try to run back.

Grab her arm, pull her with me. She crying now. Crying and screaming. Just walk, Mae. Just walk. You feel much better. You see.

It so hard, almost carrying Mae. Maybe she sick but she still strong. We fall couple times and everytime I rush to feet before her. Pull her up. Big big bump in my throat, heart beat so fast, hard to breath, fear runs through body. How I get her there?

Outside forest few small houses. Three, maybe four young monks sitting outside vat. Sun so hot their bright yellow robes blinding like sun.

Mae wants to sit down outside temple. “We almost there, Mae. Just two minutes.”

We sit next to one-armed Buddha. Two children play Bay Khoum. So long since I play this game. Big board with eight small holes in front, two in back. First child drops beads one by one into eight holes until only six beads left. Then pick up all beads in hole next to empty hole. Pick all beads up. They confused about game. They not know how to play. Start yelling at each other.

I too tired to tell them. It not my place anyway.Tall monk come over to stop fighting. Lead them back into vat.

I urge Mae onto feet again. Overgrown path, sticky berry plants scratch white lines on legs and arms. Families of cats sleep under young cherry blossom trees, huge banana plants. Sandalwood smell incense pull us forward. Small hut. Many ducks and chickens. Dirty white horse. No door. I push aside heavy strings of bandar beads. Look inside.

Altars, everywhere candles, little smoke pods from incense, fruit, flowers. Wrinkled old man wearning loincloth look up.

“Kru khmae? Bad spirit make my mother so sick. You help her?”

Pull fist of coins from pocket. Mae crying so hard she fall on ground. I put coins on huge altar.

Kru Khame stand, walk over to Mae, bend down. Lift her face in wrinkled brown hand. He so gentle. She stop crying like that.

“You wait outside,” he say. “No children here.”

Rain come so strong … white flower from plum tree fall on ground, some in my hair. World smell so pretty. Sit under big banyan tree, still get wet. Not know how many hours Mae inside. When she finally come out she look very calm. I take her hand and we walk across little white flowers layer ground like snowflakes. Rain stop, big clouds separate. Sky dark blue just before nightfall.

***

Now i 16 and Maenot better. Nurse soldier visit our house few days week give her medication.

He a lot older than me but soon he start coming to see me every night. So romantic. We whisper to each other in dark, he stand below my window. I don’t know if anyone hear us. We no care. One night we meet secretly outside house, hold hands and kiss and talk. He want to marry me. I know he married with a couple kids, but he tell me he not love his wife. I so young. I believe him. So exciting, being in love, having someone so handsome love me.

Nothing free in this life. One day his wife and kids comestay with him – he live only few houses away from us – and I think "I cannot do this anymore." I tell Mi he say he want to marry me.

"Why you want to marry married man?” she ask. I say not know,maybe love him.

Then soldier send someone to ask my mom if he can marry me and my mom say “No, you already married.” Even though okay in Cambodia for man to have old and young wife, Mae not want this for me. He warn them they not give me to him he going to come and kidnap me.

My parents so afraid. Make arrangements to send me to live in Phnom Phen with family Ba knows. I only 17 and Mae has to send me away.

Oh my poor mom, she never have fun. Mother in law hate her. She has lot of kids and and then she is sick. Now I leaving her.



Doctor Friend In Phnom Phen
His parents and mine have the same last name, and in Cambodia that makes you like family. When he was young he came to our house and stayed while he went to high school and college. I am four years younger than him. His family is middle class, richer than us.
Chapter 3
Takmou: 1967

• The majority of the Khmer live in rural villages either as rice farmers or fishermen and life revolves around the vat (temple) and the various Buddhist ceremonies throughout the year. However, if a Khmer becomes ill, they will frequently see a kru khmae (shaman/healer) whom they believe can diagnose which of the many spirits (neak ta) has caused the illness and recommend a course of action to propitiate the offended spirit, thereby curing the illness.

Rubbing is usually in the same areas as pinching and involves firmly rubbing of lubricated skin with a spoon or a coin in order to bring toxic "air" to the body surface. In the hot-cold theory, illness is caused by an alteration in

Unmistakable emotional disturbance is usually attributed to possession by malicious spirits; to bad karma accumulated by misdeeds in past lives; or to the bad luck of familial inheritance. Partially due to its attribution to immoral causes, mental illness is commonly denied and feared. The disturbed individuals are protected by their family and if outsiders become aware of the mental illness, great shame is brought to the family.