Kou: Arrest

Pond dries. Nowhere to wash. so angry as I walk home. hurrying because sun is setting, already my eyes are fogging over. Night blindness. Every night. Maybe I have a fever, maybe I am possessed by some wicked spirit that means me harm. Who know. But when I see my neibhor with his two children as I approach my house, I loose my head.
“They say they make country better,” I say, as I walk up to them. “Country not better because now we have no water to take a bath. How can they do this?”
Right away, I know I make a mistake. silence is so loud . They do not greet me, say nothing. young man standing with them.Some stranger. Whatever, I think, walking on. Just someone new to camp.
Two weeks go by. I sit in front of my house, no work today. Two Khmer officers are walking from dining tent.
“Oh, somebody in trouble,” I think. “Somebody else disappear today.”
Army officers are getting closer. Hut by hut, everyone look so happy when they not stop at their home. Sound of their boots only noise, so loud. Noone talking.
I am watching so hard I guess I am last one to realize they come for me. Sun leave my body, liltle grasshoppers jumping all over inside. Teeth chattering even nore noise than boots. Can hardly breathe.
They stop in front of me. My eyes roll back in my head in horror.
“You have to come to Kamatoo right now,” one of them says. He so ugly, a big broken nose, face pocked like a plucked chicken. Big belly
“Nothing wrong,” the other solder is tall and skinny, not like me, more normal skinny and he smile as he reaches down and grasps my arm. “The major just want to talk to you about school.”
I dig my feet into the steamy soil. Struggle against this man so hard. Where this energy come from?,
“No school for me. I not want to die.” I am screaming and my sisters run outside, hold onto each other. Crying already. going to die. I battle these horrible men. I fight for my life. All this time, I think I do not want to go on, I want to leave this body, I pray that my eyes do not open. Why I want to live so bad? So strange, I think. So strange you fight so hard. What for? You only going to die anyway.
“You don’t want me, Big mistake. Please. Who take care of my little sister.”
“Go with them,” big sister sobs. “Just a couple days. You come home. You have to go.”
I know she does not believe this. She just want tomake me not so frightened.

We walk, rice field after rice field, single file, one in front, one in back. Sun sink in sky. Oh how I want Mi. Where she now? So tired, legs so weak. Stumble, fall to the ground. Need rest.
“Go, go.” Man behind me is impatient. He wants me to walk faster. I grab onto weeds in the ground but he rips me upward, pushes me forward with butt of his rifle.
Now finally my tears, too, gone. They too frightened.
“Don’t hurt me, please. Don’t hurt me.”
We walk maybe half day come to giant temple. Just sitting there like before, like nothing bad happening here in my land. A rush of happy childhood memories. Maybe not so bad, I think. Maybe some kind of school afterall.
They push me up the steps and through the door. I only think about water.
Even before I see anything , my stomach tight at smell, the hot air rotting with garbage, sweat, urine and feces . We move inside and now I know where they take me. This is last destination of disappeared.
So dark inside. Think I scared before but not prepared for this. line after line of college students sit on floor, legs in front of them. Long chains stretch from one end of temple to other, binding cuffed feet together. Small dried fish trapped in a can, packed tight against each other. Temple seals their silence. big sunken eyes talk. No terror. No hope. Death faces.
Torture screams like never hear before from behind huge Buddha near back of temple. Death faces no change. Man dragged outside, hear door slamming. Empty eyes stare straight ahead.
Soldiers push me down at end of row near middle. No chains on my feet.
Oh I do not know how I sit here with this terror. Waiting for death. I am praying, I call out to Mi, ask her to take me away. Come back for me, Mi. This mistake. When mayor see me he know. Wrong person. Angry with guards for wasting time. Send me home. Sisters so happy. Treat me best. Give me most food. Everybody so happy, Just mistake.
Much later, they bring us food. Already I no see. Everything black. A bowl of rice and dry fish. Lie down and sleep. Wake later when something hits me on the back. I sit up and feel around me in the midnight. Fingers find a mango.
In morning I eat mango with rice. I see now, look around. Noone else eating. Too sick. Close to dying. Look on their face, still same, look I see on Mi, on Shrey Mom. Now hundreds of death faces. Do I have death face, too? How I know this? I not see my face in years.
When they finally come for me, I know where; back behind the Buddha. Torture room. The big man stands in front of me.
“Uncle, please don’t hurt me. Please.” My hands are under my chin. “Whatever I say, I don’t mean anything. I so hungry, so starving,”
He no care what I say. He no listen.
“Who your husband?”
“My husband rhickshaw man.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, yes. He rickshaw man. Many years.”
“What you do for living before here?”
‘I sell fruit, sometimes clothes.”
They ask so many questions. I know they want to hit me. But they know I going to die soon. Why bother?
Big man just waves me away.
Later, guards let me go outside to bathroom. I see two men standing outside their arms and legs chained to temple wall. No clothes. And then I see that man, that man next to my neighbor when I complain about no water.He smile at me. He spy. He bring me here. Oh, I so stupid. Why I so stupid?
Next day again behind Buddha.
“Mut,” the mayor says. “You are going to tell us truth or you die like others.”
“No truth to tell, uncle. Big mistake. Please, don’t hurt me.”
They wrap my head in plastic bag. Tell truth or you die.
Tight across my face, my hands tear at plastic. My breath sucks suffocating fabric deep into mouth like snail swallowing its skin. My body battles, battles until spirit stills. I feel Mi with me. Like when she ask me to take her with me if I try to escape. She here now. I know not going to die that day.
I look out behind mask, everything so slow. Why they screaming at me? Why they twisting my fingers, kicking my legs with filthy feet? So peaceful inside. Just want to sleep now. No pain. My eyes closing.
Dreaming about Mi. She right beside me. My finger hurt so bad. She come and blow on it. I hear someone calling me. Open eyes. Is this Temple again?
“I thought you dead.” A ghost-girl beside me. I look around. Oh, no. Back in temple with death masks still waiting to die. Mi? I look down at finger; feel her breath.. Close my eyes. Go home to Mi.
Another day. They come for me again. Same questions. No plastic bag this time. Mayor tells me to take buckets of feces and dump them outside. Two buckets . I so weak need two hands each bucket. Dirty body-waste slush over top, cover my hands.
Big man is gone when finish. Guard yell, “Wash your hands. Come with me.”
We are on bicycle now.
“Where you take me? Where we going?” He no answer, keep pedalling. Keep asking.
“Where you think you going?” he finally ask. I look and look around me. So frightened. No idea. Like nightmare. Time go by. I feel like a rag doll on that ride, flopping all over, no control. I think my mind …
“Oh, look that tree there. Look like near my house.”
The guard think I crazy because near my house I don’t recognize. Oh that tree is similar. I think I see that tree before but I don’t know where. He take me past my house. Oh that look like my house.
Guard take me to leaer house. I lucky, he say. From now on be careful. Next time I not lucky. I walk home, see all these people so happy, crying to see me. Hugging me.
I keep pulling away, pushing them away. They scare me. They look like monkeys. They turn into monkeys when I gone. What happened? Maybe I not belong here anymore.
“Do you not recognize me, Dong? I your sister.” One of the monkeys takes my arm, she crying so hard. “We think we never see you again.”
I look around as we walk toward house.
“Where Mi? I want Mi….”
“Mi dead. You remember.
What she know? How she know Mi visit me? I keep my secret. Pretend I really coming home. I remember this place but it so long ago. No idea I would ever come back.