Kou: Kandal,1975

Thousands and thousands of people everywhere around big temple. Lots of food. Maybe soldiers take good care of us after all. Family find place to rest in crowd. See many people we know.

Everybody think Khmer Rouge ‘freedom fighters’ now. Couple days radio says Lon Nal defeated in Phnom Phen. Everybody cheer. Good news. Now we go home!

Almost right away, big trucks drive around. Young soldiers talk through megaphones. “Not safe yet,” they tell us. “Nobody go home yet. Plenty food here. We wait.”

Young KR soldier know from chlldhood. He nothing to me.
One day he come hit me on side head say “You be good.”

“Ohhhh, now you big KR,” I pretend fear. He know he nobody. He not hurt me.

Everybody still hope but wake up one morning see KR trucks taking people away. Every city family go to host family in country. A KR family.

We so lucky Mae’s family so near. Only one week and Mae’s brother come to pick us up. Not everybody fit in small boat. My uncle’s son take Akmow. That night just across lake hear dog howling. Oh, Akmow. You okay. We come get you.

Next day soldier-friend come ask if he can take Akmou. Donate him to KR.

“You crazy? Never give Akmou away. He my daughter’s dog. He with us since puppy. Go away.”

Uncle warn me be careful with KR but I no care. He not frighten me.

One of children get measles. Oh that boy so very sick. He need blood from magic black dog. Ba mix herbs to cure, cut Akmou’s ear, just little cut to get magic black dog blood.

Akmou never same after this. He just sleep a lot. He such a good dog, just a wild dog. He never like girls. Sometimes I see females for him, he not interested.
Akmou die at uncles.

We go to live with Mae’s brother. Host family live short walk away, Mae, Shrey-mom and I live under house in chicken coop. Ba not sleep with us.

Things fine, start to see many people I know before. But there such sense of dread. Worst yet to come.

Uncle’s wife tell me one day, “You be careful what you talk about. Don’t say anything about your past. Don’t complain.”

Be dam kou.

I work in field playing scarecrow scare birds away. Cousin come by on bicycle.

“Quick, he say, “take you to see sister-in-law

Everyone follow him. Family so rich, Know so many people. Cook big meal for us. Give us back suitcase of Ba’s things. Tell us Pol Pot turn calendar back to Year O. Cambodia new country, separate from world, cut out everything old for blank slate. No yesterday. Never go home. Forget it. Even money not buy way home.
***

Happy day. Shrey-Mom playing in lake. Many people there, laughing having fun. First time joy.

Come home, little aunt call me.

“What wrong with you? Why you not listen to me?”

She grab scissors and cut off all my hair. I crying. “This not party. You can’t go around looking pretty. Your life going to change.”

How can life change more? What does she know she not telling me?

Every night around sunset I put Shrey-mom to bed, watch the sunset and cry. Feel so sick everyday. Know I having baby. Can’t imagine bring new baby into this world. Decide must kill baby.
Start to climb tall trees, jump off land on stomach, dive into lake so stomach hit bottom. No luck, baby continue to grow in me.

Then two of my sisters arrive; one pregnant, other with new baby maybe one month old. This make it harder. I embarassed that none of us has husband for our children.

So many of my friends from past; I wonder what has become of them.

Every morning someone else missing. Hear dogs barking at night, next day someone, maybe whole family, disappear. I know they say too much. Not follow rules. Here not possible to know who your enemy. Everyone out for themselves.

One family she without husband, just like me, one daugher. She so beautiful, husband so rich. Her mom take care of her.

She come get me every night, she talk.

“You be careful about this,” I say. “Don’t ever talk about your past. Remember, the walls have ears. Don’t ever say anything.”

She not listen. Then one day she gone. Look everywhere. Mi’s friends, walk to uncles’s house. Noone see her. In afternoon her mom come outside with little girl. I rush up to her; She crying, not want anyone to see.

“Where Donc?”

“Anghar come last night,” she say. “Take her away to school. Maybe she back soon.”

Oh, beautiful friend, why you not listen? Now you gone forever. No one come home from school. Everybody know that.

“Maybe they think she CIA,” sister say.

“What CIA?”

“Worst thing to be CIA. Bad people. US. That why they kill you.”

My stomach get bigger and bigger but never feel baby move. I so worried, never tell Mae I pregnant.

Then maybe 7 months pass when pains begin. Call out to Mae to tell her. She sends Ba for boiling water.

There under house where animals live baby boy born, look very healthy. Start fire under bed to keep child warm. Just like with Shrey-Mom, just like with me, Just like with Mae. Old Cambodian tradition make me feel so safe. Hold my baby, fire underneath us. No worry tonight.

***

Sky color of peacock eggs remind me of home. Oh such a mess now, no time to clean before leaving. Papers, dishes, pans, pictures, clothing, everything on floor, spilling out of cabinets. Squish nose. Musty. Dense blanket dust.

Open windows. Lotus blossom smell enters with river breeze. Maybe not so bad. Maybe half day everything clean, back in order. Like nothing happen.

Every day dream about home. Not tell anyone. Not safe to talk about past. Unka make you disappear they hear you. Cambodia gone. Now Democratic Kampuchia. We build new country. Take five year.

I not believe them. They scare me before. Now I know they not so bad. Just no talk. No complain. Get food to eat. Stay with family. Some things okay here. Mi with her family. She happy. Not mind sleeping under house with chickens. She very strong, brave. Not blame Ba like me. Shrey-Mom play with cousins just like before. Love baby brother.

Still, I worry, what about Kuan? How he ever find me now? He not know where to look, never visit Mi family. Uniform still at house. He know something bad happen. He not know we still alive. Not even know he daddy.

Shrey-mom waking up dust with long skinny reed, drawing little pictures in dry ground as we walk towards Grandma’s house. Gentle baby songs soothe her brother to sleep; his body sags against my chest with deep sigh of release. As we round corner, see house. Two big dirty white KR trucks parked outside, small group child-sized soldiers talking to my parents. Long before see Mi’s face smell her fear. Silent but all around her like halo beaming out across fields like parallel bolts of earthbound lightening. So powerful I stop walking, pull Shey-mom to my side.

“Sssssh….”

Ba calm her terror. He reach out grasp Mi’s arm steady her, as he talks with soldiers. Voices so quiet. I see Ba nod his head,he bow slightly to soldiers. they return to trucks and drive away.

Mi and Ba already inside when I arrive.

“What happen? Everything okay?”

Ba is one to tell me. “Soldiers say we leave tomorrow. Go much better place. Lots of food, work for everyone. Many friends already there. You see, much better.”

“I don’t want to go,” I cry. “We happy here. Why we need to leave?”

“Okay, Kim, we okay. Much better. You see. No worry.”

Mi say nothing. Her face very still but in her throat that frog hopping around again.

Open eyes before sun. Shrey-Mom still sleeping, her head under blanket.

“Oh, little girl,” I think. “Why they not keep you here? You too little for all this trouble. How I take care of you?”

Uncle come downstairs and hand Ba a sac of rice and bundle of pickled fish. He happy for us. Still no idea where we go, but no problem, he say. Remember last time. We find you. Things go wrong, find you again.

Mi’s little sister stands outside waiting. She see me and come over with small bag of rice.

“You need more food for family,” she say. “I give you this for your gold chain.”
I don’t even think about it, just unclasp chain, hand to her and turn away to join group of people walking to river. I know I never see her again. Never see any of Mi’s family again.
Five or six boats waiting for us on riverbank. Ferry group after group of people to other side. Order us into big cattle trucks, no windows , a couple family each truck. One guard black uniform in back of truck with us. Not so long to train station,he tell us.
Why I the only one who sad? I watch out back of truck as we move out. See family’s house. Oh, they so rich, they no have problem. Why they stay and we go? Why they not take care of us?
At train station everyone know we going to Battambang. Stand by side of track for hour or so. Peole laughing, talking. Battambang such good idea, they saying. That where the KR first begin with big rice fields before Cambodia collapse. Battambang good place to begin new life. So lucky. Things much better there.
Seats enough for everyone on train. Late afternoon and sun still so hot. Too hot to eat. Dream about swimming now in lake near Grandma’s house. Just yesterday, we swim there. Now already so far away. Where we sleep tonight? Lean against side of traincar, try to sleep, but Po always hungry. He cry so much until I feed him. Everytime think he sleep he cry again. So tired, hard to keep eyes open. At least Shrey-Mom sleeps, her head on my lap underneath her blanket. She must be so hot under there. I lift away from her face but she snatches it back without opening her eyes.
This is nighmare again, same nightmare like night we leave Phnom Phen.
Ba gets up, walks to front of traincar and fills bowl with water. Stops beside me to offer some. Just turn face away,maybe better he not see hate in my eyes. I not remember and reach towards throat to touch gold necklace. Why I do that? Why I give to little aunt? She not need it. Only thing I have left. Look out window, but don’t see anything.

Late afternoon. The train stop. Guard order us out. Only couple train cars of people, one hundred maybe, on platform. Very very old and small train station. Sign read Moum Rhoussey. By now everyone so tired, so hungry, no more laughing. One family we know but too weary to talk. Everyone sit alongside track. Waiting but not know what we waiting for.
Day finally getting cooler when next ride arrives. Small wooden wagons each drawn by two cows pull up at station. One wagon for every family. My family lucky, we get ride right away.
Man driving wagon look very mean. He tall and skinney, big scar on cheek. Horse eyes on side of head, maybe he see behind him. We all very quiet. We big family. Very crowded. Children bounce around on our laps. No complain at bumps in road.
Cart stop in front of two houses. Old couple come out from each house to great us as we arrive. Sleep tonight under houses, they say.. Even I so tired, I want to keep going. Why we have to stay here fornight? It not even dark yet, too early for bed. Why we not just keep going until we get to new home? Not understand.
No chance to ask questions. Two more carts arrive and drop off families, old peole turn back into their houses. Mi cooks rice for us and we eat outside. Just as stars first start to appear, we quietly file under house, lie down in row to sleep on the ground. Everyone too tired to care. Just hoping to sleep quick through night to begin journey again.
We just close eyes when man calls out loudy from outside. So early even sun not quite awake, under house cannot yet see one another through darkness. Sisters and I remain still beside our children, but Mi rises and walks out with Ba and their sons-in-law. hear her preparing food, fall back to sleep. Quick as that she calling us to eat. We slow getting up, leave children sleeping.
More rice and pickled fish. No talking anyhere until man who wake us comes over.
“Enough eating,” he says. “You in my group now. This your new home. Everybody go out and cut down things to make your cottage. No time to waste.”
Frog is jumping around like crazy in Mi’s throat. I reach out and put my hand over, calm down. My own hand shaking so hard Mi grab and hold against her heart. Feel my head move violently back and forth, back and forth. Big sobs jerk body. Mi pull me closer into arms. So many years since she hold me. She whispering into and stroking my hair, like I baby. I fold against her reed thin body. Feel explosions of her heartbeat. It pulses throughout her body like hummingbird trapped in deadly gauze of mosquiteo net.
A few minutes she gently pushes me away. Grabs chin, looks into my eyes.
“Have to go help men, Kim,” she says. “You must be strong. You and your sisters stay here, take care children.”
She smiles into my eyes, she strokes my face.
“We together, Kim. We still together. No difference. Family everything, everything we need right here.”
She stands up and walks away with men. Sun rising behind them distorts their shape in new light, they much taller yet very very much like ghosts, You could just reach your hand in and through the other side.
Then suddenly they disappear into morning’s shades.