Sick

Noise chattering teeth wake me. Heavy heat press down on me like turtle shell. Trapped inside thick black blanket freeze with fever. Too guilty to call sister. She need all her strength. Enough to work for both of us now. Pull damp skirt up around waist. Pee through bamboo mat.
No shame, too sick.
Lie still, listen heavy rain. Like every time, worry what if this time eyes stay sleeping? Wide awake terror rush into body, hard to breathe.
For weeks we work in vast rain chest-high water fix broken damn. Need water for next rice crop. Big boss sit and watch us work. See him point to me, ask question to man next to him. Maybe twenty times I fall in rushing water. Only carry one small block clay each time. Too weak, I no help. What he do with me? Big noise as wall of mud slide free from bank. Big boss distracted, look away.
I safe for now.
Each day we eat lunch in field beside the damn. no break from the work. Wash clothes at night, still damp, heavy with mud each morning.
Rain no stop. Every day just after noon I get fever, shaking “ooh, so cold” .then burn with heat
Now too sick to work. Just lie on mat. Sometimes Ta comes to see me, sneak me a couple dry fish. He never talk, just leave food. Crawl over to egg-size piece dry fish wrapped in banana. Enough food for week.
Sometimes my neighbor bring me lunch. More dry fish. Add to dry rice, soak in water. Oh, so hungry. Food all I think about. Sometimes so hungry I eat rain for energy.
“Why you so scared,” I ask myself. “What worse could happen? They kill you because you blind? That a blessing.”
Sound nearby distract me. Woman crying. She call to her mother.
“Wake up, Mae. Wake up.”
She live three huts away. Like me, her mother too sick to work for long time now. Last time I see her, her legs swollen big, skin cracked like dry bark dying stump old oak tree. No way she live long. Her spirit ready to leave. Who want to be that person now? She all dried out, brown inside, no branches left.
Crying, crying, so loud. Want to warn her. “Stop now or they take you, too. Why you carry on so? You had your mom much longer than we did. You lucky.”
So angry. She wake everyone, now everyone tired at work. She so selfish.
Smell of rotting earth, mildew, my pee so powerful I feel stomach in throat. Hot, burning. I turn my head, vomit hot bile.
Sister sleep through everything. When she wake in morning, she notice nothing, smell nothing. She leave bowl hot rice water, Not word.
Much later. So hot. I crawl to open door for air. Older woman walk by. Oh, someone to help me.
“Wait, wait,” Maybe I delirious, I reach out arm. “Will you be my mom?” She has mean face, deep lines, mouth curved down, muddy thin legs. She pass, not even look at me.
Crying dry tears… crying when they come with cart and take neighbor’s body away. She come home to empty house tonight. Now she like me, no life to live for.
Much later I open eyes. Green lizard in mint tree. Just outside. Maybe my body no move, but hunger still move inside me.
“Oh, you lizard, I going to eat you.” That lizard, he know he safe. He play in that tree, tease me forever. No danger from me.
Deep inside just want to die. Sleep, Wake up. Still here. Still starving. Still here.
Only couple day and sister carry me to hospital where Mae die.
“My sister no swallow food,” she say. Then she leave for work.Not even hug me good-bye ,she know what happen to people in hospital. Maybe never see me again.
***
Nurse use herbs and incense burn nine holes on my stomach. My throat so hot, gas come up. Only rice come out. Body stop digesting food. Burn my stomach two more times, get better.
Why you make me better? Why you not let me die? Why you want me live so hungry? This not living. Better dead.
Lie in bed day after day watching ducks through slats in hospital floor. Quacking big plump white ducks. You just like green salamander, you mean ducks. You know you safe from me. Give me strength to catch you like I catch sister’s chicken. You be so good in soup. When not watching ducks look out into field outside hospital. Every day see Group leader Pong leave with empty sac and head out on long trip across fieds.
Pong many jobs. He mind cows, herd cattle and collect food. I watch every day from hospital; he come home with all sorts of things. Big sack of vegetables. He feed family. His wife so strong, she monster.
“You sick today?” she ask. “Okay, okay. No problem. Just stay home. But no eat.” This what she do with Mae. This how she treat eveyone.
Soon I know exactly what time Pong return. See him from far away. Big sack of food over shoulder. One day I find cane, walk out sit under a tree wait for him. He see me and stop. Give me all kinds of vegetable. Ah, so good, eating sour tamarind before they ripe.
Few days later very very sick man lying on mat beside me. So much pain he cry out every minute. Oh,he going to die soon. Nurse come over, give him something round and black, like Hershey kiss. Very quick he silent, making soft sounds now. He change like that,not same sick anguish man see before.
“What she give you?”
“Something help me go to bathroom. When I go only puss and blood.This helping me.” Then he just fall asleep.
Everyday, sometimes two times nurse give man this hershey kiss medicine. He become so happy. He even start talking to me.
So one day I see nurse come and start groan.
“Oh my stomach hurt so bad. When I poo only blood.”
She give me small piece of medicine. It tastes so good and so I ask again and again. Finally, I give man all of my tamarind and he give me a few magic kisses. Soon I feel so good. Think I too drunk. Fall asleep. Nurses think I am dead. Sister comes to see me and still I sleep. When I wake up find out secret; magic kisses marijuana.

***
I stronger every day and then so hungry. I work around cafeteria so can eat extra food. After they clean fish I say “Oh, don’t throw that away, I take it.” Gather fish heads, skin, liver and make soup. Someone tell me liver help eyes. Soon I see again.
I one of lucky ones, I guess. Soon I leave hospital. Walk home so slow. Nothing there for me anyway.

***
Year One

Oh, how I want to eat clams. There is a small shallow pond green with algae and I walk in and see clams. I start to pick them out of the water.
“What are you doing in there? Get out, get out,” someone call.
I ignore and continue to gather clams.




My sister and I sent to a place far away from our home. The KR are not too strict anymore. After work, you can go find whatever you want to eat. Usually, the men go to find food for the women but we have no man in our family. My sister goes with a neighbor. It is so hot, you have to rest two hours after you eat.

The men tell us to go to the creek. The mud comes up above your knees and dyou stand there until you see a bubble. That means there is a fish underneath. But I am so weak, it is hard for me to walk that far and then when I arrive I get stuck in the mud. I see a big fish, as big as your calf.
“That fish, that fish. My fish,” I call out. I see a man I know from a long time ago, from the train ride to Battambang. He is a mean man. One time he killed his own dog and made a curry. “Can you get it for me? Can you help me?”

He looks over in my direction and sees the fish. He wades over through the mud and grabs it. He walks away. I walk home empty handed, alongside all these men with buckets full of fish. I am so sad. You think a god or angel take care of me because as I am walking around the big cow footprints I suddenly see a fish as big as half an arm swimming in the black water of a cow hole.
I saw a fish big as half arm, swim a little in cow hole. My fish! I catch it and carry it home.

Winter walk to lake to clean,
I have to slide down to get bath and I have to climb up …

I cannot climb too high. Sit down by bamboo gtree and I saw a different, shiney black and fat he is across from me. I got a bamboo stick, oh today

I hity himn with stick on head. One twice nothing he run away.

What they hell you want to eat that thnng? Sister.



The shrimp and we not too hungry anymore. People saying amazing happen. The shrimp in little water. At night shrimp light up and the head of the fish light up too.

The country maybe goihg to be better. For 4 year no birds.

A scarecrow just fly over. I think going to be better.

Things likght up at night.

My group say okay we have to go to the mountain only old people don’t go and just have baby.

Where are we going? 10-15 people walked 2-3 days to get there. We sleep under cow wagon. Nobody youch anybody.

Me and my sister always together. They tell us to go into jungle woods. You have to build tent. We buld all together tent. We sleep on bamboo. Very like party. Don’t have private kitchen. Bowl soup full bowl 2x a day they give uyou lunch and dinner.d

I say okay who ever take care of this mountain, my friend, when yhou get into mtn,, yuou get lost so easy. Go to clean, cut. I think they want to kill you.
I walk by myself, if you want me to be alive you make sure yuou don’t make me hungry. You make me die. You better stop make me hungry. Make me very sick so I can go to clinic again. 2 days im complaining. 3rd day eat at night, I cannot get up and I just lay dowsn there. I hear cannot get up, cannot hear.

2 days my sister feed me a little bit. They take me carry me hammock nylong to cinic, in mountain. Penon Takpoo .

thousands of thousands of peole move everyone to mountains. Clinic, hd to poop. Carried me to toilet. She have to hold me to pee to poop. No bone.

I sleep, whatever

I hear they make somethingh for me to eat. Long vegetable.

They put worm in vegetable, and burn until soft, ddrink it.

Dropper for 7 days, took me back to

Have meeting and people get married, big meeting and then they say today we have 10 couples (singel teenagert at least 10-20 couples) they build them a small house and they give them brand new KR and black panst and black shirts.

On the way frojm mountain I am in a cow wagon with 2 other nurses one man and one woman, man controled wagaon and woman sat with me. I am sleeping. I remember they cross all snall little creek. I got so wet for lunch time they stop at this house. They park under the tree. After they eat they come to ask me, you hungry, I open eyes, I shake my head and open my eyes yes.

White rice, I was shaking and soup with sour fish … that thing saved my life. They so mad. They think I am fakikngn. I feel I have more energy. I lay back. When you are in a coma you hear, my spirit go so deep and deep in jungle, when I hear someone call my name, I come back. Keep going. See all the trees, just go and go… shaking me or nurse want to …. Come back but I cannot talk.



After eat take whole day to come to my house. But me in KR clinic. Thjey still hage a couple nurse in there. Stay thre every day I can come go round find some veg cook own food. The whole town is empty so
Get better and better.

We hear buns I go to my housel. Neighbor say some peole heave sound of gun. Where th gun come from

Maybe things going to be better.

My neighbor who had babies they made chicken soup, you know how to make a chicken soup,. I cook outside. When soup is done one the guys put marijuana in soup. I eat the most b ecause I am always hungry. Afater I eat I sleep the whole day and then by that time the vietnames come comde to Bakenbaum. Neighbor say hey you get up.
The kr startt to escape. They open up the stockade of food. Wow, I cannot get up.

You don’t get up, vn come maybe they going to kill you.

Go to place stock all food.

I sew backpack. 5 can of rice

It is almost night time; we better run. Run where? We better stick together because when the vn come, they buried a man and

Buried man 3 h3ad and build fire, make tea, when cambodian man get too hot. Don’t move you are gfoing to spill my water.

Thai -ong

1979 vn

comed and
polpot? Pol pot? They pass us through. “dee dee’ (go,go)
we run and hear the guns.

Mountain peole relese us.

We ran the whole night. After second night I saw my sister. KR escape

Oh lets run back to the mountain. But the moutain ran bnac to us so we meet each other.

By that tikme we have a loty of food. We are free

We go home. We found an empty house. After that a lot of peple don’t come home. Two sisters.

By that time we can have a lot of rice and we went to find rice so I got big bag of rice. Very first time we cook own food first time free to do whatever you want You are with 2 and 6; , not seen £1, 3 or number 5

Ta come home too. No more involve with him because ta and ye together

I go to take a bath in a lake because I have to go. Tgry to avoid him.

One time I saw 3 or 4 dry fish; he just drop off and gone. I saw dry fish, I told 2 sister, I don’t want to eat these fish because ta put spirfits in them. He make me fall in love.

Oh why don’t yhou cross it 3x?
A no I am going to throw these awsay. I don’t want to get crazy.

Ok, you don’t want to eat. Let me eat.”

Younger sister, now a lot of man go to the lake aboutg a couple day to go there a lot of fish and you stay here you wait for me im going to go get a couple men and go with them and get some fish.

She left for a couple of days. I go to my neighbor and give them a coin and massage, and after I do it they gave me food.

Tjhis one famliy she like sister to me. She married she has husband, who is very good with finding food she have d2 sons. After we got free she got a lot of rice and gold necklaces. While my sister to to get fish, her husband come back home to visitg all gthe friend here,


Husband says she is in bb and wants to see. Neighbor says oh we want to go because her father is over there too. Lets go tomorrow.




1 thailand
3 man excaped to thailand
5 somewhere ???

2 and 6 in combodia. Home home.