Death

Shrey-mom singing as she pus baby in the hammock. She look up when Ba walk inside. She so young. I know she worry about Ba. She know he weak and sick because we have so little food.

‘Oh, grandpa!” So excited to see him, she has good news. “You know, last night I dream about food. All night plates and plates of food. I wake up not hungry. Maybe we have a lot of food later.”

Ba stop beside her and gently pat her on the head.

“Oh Shrey-mom. You are only a little girl. Already you know that dreaming about food is about eating a lot of food. Such a wise girl.”

We look each other know so well power of dreams, you can wake up feeling as if you eating all night, even though you starving. Until now, we did not know how close my daughter to death.

Dream food not last long though. just mind tricks. Body big empty cavern.

Now I can feel energy from water. Under rain I feel a lot of energy. Water keep me alive.

Everyone starving. Most of all we worry about Mae and Ba. They both so weak.

One day I hatch plan. Number Two sister has chicken for eggs. No way she part with that chicken. Like pet to her. So late in night when everyone sleeping. younger sister and I tiptoe outside to find chicken. We know exactly where that chicken is, underneath the house. I grab it and wring its neck.

Early next morning, I boil chicken and give to my parents and daughter to eat. It last couple days. Sister never figure out what happen to her chicken.


Shrey-mom always cover her face when she sleep. When she born she always cover her eyes. One day when I getting ready to go to work she beg me stay home.

“You know what happen when you leave, Mae? Uncle come into our room, he look everywhere for food. They think I sleep, but I see them.

I tell them what she say. She tell truth.

“We thought you sleeping,” her Uncle say.

***

Ba’s body swelling. Every day I come home from work and he worse. Mae too weak to take care of him.

We so frightened. Only hope to save Ba is to send him to hospital where they have thick rice soup.

“If I go, I don’t think I don’t think I will see any of you again.”

We know this true; other people go, no one ever come home

I have no choice. I have to convince him. I have to worry about Mae, too.

“We bring you back later,” I say. “I promise. Only way.”

The trip to hospital take half day. I walk there and tell person in charge that Ba very sick. Cart come take him away.

Mae go see him after one week. Second time she go she cannot find him there.

They don’t come to tell you when someone die. They just bury them.

We know Ba gone.

Wonder why we get up with sun. Why we bother? Why we not just give up, lie down and wait to die?

Mae lie down beside me. She so small now bones rub against mine. Her skin dry like lizard. She stroke my hand. Hear her breathe, still soft, so comforting when she so close.

“You must stay strong, Donc,” she say. “Babies to take care of.”

Son crying on my chest. Beside me Shrey-mom asleep, her head hidden underneath small blanket.

Why I have these babies? If I not have babies I free to die.

Mae know what I thinking. My sisters and I still her babies. That why she still here.

She reach across me, take my son onto her breast. Rock and sing to him. He fall asleep and still she sing. I rest my head on her shoulder. Can still smell flowers in her hair.

***

Just a couple day ago I begin worry about my daughter.

Shrey-mom start to swell.

"Nothing really wrong," I say to myself. "She just getting fat."

Already two of my nieces starve to death. But not Shrey-Mom. I not see how weak she is.

Every day I come home from fields and she still lying in bed. One day she just no get up. That day it rain so hard.

“Get up, Shrey-Mom. Get up. You have to eat. Get up.” I pull her out of the bed. Her body so limp.

“No, no.”

My daughter not say anything else, she know she dying. I hold her up try feed her. She refuse food.

Whole family gather around us. They sit quiet as I hold her through night. She just sleep, open eyes one or two times to say “Oh, Mae.”

Mae come to sit beside me.

“She leaving us, daughter. You know that just before you die you see your real mom. Say good-bye to her, let her go.”

We just sit together crying. Outside rain so hard like the whole world cry too.

I think about day when we first arrive here. Anghar soldier come talk to me. Shrey-mom playing with her cousins. She so pretty, still healthy, still strong. Her laughter still full of joy

"You want to give daughter to me?” he ask. “She grow up healthy in my family. Lots of food. Go to school. A good life.”

How I know how bad life become? Never think day come I not able care for my daughter.

"Is he crazy?" I think. "Why he even think such a thing?"

But now tonight I so angry at myself.

“Oh, if only I had given Shrey-Mom to that man. She still be alive today.”

Morning come. I find Anghar officer. Tell him what happen.

“Go to work,” he say. “We get her body and bury her.”

I wrap Shrey-mom in blanket and leave her on bed. I go to work. No choice. No time off to grieve. Hundreds of people die every day.

Walk home with my group. Why even go home, my little girl’s body gone, tossed into big hole with other dead bodies. No one she know. No one know where hole is. Shovel after shovel of earth cover her. Never find.

“We have to take care of boy,” Mae say that night.

All night long, night after night, I breast feed my son. I so skinny can no longer sit on bed, my bones need cushion, many pillows. I cannot make milk, my son so little, just shrinking away.

He die so soon after Shrey- Mom. Now only 3 children in family – older sister’s children.




Mae

Every night after dinner, Mae and I sit in front of our house and watch people walk by. I can always tell by their faces if they are going to die soon. I always tell Mae.

“Why you say that?” she ask. “How you know this?”

“I can see face of death,” I say.

One day I come home Mae lying down spread out. Arms outstretched. I see that face again. That face is awful face.

“Mae! Wake up! Wake up! Why your face like that?”

She open her eyes. “What face?”

“The face like I always tell you. The face just before you die.”

“I don’t try to do that kind of face.”

I can only cry. Too late now to escape with Mae. Too late to keep promise to take her with me.

Only a few days and already little sister and I can no longer care for her. No choice but to put her in hospital. We walk by hospital every morning on way to work and every night on way home from.

Always we so tired and so hungry. One night we not stop to see how she is.

Next morning we pick some cucumbers from vines growing near our house and begin walking toward hospital. Little sister so much faster than me, always stronger and faster, always complaining about how slow I walk. Now she race ahead to hospital. When I get there, she outside. Face very frightened. She scream when she see me.

“Hurry, hurry. I think Mae dead.”

We race into her room. Mae dying. Grab spoon and start scraping off sickness. She start to get color again. Open her eyes. She better.

“You have to stay alive, Mae. You cannot die. Just a little longer. Things will change. You must be strong.”

Everybody crying. But we have to leave. If we do not work, no food.

That night again we so tired not stop at hospital. Next morning, same, sister run off ahead. Now she sobbing.

“Mae dead.” She say this like it my fault, like Mae maybe live if I not so slow.

Mae’s gown pulled up over face. Bottom of body naked. Feces between legs. All these people around her. How could they leave her so exposed, for everyone to see? Why they not cover her?

Sister and I clean her body. We leave her there in bed and go to fields. Never see her again.