J and I return from shooping to find Sea Lion sitting beside Aunt. He so excited. He going to joion small group of people travelling to refugee camp on Thailand border. Many people going to buy suppplies, bring back to families here. He leave today.
Aunt very nervous. Word comes from two of Sea Lion’s friends that he safe, journey not so dangerous.
Now my turn, Aunt says. She want me to travel to refugee camp where Sea Lion waits, buy big bag of rice and carry it home for us. She tie a sliver of gold in a small sac and give it to me.
but now she decide it time for me to go, too. She want me buy big bag of rice and carry home.
We leave early in the morning and walk across the ponds. Sea Lion’s friends are so fast. The ponds so deep they take off their pants to get across. Water p to my chest.
I already so tired. We walk into the jungle and then Sea Lion’s friends too fast for me. They leave me behind. But a lof of people escape now, they walk past me to and from the camp, some carry grociers back to Sisophan to trade.
Later in the day a group of men sit near me. I move closer but they donot want to talk to me. They nshare a little bit of rice with me and then a group comes by heading to Battambang.
“be careful,” they say. You have to run so fast. The Vietnamese shoot at you. They just down the road.”
Now we can hear the sounds of rifles firing in the distance. Boom! Boom! Boom! These men stand up, begin to walk. I not want to be left behind again. I rush to keep up with them and then we are in the kill zone. Run so fast. Bullets fly by me. Men so far ahead. My legs so tired. I do not know. I think I will die here.
Finally it is over, I am safe. I fall down to my knees next to a smallgroup of people who are resting in a safe o
An older woman comes to sit beside me. She has grey hair and deep lines scar her face, no teeth. Her leg is wrapped in a big brown bandage, stained with blood. She look so tired.
“You alone?” she asks, offering me some water from her supply of groceries.
“I not fast enough, they leave me behind.”
She is kind woman. She give me dried fish and banana to eat.
“This my second trip,” she says. “Gun hit me yesterday. Not too bad. I have to get food home to my family. They so hungry. I wait here with you while you eat.”
She is quiet. Her injured leg is swelling above the bandage, and an ugly red line stetches beneath her torn sarong. I touch the hot skin and look up into her face. I see fear in her eyes, I know she worry she not fast enough now to escape the bullets. Who feed her family then?
“I fix you, I get all the heat out.”
“no, you have long distance before night. You go now. I be okay. Walk later tonight when not so many soldiers. Much safer.”
I stand and look down at her. She so brave. She protect her famly. She hurt trying to take care of family.
“I loose my family. My daughter, my son. Mi and Ba. You so lucky. Not alone.”
I do not think she hear me anymore. She lay down and close her eyes.
“Just stay on the path with the others. Do not stray far,” she calls after me as I start to walk away. “The jungle here is full of mines. Still long way to go.”
I wak until sunset, still in jungle. I do not think I ever get there.
“Oh my god, why don’t you push me a little bit harder? I cannot walk. My eyes not see so good anymore”
What that? I stop to listen. Music, music from a radio. Not too far..
I am so happy. Don’t know where energy come from. The jungle is behind me. The land clears, it is no longer so dark. I walk so fast, trippig over my feet. Finally, the camp is in front of me. People everywhere. Even hear some laughter. I walk down aisle after aisle of people, little sqaures of families. Looking for Sea Lion.
It is so dark now. Finally, I find him. He hug me, happy to see me.
“Why it take you so long” “
“You run away from me. “
“You walk too slow.They kill me if they catch me. Maybe not do anyting to you. You only a woman.”
He takes me to a section of the camp where he has set up some bedding. “You rest here, I go get some food for us.”
All around me peole talking, babies crying. I not used to so much noise. I can smell food cooking. But I so tired. I lie down on Sea Lion’s mat and close my eyes. When I open them again the sun is high in the sky. Sea Lion has left a bowl of rice and vegetables for me. There is a large bucket of water and a cup to drink from. I look around. What is this new world? All these people? Like me? Still alive. I try to sit up but too weak. My legs on fire. I llie there and reach out fir some vegetables. But I tii weak to eat, Just ckise my eyes again. I am safe for now.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Kou: Sisophan
Every day the same. I am the maid. I go to lake, carry back water. My knees still not better. I cannot bend down and come up. I take one pot at a time. Carry on my shoulder. Back and forth two or three times. Then Fix food. After she eat, sleep.
I have no place to go. I know she not want me anymore.
One day I am carrying water. Just so tired. I hear a someone call out my name.
“Bong!”
I turn and see a young man hurring towards me. “Remember me, Bong? Remembe me? From Phnom Phen?”
It is my aunt’s son Sealion, the boy who once drove around the city with us in a fancy car, eating ice cream by the lake.
Oh, I start to cry. Finding family. They like my family.
We are both so happy to find each other.
“Come with me, I take you to meet my mom.” He grabs my pot of water and we walk together. My aunt lives just behind the temple. When I walk in she cry so hard. We all cry.
“Where your family? “She ask.
I tell her about Mi and Pa, about my two children. About my sisters’ children. About the camp. She lost 3 of her seven children.
I tell her about where I am living in the temple, about how I am working for this woman. Trying to find a place to stay. That is all over now, she tell me. You come to live with me now. You come and you be like an older sister to Siphal.
Oh my life is so happy. Aunt has a lot of gold. I take care of them, cook, watch Siphal.
Country full of Vietnamese army. We see them everwhere, when we goto the wells to clean our clothes, when we shop in the markets for food and clothes. Siphal is 18 now. Her skin is so white and the soldiers love her skin. Soldiers are always staring at her. I have to protect her, be her body guard.
We are in Batambang for a few months when Sea Lion starts talking about a camp for all us near the border of Thailand. He says he hears maybe if you are lucky you get to leave and go to the United States. Every day there is more news. Aunt decides we leave for Sisophan near the border. She rents a horse with a wagon for the three of us. Sea Lion is already there.
I have no place to go. I know she not want me anymore.
One day I am carrying water. Just so tired. I hear a someone call out my name.
“Bong!”
I turn and see a young man hurring towards me. “Remember me, Bong? Remembe me? From Phnom Phen?”
It is my aunt’s son Sealion, the boy who once drove around the city with us in a fancy car, eating ice cream by the lake.
Oh, I start to cry. Finding family. They like my family.
We are both so happy to find each other.
“Come with me, I take you to meet my mom.” He grabs my pot of water and we walk together. My aunt lives just behind the temple. When I walk in she cry so hard. We all cry.
“Where your family? “She ask.
I tell her about Mi and Pa, about my two children. About my sisters’ children. About the camp. She lost 3 of her seven children.
I tell her about where I am living in the temple, about how I am working for this woman. Trying to find a place to stay. That is all over now, she tell me. You come to live with me now. You come and you be like an older sister to Siphal.
Oh my life is so happy. Aunt has a lot of gold. I take care of them, cook, watch Siphal.
Country full of Vietnamese army. We see them everwhere, when we goto the wells to clean our clothes, when we shop in the markets for food and clothes. Siphal is 18 now. Her skin is so white and the soldiers love her skin. Soldiers are always staring at her. I have to protect her, be her body guard.
We are in Batambang for a few months when Sea Lion starts talking about a camp for all us near the border of Thailand. He says he hears maybe if you are lucky you get to leave and go to the United States. Every day there is more news. Aunt decides we leave for Sisophan near the border. She rents a horse with a wagon for the three of us. Sea Lion is already there.
Kou: Refugee
Battambang/Refugee/US
Back home
Friend let me borrow one of her new sarongs. I wear it when I decide to walk to Battambang with her friend. She going to see daughter. I want to see Battambang. So pretty, everyone say. Number one city,
So far walk for 2 nights and 3 days. Everytme it is too hot we cannot walk, sleep under tree of empty house.
Wow! Big temple. Go inside and find friend. She so happy to see me. I am so tired I cannot walk anymore so when it time to go back I say no, too sore. Come back later. Give her sarong to bring back with her. Send message to sister “come here, big city. We buy big bag rice, make living.”
I become maid to friend so she let me stay with her. I cook, clean, shop, give kid shower, give her massage. Wash clothes. One day I ask to borrow some money to do a business for myself.
She cut me a little business. I walk far away to buy oranges. I bring to market and sell to make extra money. Sometimes I buy meat and exchange for rice.
Every night the takes boat across river to watch soap opera with best friend. I not go with her, boatride make me too sick. But I afraid to stay in temple alone at night. So dark.
After couple weeks no more gold for me.
“Time for you to get married and move away,” she say. “Can’t afford to take care of yo anymore.”
Gee my god, what can I do? Where the man can I marry?
No longer pretty young girl. No man want me now. I cannot go back to sister.
Every day she complain not enough gold to keep you. Find new home. SoI start sending notes to the camp to try to contact sister Finally, I see man from camp, ask about sister.
Sister return to Phnom Phen, he say. She go with others, walk for one or two months.
Khmer control the camp, but they don’t know what to do. They so mean.
Back home
Friend let me borrow one of her new sarongs. I wear it when I decide to walk to Battambang with her friend. She going to see daughter. I want to see Battambang. So pretty, everyone say. Number one city,
So far walk for 2 nights and 3 days. Everytme it is too hot we cannot walk, sleep under tree of empty house.
Wow! Big temple. Go inside and find friend. She so happy to see me. I am so tired I cannot walk anymore so when it time to go back I say no, too sore. Come back later. Give her sarong to bring back with her. Send message to sister “come here, big city. We buy big bag rice, make living.”
I become maid to friend so she let me stay with her. I cook, clean, shop, give kid shower, give her massage. Wash clothes. One day I ask to borrow some money to do a business for myself.
She cut me a little business. I walk far away to buy oranges. I bring to market and sell to make extra money. Sometimes I buy meat and exchange for rice.
Every night the takes boat across river to watch soap opera with best friend. I not go with her, boatride make me too sick. But I afraid to stay in temple alone at night. So dark.
After couple weeks no more gold for me.
“Time for you to get married and move away,” she say. “Can’t afford to take care of yo anymore.”
Gee my god, what can I do? Where the man can I marry?
No longer pretty young girl. No man want me now. I cannot go back to sister.
Every day she complain not enough gold to keep you. Find new home. SoI start sending notes to the camp to try to contact sister Finally, I see man from camp, ask about sister.
Sister return to Phnom Phen, he say. She go with others, walk for one or two months.
Khmer control the camp, but they don’t know what to do. They so mean.
Kou: More Trouble
Unka want you, 1977 …
She is in another £5. Took my brother ikn law, said he was cia , because the guy who used to work for his brother
‘
after a year, two year during day tied himn in a rope. Boxers no shoes, no shirt.
Sister with daughter. Nothing you can
Older sister with 5 children she in battembomg and husband…. Near boarder of Thailand.
Ghost
My feet infection. I went to the farm and I got scrach and swollen, cannot walk, ccannot go.
I sty home by myslef.
A coupld of nights before
2 or 3 weeks I cannot walk.
One time I sleep during day time, I hear the voice of 2 women, mosquito net,
“open, open I want to go sleep with you.”I want to go too, I want to go too.”
I am so scared but I cannot get up. They went to work sisters.
I told my sister, nobody believe me.
Open the net
After a coupld of nights there is a meeting, not the same house. My house is new, near the a lot of empty houses where peple are dead alreaady. A big tree a lot of ghosts in them. The tree is spirit and 2 of my sisters they go to meeting and I sleep.
Hear like cow and a cat they chasing run oer over over, we have no cat
Always moving. Pack up in sack.
One time I feel so thirsty eat something like ice, have meeting and they call PUCKMAY, comehere tgonight we have ice tea. Big pot , they big bowl of ice or huge huge vat of ice team
Gee im not feeling vefry good. Big storm rain, its winter and water coming into house. Everything got so wet, never cold like this. I hear hail I ran out, ie eat it, it feels so good…..
I have ice that day…
Tomorrow we have party for you. We have good food for you, curry.
Four o us sit together, split in 4, small meet for each, keep and eat for itself.
We sing when we gbo to rice field. If nice they don’t report us.
The fun thing when we get the rice we have rice to eat and that time of year they let you go find your own food. We live in rice field. Not so strict
1977 kr government changes and than mman who wouldn’t give me the food for my mom.
A new group and take old one out. Told old one who, guy go his wife go, a lot go, even you new you can go. Cows & wagons 20 o0f them wait in front of cafeteria.
Microphone, new OnCA come, who want to come, move you to better place. A lot of pepole go. They take them, they kill them all. Someone told me. His own son in KR army, when you join even your mother father is nothing to you. Only unka love you.
New one come they give us more things to do, not so hungry.
Middle guy when I escape and come back with myt sister, he is so nice. He die too. They took him away too. Three of us always fight.
We always fight, even now.
One time he come to us and he burn a fire in front of cafeteria. He call me and 2 odf my sister come. We sit with him. I know 3 of you for a long time. Since parents , kids. Know only you, three piece 3
3 heads to make a fire, put pot on
3 of you look like a piece of a stove, you need each other. Two of you cannot do anything.
Call us daughter, stop, share, stop fighting.
You cannot say something,
2nd sister Cambodia
5th sister here in richmond okay
we try not to fighyt anymore. When the others come change power, he is gone.
Only is daughter didn’t go.
He is the had, he look like a man.
Put me one week in mans house he is governor.
Government contyrolled my couty.
This guy important. They built the stage and sit there and watch you work, they have a roof too. He is on stage he pints me out. The guy do the damn. So big aftger we cut rice we have to go there to work on damn ….. big rain, everyone is so strong. I have one brick.
That guy he is so big, he pointed to me. Look at her she cannot walk, what is going on. Maybe he doesn’t want to kill me. I got so scared.
She is in another £5. Took my brother ikn law, said he was cia , because the guy who used to work for his brother
‘
after a year, two year during day tied himn in a rope. Boxers no shoes, no shirt.
Sister with daughter. Nothing you can
Older sister with 5 children she in battembomg and husband…. Near boarder of Thailand.
Ghost
My feet infection. I went to the farm and I got scrach and swollen, cannot walk, ccannot go.
I sty home by myslef.
A coupld of nights before
2 or 3 weeks I cannot walk.
One time I sleep during day time, I hear the voice of 2 women, mosquito net,
“open, open I want to go sleep with you.”I want to go too, I want to go too.”
I am so scared but I cannot get up. They went to work sisters.
I told my sister, nobody believe me.
Open the net
After a coupld of nights there is a meeting, not the same house. My house is new, near the a lot of empty houses where peple are dead alreaady. A big tree a lot of ghosts in them. The tree is spirit and 2 of my sisters they go to meeting and I sleep.
Hear like cow and a cat they chasing run oer over over, we have no cat
Always moving. Pack up in sack.
One time I feel so thirsty eat something like ice, have meeting and they call PUCKMAY, comehere tgonight we have ice tea. Big pot , they big bowl of ice or huge huge vat of ice team
Gee im not feeling vefry good. Big storm rain, its winter and water coming into house. Everything got so wet, never cold like this. I hear hail I ran out, ie eat it, it feels so good…..
I have ice that day…
Tomorrow we have party for you. We have good food for you, curry.
Four o us sit together, split in 4, small meet for each, keep and eat for itself.
We sing when we gbo to rice field. If nice they don’t report us.
The fun thing when we get the rice we have rice to eat and that time of year they let you go find your own food. We live in rice field. Not so strict
1977 kr government changes and than mman who wouldn’t give me the food for my mom.
A new group and take old one out. Told old one who, guy go his wife go, a lot go, even you new you can go. Cows & wagons 20 o0f them wait in front of cafeteria.
Microphone, new OnCA come, who want to come, move you to better place. A lot of pepole go. They take them, they kill them all. Someone told me. His own son in KR army, when you join even your mother father is nothing to you. Only unka love you.
New one come they give us more things to do, not so hungry.
Middle guy when I escape and come back with myt sister, he is so nice. He die too. They took him away too. Three of us always fight.
We always fight, even now.
One time he come to us and he burn a fire in front of cafeteria. He call me and 2 odf my sister come. We sit with him. I know 3 of you for a long time. Since parents , kids. Know only you, three piece 3
3 heads to make a fire, put pot on
3 of you look like a piece of a stove, you need each other. Two of you cannot do anything.
Call us daughter, stop, share, stop fighting.
You cannot say something,
2nd sister Cambodia
5th sister here in richmond okay
we try not to fighyt anymore. When the others come change power, he is gone.
Only is daughter didn’t go.
He is the had, he look like a man.
Put me one week in mans house he is governor.
Government contyrolled my couty.
This guy important. They built the stage and sit there and watch you work, they have a roof too. He is on stage he pints me out. The guy do the damn. So big aftger we cut rice we have to go there to work on damn ….. big rain, everyone is so strong. I have one brick.
That guy he is so big, he pointed to me. Look at her she cannot walk, what is going on. Maybe he doesn’t want to kill me. I got so scared.
Kou: Trouble Again
Couple monthds later rouble again. I come home everyting is okay and 1978
My older sister
One county need a worker and my sister oldeer go theytook her
Me and my youjger sister…..
You thiknk we can escape, so easy across the warter.
Opne day me and my sister escape and it is summer time. Just cross the lake water waist high
Cople months meet older sister, ok because they need worker so they took us.
No fun, nobody firnedly, me and my younger sister, you think we can go back. Okay lets go back.
We cross lake to come home, you run away you come home you are a criminal.
Cafeteria. They don’t want you to stay. No food. You haved to go to the head of county. They take us to head of county.
Ok, you live there. One week. In morning, three of the army take us to go the rice field. Gete up at 4. Work only 2 of us, army sit and watch us. Allmy friends the other side they look at us. Friends why you that?
12 take back to lunch. Punish us. Every day back and forth. No rest.
At night they act so friendly to you. He’s older I call him Pook father. He ask me small talk but not small talk uou not careful yuou be dead. I sleep near peantus raw if you are careful watch you everything. Everynight he come to talk to me. He say you dead, you dead.
Where you grow up.
I grow up small town, my grandma … make up
What fater do, grow rice, grow vegetable.
Who you married to
Married to motocycle.; 2 kids die
When I was youjng work with mom do knitting.
Warn sister not to open house.
Back of his house, I see a body that is not even buried. Who did they kill last night?
That day when I sleep I saw my mom come again. In my sleep and stroke my head…. Told my sister, saw mom last night, we going to be free. You the one want to escape, come back… she angry.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow you don’t have to come here again. Today the army guy is going to take you somewhere.
Put us in £1 with stronger people. I never go to that grop before. They want to kill us.
We go to pick up all the heay things, lifting heavy stuff I cannot do it. So lucky that we didn’t get killed. We work there and then sometime we go to do
My older sister
One county need a worker and my sister oldeer go theytook her
Me and my youjger sister…..
You thiknk we can escape, so easy across the warter.
Opne day me and my sister escape and it is summer time. Just cross the lake water waist high
Cople months meet older sister, ok because they need worker so they took us.
No fun, nobody firnedly, me and my younger sister, you think we can go back. Okay lets go back.
We cross lake to come home, you run away you come home you are a criminal.
Cafeteria. They don’t want you to stay. No food. You haved to go to the head of county. They take us to head of county.
Ok, you live there. One week. In morning, three of the army take us to go the rice field. Gete up at 4. Work only 2 of us, army sit and watch us. Allmy friends the other side they look at us. Friends why you that?
12 take back to lunch. Punish us. Every day back and forth. No rest.
At night they act so friendly to you. He’s older I call him Pook father. He ask me small talk but not small talk uou not careful yuou be dead. I sleep near peantus raw if you are careful watch you everything. Everynight he come to talk to me. He say you dead, you dead.
Where you grow up.
I grow up small town, my grandma … make up
What fater do, grow rice, grow vegetable.
Who you married to
Married to motocycle.; 2 kids die
When I was youjng work with mom do knitting.
Warn sister not to open house.
Back of his house, I see a body that is not even buried. Who did they kill last night?
That day when I sleep I saw my mom come again. In my sleep and stroke my head…. Told my sister, saw mom last night, we going to be free. You the one want to escape, come back… she angry.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow you don’t have to come here again. Today the army guy is going to take you somewhere.
Put us in £1 with stronger people. I never go to that grop before. They want to kill us.
We go to pick up all the heay things, lifting heavy stuff I cannot do it. So lucky that we didn’t get killed. We work there and then sometime we go to do
Kou: Sick
Noise chattering teeth wake me. Heavy heat press down on me like turtle shell. Trapped inside in thick black blanket freezing with fever. Too guilty to call sister. She need all her strength. Enough to work for both of us now. Pull damp skirt up around waist and pee through bamboo mat.
No shame, too sick.
Lie still, listen heavy rain, nightblind chicken waiting for bright slash yellow wake eyes. Like every time, worry what if this time eyes stay sleeping? Wide awake terror rush into body, hard to breathe.
For weeks we work in vast rains chest-high water fix broken damn. Need water for next rice crop. Big boss sit and watch us work. See him point to me, ask question to man next to him. Maybe twenty times I fall in rushing water. Only carry one small block clay each time. Too weak, I no help. What he do with me? Big noise as wall of mud slides free from bank. Big boss distracted, looks away.
I safe for now.
Each day we eat lunch in field beside the damn. no break from the work. Wash clothes at night, still damp, heavy with mud each morning.
Rain no stop. Every day just after noon I get fever, shaking “oooh, so cold” ; then burning with heat
That how I get too sick to work. Just lie on mat. Sometimes Ta comes to see me, sneak me a couple of dry fish. He never talk, just leave food. Crawl over to egg-sized piece of dry fish wrapped in banana, enough food for week.
Sometimes my neighbor bring me lunch. More dry fish. Add to dry rice, soak in water. Oh, so hungry. Food all I think about. Sometimes so hungry I eat rain there so much energy in rain. Help me a lot.
“Why you so scared,” I ask myself. “What worse could happen? They kill you because you blind? That a blessing.”
Sound nearby distract me. Woman crying. She being calling to her mother.
“Wake up, Mi. Wake up.”
She live three huts away. Like me, her mother too sick to work for long time now. Last time I see her, her legs swollen big , skin cracked like dry bark dying stump old oak tree. No way she live long. Her spriit ready to leave. Who want to be that person now? She all dried out, brown inside, no branches left.
Crying, crying, so loud. Want to warn her. “Stop now or they take you, too. Why you carry on so? You had your mom much longer than we did. You lucky.”
So angry. She wake everyone, now everyone tired at work. She so selfish.
Smell of rotting earth, mildew, my pee so powerful I feel stomach water rising in throat. Hot, burning. I turn my head, vomit hot bile. Burn throat.
Sister sleep through everything. When she wake in morning, she notice nothing, smell nothing. She leave bowl hot rice water, Not word.
Much later. So hot. I crawl to open door for air. Older woman walk by. Oh, someone to help me.
“Wait, wait,” Maybe I delirious, I reach out arm. “Will you be my mom?” She has mean face, deep lines, mouth curved down, muddy thin legs. She passes, not even look at me.
Crying dry tears… crying when they come with cart and take neighbor’s body away. She come home to empty house tonight. Now she like me, no life to live for.
Much later I open eyes. Green lizard in mint tree. Just outside. Maybe my body no move, but hunger still move inside me.
“Oh, you lizard, I going to eat you.” That lizard, he know he safe. He play in that tree, tease me forever. No danger from me.
Deep inside just want to die. Sleep, Wake up. Still here. Still starving. Still here.
Only couple day and sister carry me to hospital where Mi die. “My sister no longer swallow food,” she say. Then she leave for work.Not even hug me good-bye ,she know what happen to people in hospital. Maybe never see me again.
Nurse use herbs and incense burn nine holes on my stomach. My throat so hot, gas come up. Only rice come out. Body stop digesting food. Burn my stomach two more times, gets better.
Why you make me better? Why you not let me die? Why you want me live so hungry? This not living. Better dead.
Lie in bed day after day watching ducks through slats in hospital floor. Quacking big plump white ducks. You just like green salamander, you mean ducks. You know you safe from me. Give me strength to catch you like I catch sister’s chicken. You be so good in soup. When not watching ducks look out into field outside hospital. Every day see Group leader Pong leave with empty sac and head out on long trip across fieds.
Pong many jobs. He mind cows, herd cattle and collect food. I watch every day from hospital; he come home with all sorts of things. Big sack of vegetables. He feed family. His wife so strong, she monster.
“You sick today?” she ask. “Okay, okay. No problem. Just stay home. But no eat.” This what she do with Mi. This how she treat eveyone.
Soon I know exactly what time Pong return. See him from far away. Big sack of food over shoulder. One day I find cane, walk out sit under a tree wait for him. He see me and stop. Give me all kinds of vegetable. Ah, so good, eating sour tamarind before they ripe.
Few days later very very sick man lying on mat beside me. So much pain he cry out every minute. Oh,he going to die soon. Nurse come over, give him something round and black, like Hershey kiss. Very quick he become silent, making soft sounds now. He not same sick anguish man see before.
“What she give you?”
“Something to help me go to bathroom. When I go only puss and blood.This helping me.” Then he just fall asleep.
Everyday, sometimes two times nurse give man this hershey kiss medicine. He become so happy. He even start talking to me.
So one day I see nurse coming and start groaning. “Oh my stomache hurt so bad. When I poo only blood.”
She give me small piece of medicine. It tastes so good and so I ask again and again. Finally, I give man all of my tamarind and he give me a few magic kisses. Soon I feel so good. Think I too drunk. Fall asleep. Nurses think I am dead. Sister comes to see me and still I sleep. When I wake up find out secret; magic kisses are marijuana.
I feel stronger every day and then so hungry. I work around cafeteria so can eat extra food. After they clean fish I say “Oh, don’t throw that away, I take it.” Gather fish heads, skin, liver and make soup. Someone tell me live help your eyes and they right. Soon I see again.
I one of lucky ones, I guess. Soon I leave hospital. Walk home so slow. Nothing there for me anyway.
No shame, too sick.
Lie still, listen heavy rain, nightblind chicken waiting for bright slash yellow wake eyes. Like every time, worry what if this time eyes stay sleeping? Wide awake terror rush into body, hard to breathe.
For weeks we work in vast rains chest-high water fix broken damn. Need water for next rice crop. Big boss sit and watch us work. See him point to me, ask question to man next to him. Maybe twenty times I fall in rushing water. Only carry one small block clay each time. Too weak, I no help. What he do with me? Big noise as wall of mud slides free from bank. Big boss distracted, looks away.
I safe for now.
Each day we eat lunch in field beside the damn. no break from the work. Wash clothes at night, still damp, heavy with mud each morning.
Rain no stop. Every day just after noon I get fever, shaking “oooh, so cold” ; then burning with heat
That how I get too sick to work. Just lie on mat. Sometimes Ta comes to see me, sneak me a couple of dry fish. He never talk, just leave food. Crawl over to egg-sized piece of dry fish wrapped in banana, enough food for week.
Sometimes my neighbor bring me lunch. More dry fish. Add to dry rice, soak in water. Oh, so hungry. Food all I think about. Sometimes so hungry I eat rain there so much energy in rain. Help me a lot.
“Why you so scared,” I ask myself. “What worse could happen? They kill you because you blind? That a blessing.”
Sound nearby distract me. Woman crying. She being calling to her mother.
“Wake up, Mi. Wake up.”
She live three huts away. Like me, her mother too sick to work for long time now. Last time I see her, her legs swollen big , skin cracked like dry bark dying stump old oak tree. No way she live long. Her spriit ready to leave. Who want to be that person now? She all dried out, brown inside, no branches left.
Crying, crying, so loud. Want to warn her. “Stop now or they take you, too. Why you carry on so? You had your mom much longer than we did. You lucky.”
So angry. She wake everyone, now everyone tired at work. She so selfish.
Smell of rotting earth, mildew, my pee so powerful I feel stomach water rising in throat. Hot, burning. I turn my head, vomit hot bile. Burn throat.
Sister sleep through everything. When she wake in morning, she notice nothing, smell nothing. She leave bowl hot rice water, Not word.
Much later. So hot. I crawl to open door for air. Older woman walk by. Oh, someone to help me.
“Wait, wait,” Maybe I delirious, I reach out arm. “Will you be my mom?” She has mean face, deep lines, mouth curved down, muddy thin legs. She passes, not even look at me.
Crying dry tears… crying when they come with cart and take neighbor’s body away. She come home to empty house tonight. Now she like me, no life to live for.
Much later I open eyes. Green lizard in mint tree. Just outside. Maybe my body no move, but hunger still move inside me.
“Oh, you lizard, I going to eat you.” That lizard, he know he safe. He play in that tree, tease me forever. No danger from me.
Deep inside just want to die. Sleep, Wake up. Still here. Still starving. Still here.
Only couple day and sister carry me to hospital where Mi die. “My sister no longer swallow food,” she say. Then she leave for work.Not even hug me good-bye ,she know what happen to people in hospital. Maybe never see me again.
Nurse use herbs and incense burn nine holes on my stomach. My throat so hot, gas come up. Only rice come out. Body stop digesting food. Burn my stomach two more times, gets better.
Why you make me better? Why you not let me die? Why you want me live so hungry? This not living. Better dead.
Lie in bed day after day watching ducks through slats in hospital floor. Quacking big plump white ducks. You just like green salamander, you mean ducks. You know you safe from me. Give me strength to catch you like I catch sister’s chicken. You be so good in soup. When not watching ducks look out into field outside hospital. Every day see Group leader Pong leave with empty sac and head out on long trip across fieds.
Pong many jobs. He mind cows, herd cattle and collect food. I watch every day from hospital; he come home with all sorts of things. Big sack of vegetables. He feed family. His wife so strong, she monster.
“You sick today?” she ask. “Okay, okay. No problem. Just stay home. But no eat.” This what she do with Mi. This how she treat eveyone.
Soon I know exactly what time Pong return. See him from far away. Big sack of food over shoulder. One day I find cane, walk out sit under a tree wait for him. He see me and stop. Give me all kinds of vegetable. Ah, so good, eating sour tamarind before they ripe.
Few days later very very sick man lying on mat beside me. So much pain he cry out every minute. Oh,he going to die soon. Nurse come over, give him something round and black, like Hershey kiss. Very quick he become silent, making soft sounds now. He not same sick anguish man see before.
“What she give you?”
“Something to help me go to bathroom. When I go only puss and blood.This helping me.” Then he just fall asleep.
Everyday, sometimes two times nurse give man this hershey kiss medicine. He become so happy. He even start talking to me.
So one day I see nurse coming and start groaning. “Oh my stomache hurt so bad. When I poo only blood.”
She give me small piece of medicine. It tastes so good and so I ask again and again. Finally, I give man all of my tamarind and he give me a few magic kisses. Soon I feel so good. Think I too drunk. Fall asleep. Nurses think I am dead. Sister comes to see me and still I sleep. When I wake up find out secret; magic kisses are marijuana.
I feel stronger every day and then so hungry. I work around cafeteria so can eat extra food. After they clean fish I say “Oh, don’t throw that away, I take it.” Gather fish heads, skin, liver and make soup. Someone tell me live help your eyes and they right. Soon I see again.
I one of lucky ones, I guess. Soon I leave hospital. Walk home so slow. Nothing there for me anyway.
Kou: Arrest
Pond dries. Nowhere to wash. so angry as I walk home. hurrying because sun is setting, already my eyes are fogging over. Night blindness. Every night. Maybe I have a fever, maybe I am possessed by some wicked spirit that means me harm. Who know. But when I see my neibhor with his two children as I approach my house, I loose my head.
“They say they make country better,” I say, as I walk up to them. “Country not better because now we have no water to take a bath. How can they do this?”
Right away, I know I make a mistake. silence is so loud . They do not greet me, say nothing. young man standing with them.Some stranger. Whatever, I think, walking on. Just someone new to camp.
Two weeks go by. I sit in front of my house, no work today. Two Khmer officers are walking from dining tent.
“Oh, somebody in trouble,” I think. “Somebody else disappear today.”
Army officers are getting closer. Hut by hut, everyone look so happy when they not stop at their home. Sound of their boots only noise, so loud. Noone talking.
I am watching so hard I guess I am last one to realize they come for me. Sun leave my body, liltle grasshoppers jumping all over inside. Teeth chattering even nore noise than boots. Can hardly breathe.
They stop in front of me. My eyes roll back in my head in horror.
“You have to come to Kamatoo right now,” one of them says. He so ugly, a big broken nose, face pocked like a plucked chicken. Big belly
“Nothing wrong,” the other solder is tall and skinny, not like me, more normal skinny and he smile as he reaches down and grasps my arm. “The major just want to talk to you about school.”
I dig my feet into the steamy soil. Struggle against this man so hard. Where this energy come from?,
“No school for me. I not want to die.” I am screaming and my sisters run outside, hold onto each other. Crying already. going to die. I battle these horrible men. I fight for my life. All this time, I think I do not want to go on, I want to leave this body, I pray that my eyes do not open. Why I want to live so bad? So strange, I think. So strange you fight so hard. What for? You only going to die anyway.
“You don’t want me, Big mistake. Please. Who take care of my little sister.”
“Go with them,” big sister sobs. “Just a couple days. You come home. You have to go.”
I know she does not believe this. She just want tomake me not so frightened.
We walk, rice field after rice field, single file, one in front, one in back. Sun sink in sky. Oh how I want Mi. Where she now? So tired, legs so weak. Stumble, fall to the ground. Need rest.
“Go, go.” Man behind me is impatient. He wants me to walk faster. I grab onto weeds in the ground but he rips me upward, pushes me forward with butt of his rifle.
Now finally my tears, too, gone. They too frightened.
“Don’t hurt me, please. Don’t hurt me.”
We walk maybe half day come to giant temple. Just sitting there like before, like nothing bad happening here in my land. A rush of happy childhood memories. Maybe not so bad, I think. Maybe some kind of school afterall.
They push me up the steps and through the door. I only think about water.
Even before I see anything , my stomach tight at smell, the hot air rotting with garbage, sweat, urine and feces . We move inside and now I know where they take me. This is last destination of disappeared.
So dark inside. Think I scared before but not prepared for this. line after line of college students sit on floor, legs in front of them. Long chains stretch from one end of temple to other, binding cuffed feet together. Small dried fish trapped in a can, packed tight against each other. Temple seals their silence. big sunken eyes talk. No terror. No hope. Death faces.
Torture screams like never hear before from behind huge Buddha near back of temple. Death faces no change. Man dragged outside, hear door slamming. Empty eyes stare straight ahead.
Soldiers push me down at end of row near middle. No chains on my feet.
Oh I do not know how I sit here with this terror. Waiting for death. I am praying, I call out to Mi, ask her to take me away. Come back for me, Mi. This mistake. When mayor see me he know. Wrong person. Angry with guards for wasting time. Send me home. Sisters so happy. Treat me best. Give me most food. Everybody so happy, Just mistake.
Much later, they bring us food. Already I no see. Everything black. A bowl of rice and dry fish. Lie down and sleep. Wake later when something hits me on the back. I sit up and feel around me in the midnight. Fingers find a mango.
In morning I eat mango with rice. I see now, look around. Noone else eating. Too sick. Close to dying. Look on their face, still same, look I see on Mi, on Shrey Mom. Now hundreds of death faces. Do I have death face, too? How I know this? I not see my face in years.
When they finally come for me, I know where; back behind the Buddha. Torture room. The big man stands in front of me.
“Uncle, please don’t hurt me. Please.” My hands are under my chin. “Whatever I say, I don’t mean anything. I so hungry, so starving,”
He no care what I say. He no listen.
“Who your husband?”
“My husband rhickshaw man.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, yes. He rickshaw man. Many years.”
“What you do for living before here?”
‘I sell fruit, sometimes clothes.”
They ask so many questions. I know they want to hit me. But they know I going to die soon. Why bother?
Big man just waves me away.
Later, guards let me go outside to bathroom. I see two men standing outside their arms and legs chained to temple wall. No clothes. And then I see that man, that man next to my neighbor when I complain about no water.He smile at me. He spy. He bring me here. Oh, I so stupid. Why I so stupid?
Next day again behind Buddha.
“Mut,” the mayor says. “You are going to tell us truth or you die like others.”
“No truth to tell, uncle. Big mistake. Please, don’t hurt me.”
They wrap my head in plastic bag. Tell truth or you die.
Tight across my face, my hands tear at plastic. My breath sucks suffocating fabric deep into mouth like snail swallowing its skin. My body battles, battles until spirit stills. I feel Mi with me. Like when she ask me to take her with me if I try to escape. She here now. I know not going to die that day.
I look out behind mask, everything so slow. Why they screaming at me? Why they twisting my fingers, kicking my legs with filthy feet? So peaceful inside. Just want to sleep now. No pain. My eyes closing.
Dreaming about Mi. She right beside me. My finger hurt so bad. She come and blow on it. I hear someone calling me. Open eyes. Is this Temple again?
“I thought you dead.” A ghost-girl beside me. I look around. Oh, no. Back in temple with death masks still waiting to die. Mi? I look down at finger; feel her breath.. Close my eyes. Go home to Mi.
Another day. They come for me again. Same questions. No plastic bag this time. Mayor tells me to take buckets of feces and dump them outside. Two buckets . I so weak need two hands each bucket. Dirty body-waste slush over top, cover my hands.
Big man is gone when finish. Guard yell, “Wash your hands. Come with me.”
We are on bicycle now.
“Where you take me? Where we going?” He no answer, keep pedalling. Keep asking.
“Where you think you going?” he finally ask. I look and look around me. So frightened. No idea. Like nightmare. Time go by. I feel like a rag doll on that ride, flopping all over, no control. I think my mind …
“Oh, look that tree there. Look like near my house.”
The guard think I crazy because near my house I don’t recognize. Oh that tree is similar. I think I see that tree before but I don’t know where. He take me past my house. Oh that look like my house.
Guard take me to leaer house. I lucky, he say. From now on be careful. Next time I not lucky. I walk home, see all these people so happy, crying to see me. Hugging me.
I keep pulling away, pushing them away. They scare me. They look like monkeys. They turn into monkeys when I gone. What happened? Maybe I not belong here anymore.
“Do you not recognize me, Dong? I your sister.” One of the monkeys takes my arm, she crying so hard. “We think we never see you again.”
I look around as we walk toward house.
“Where Mi? I want Mi….”
“Mi dead. You remember.
What she know? How she know Mi visit me? I keep my secret. Pretend I really coming home. I remember this place but it so long ago. No idea I would ever come back.
“They say they make country better,” I say, as I walk up to them. “Country not better because now we have no water to take a bath. How can they do this?”
Right away, I know I make a mistake. silence is so loud . They do not greet me, say nothing. young man standing with them.Some stranger. Whatever, I think, walking on. Just someone new to camp.
Two weeks go by. I sit in front of my house, no work today. Two Khmer officers are walking from dining tent.
“Oh, somebody in trouble,” I think. “Somebody else disappear today.”
Army officers are getting closer. Hut by hut, everyone look so happy when they not stop at their home. Sound of their boots only noise, so loud. Noone talking.
I am watching so hard I guess I am last one to realize they come for me. Sun leave my body, liltle grasshoppers jumping all over inside. Teeth chattering even nore noise than boots. Can hardly breathe.
They stop in front of me. My eyes roll back in my head in horror.
“You have to come to Kamatoo right now,” one of them says. He so ugly, a big broken nose, face pocked like a plucked chicken. Big belly
“Nothing wrong,” the other solder is tall and skinny, not like me, more normal skinny and he smile as he reaches down and grasps my arm. “The major just want to talk to you about school.”
I dig my feet into the steamy soil. Struggle against this man so hard. Where this energy come from?,
“No school for me. I not want to die.” I am screaming and my sisters run outside, hold onto each other. Crying already. going to die. I battle these horrible men. I fight for my life. All this time, I think I do not want to go on, I want to leave this body, I pray that my eyes do not open. Why I want to live so bad? So strange, I think. So strange you fight so hard. What for? You only going to die anyway.
“You don’t want me, Big mistake. Please. Who take care of my little sister.”
“Go with them,” big sister sobs. “Just a couple days. You come home. You have to go.”
I know she does not believe this. She just want tomake me not so frightened.
We walk, rice field after rice field, single file, one in front, one in back. Sun sink in sky. Oh how I want Mi. Where she now? So tired, legs so weak. Stumble, fall to the ground. Need rest.
“Go, go.” Man behind me is impatient. He wants me to walk faster. I grab onto weeds in the ground but he rips me upward, pushes me forward with butt of his rifle.
Now finally my tears, too, gone. They too frightened.
“Don’t hurt me, please. Don’t hurt me.”
We walk maybe half day come to giant temple. Just sitting there like before, like nothing bad happening here in my land. A rush of happy childhood memories. Maybe not so bad, I think. Maybe some kind of school afterall.
They push me up the steps and through the door. I only think about water.
Even before I see anything , my stomach tight at smell, the hot air rotting with garbage, sweat, urine and feces . We move inside and now I know where they take me. This is last destination of disappeared.
So dark inside. Think I scared before but not prepared for this. line after line of college students sit on floor, legs in front of them. Long chains stretch from one end of temple to other, binding cuffed feet together. Small dried fish trapped in a can, packed tight against each other. Temple seals their silence. big sunken eyes talk. No terror. No hope. Death faces.
Torture screams like never hear before from behind huge Buddha near back of temple. Death faces no change. Man dragged outside, hear door slamming. Empty eyes stare straight ahead.
Soldiers push me down at end of row near middle. No chains on my feet.
Oh I do not know how I sit here with this terror. Waiting for death. I am praying, I call out to Mi, ask her to take me away. Come back for me, Mi. This mistake. When mayor see me he know. Wrong person. Angry with guards for wasting time. Send me home. Sisters so happy. Treat me best. Give me most food. Everybody so happy, Just mistake.
Much later, they bring us food. Already I no see. Everything black. A bowl of rice and dry fish. Lie down and sleep. Wake later when something hits me on the back. I sit up and feel around me in the midnight. Fingers find a mango.
In morning I eat mango with rice. I see now, look around. Noone else eating. Too sick. Close to dying. Look on their face, still same, look I see on Mi, on Shrey Mom. Now hundreds of death faces. Do I have death face, too? How I know this? I not see my face in years.
When they finally come for me, I know where; back behind the Buddha. Torture room. The big man stands in front of me.
“Uncle, please don’t hurt me. Please.” My hands are under my chin. “Whatever I say, I don’t mean anything. I so hungry, so starving,”
He no care what I say. He no listen.
“Who your husband?”
“My husband rhickshaw man.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, yes. He rickshaw man. Many years.”
“What you do for living before here?”
‘I sell fruit, sometimes clothes.”
They ask so many questions. I know they want to hit me. But they know I going to die soon. Why bother?
Big man just waves me away.
Later, guards let me go outside to bathroom. I see two men standing outside their arms and legs chained to temple wall. No clothes. And then I see that man, that man next to my neighbor when I complain about no water.He smile at me. He spy. He bring me here. Oh, I so stupid. Why I so stupid?
Next day again behind Buddha.
“Mut,” the mayor says. “You are going to tell us truth or you die like others.”
“No truth to tell, uncle. Big mistake. Please, don’t hurt me.”
They wrap my head in plastic bag. Tell truth or you die.
Tight across my face, my hands tear at plastic. My breath sucks suffocating fabric deep into mouth like snail swallowing its skin. My body battles, battles until spirit stills. I feel Mi with me. Like when she ask me to take her with me if I try to escape. She here now. I know not going to die that day.
I look out behind mask, everything so slow. Why they screaming at me? Why they twisting my fingers, kicking my legs with filthy feet? So peaceful inside. Just want to sleep now. No pain. My eyes closing.
Dreaming about Mi. She right beside me. My finger hurt so bad. She come and blow on it. I hear someone calling me. Open eyes. Is this Temple again?
“I thought you dead.” A ghost-girl beside me. I look around. Oh, no. Back in temple with death masks still waiting to die. Mi? I look down at finger; feel her breath.. Close my eyes. Go home to Mi.
Another day. They come for me again. Same questions. No plastic bag this time. Mayor tells me to take buckets of feces and dump them outside. Two buckets . I so weak need two hands each bucket. Dirty body-waste slush over top, cover my hands.
Big man is gone when finish. Guard yell, “Wash your hands. Come with me.”
We are on bicycle now.
“Where you take me? Where we going?” He no answer, keep pedalling. Keep asking.
“Where you think you going?” he finally ask. I look and look around me. So frightened. No idea. Like nightmare. Time go by. I feel like a rag doll on that ride, flopping all over, no control. I think my mind …
“Oh, look that tree there. Look like near my house.”
The guard think I crazy because near my house I don’t recognize. Oh that tree is similar. I think I see that tree before but I don’t know where. He take me past my house. Oh that look like my house.
Guard take me to leaer house. I lucky, he say. From now on be careful. Next time I not lucky. I walk home, see all these people so happy, crying to see me. Hugging me.
I keep pulling away, pushing them away. They scare me. They look like monkeys. They turn into monkeys when I gone. What happened? Maybe I not belong here anymore.
“Do you not recognize me, Dong? I your sister.” One of the monkeys takes my arm, she crying so hard. “We think we never see you again.”
I look around as we walk toward house.
“Where Mi? I want Mi….”
“Mi dead. You remember.
What she know? How she know Mi visit me? I keep my secret. Pretend I really coming home. I remember this place but it so long ago. No idea I would ever come back.
Kou:Time Passing
Time just go by, nothing change. Only two sarong, a few shirt now. Make hat from palm tree. No shoes. Use sand to brush teeth. Wake up when dark. Bell rings we eat. Long tables and chairs. One bowl soup for four people. Small bowl salt. Join group, walk out to fields.Sometimes find snail at work. Quick hide in pocket
Work on one row, dig, finish, move to next row. I slow because never do farming before.
Walk home to eat. Rest one or two hours. Back to fields. Just same, pick rice, replant fields. Sometimes vegetables. Everything same until I get infection.
Nurse gives us vitamin shot make us feel better. More energy to work. A couple days I get fever, arm gets red and swollen.
I go to hospital. So much pain I say “Just cut off my arm, cannot sleep.” Nurse cut big hole in my arm to get out infection. Put bandage over and tell me go back to work now. I not strong enough to work in field so work picking up cow dung.
Every week we go to Unka meeting. Outside sit on haystacks. Everyone have to go unless you too sick to walk. Group leader talk about who lazy, who bad. Always talk about crops, how to make more food to eat. We hard worker people, they say. No difference you used to be doctor lady. Get out of your head. Now you part of UNKA. Everybody same. Big plan for country. Used to be rice crop one time year, now we get three. Work hard or you die. Not enough food.
But rice not last long enough. Now we get scoop of corn in soup. Then chicken pox come, kill everybody’s children, even Khmer Rouge. Not matter to me anymore. All our children already starve to death. What I care?
After kids die, I work with old people. Tha always try to work
on row next to me, help me finish.
“Oh my good friend,” he say. “I remember you when you first came. So beautiful.” Tha always friend to me. Teach me how to collect water to make palm milk from leaves. He always hide food in pocket for me. Even though his son is general in Khmer Rouge still he work in fields.
Work on one row, dig, finish, move to next row. I slow because never do farming before.
Walk home to eat. Rest one or two hours. Back to fields. Just same, pick rice, replant fields. Sometimes vegetables. Everything same until I get infection.
Nurse gives us vitamin shot make us feel better. More energy to work. A couple days I get fever, arm gets red and swollen.
I go to hospital. So much pain I say “Just cut off my arm, cannot sleep.” Nurse cut big hole in my arm to get out infection. Put bandage over and tell me go back to work now. I not strong enough to work in field so work picking up cow dung.
Every week we go to Unka meeting. Outside sit on haystacks. Everyone have to go unless you too sick to walk. Group leader talk about who lazy, who bad. Always talk about crops, how to make more food to eat. We hard worker people, they say. No difference you used to be doctor lady. Get out of your head. Now you part of UNKA. Everybody same. Big plan for country. Used to be rice crop one time year, now we get three. Work hard or you die. Not enough food.
But rice not last long enough. Now we get scoop of corn in soup. Then chicken pox come, kill everybody’s children, even Khmer Rouge. Not matter to me anymore. All our children already starve to death. What I care?
After kids die, I work with old people. Tha always try to work
on row next to me, help me finish.
“Oh my good friend,” he say. “I remember you when you first came. So beautiful.” Tha always friend to me. Teach me how to collect water to make palm milk from leaves. He always hide food in pocket for me. Even though his son is general in Khmer Rouge still he work in fields.
Kou: Another Death
Brother-in-law stay in bed this morning. His eyes very bright
“Oh, Kim, such a beutfiul dream. Do you remember Thom? He in my dream. Just down road, he say, so much food you not believe. I follow him down into village, big market all kinds of food, sardines, bananas, pineapples, noodle soup. Free. We eat everything.”
Everybody love share these dreams, feel so good, so happy this morning I no patience to listen, too hungry. Rush out to join my group. Angry at him, why he not get up to work? He need real food, not dream food.
Only corn to eat now. Over a month. Brother-in-law always so clever. He never stop finding new things to eat. He catches ginkos crawling on the walls, under the trees. Takes off skin look like chicken, he cook them. He not find anything for week now.
Lunch time. Brother-in-law sleeping. He wake up when my niece return from dining room with bowl of food. He sits up and grabs her, tries to take her food.
“Give me food, give me food,” he yell at his daughter.
She scream back, “No, no, don’t take my food.”
I rush between them, slap his arm away.
“Gee, why you do this?” I ask, placing the bowl firmly in my niece’s hands, shooing her away to eat. “ You always do this.”
“You know I so hungry.”
“Why don’t you just wait? I hungry, too.”
When the bell rings for our food, brother-in-law asks me:
“Can you get my food, too? Too weak to get up. cannot go.”
I go to dining area and fill our bowls and rush back with food. I hand bowl to him. He still lying in bed.
“Thank you,” he whispers. “Just leave bowl on my chest.”
I place bowl there and begin eating my meal. He folds his arms around the bowl. Not try to eat anything.
I finish my meal and walk over to wake him. He is dead.
Sister, children and I cry next to his body. This death is my fault. Why I not realize how sick he was? Why I not realize he going to die when he tell me dream this morning? Why I get so angry at him?.
“I am so sorry,” I cry. “I didn’t know that you were that starving”
The KR come to take his body away. A few months later his wife is also dead. They take her away, too.
“Oh, Kim, such a beutfiul dream. Do you remember Thom? He in my dream. Just down road, he say, so much food you not believe. I follow him down into village, big market all kinds of food, sardines, bananas, pineapples, noodle soup. Free. We eat everything.”
Everybody love share these dreams, feel so good, so happy this morning I no patience to listen, too hungry. Rush out to join my group. Angry at him, why he not get up to work? He need real food, not dream food.
Only corn to eat now. Over a month. Brother-in-law always so clever. He never stop finding new things to eat. He catches ginkos crawling on the walls, under the trees. Takes off skin look like chicken, he cook them. He not find anything for week now.
Lunch time. Brother-in-law sleeping. He wake up when my niece return from dining room with bowl of food. He sits up and grabs her, tries to take her food.
“Give me food, give me food,” he yell at his daughter.
She scream back, “No, no, don’t take my food.”
I rush between them, slap his arm away.
“Gee, why you do this?” I ask, placing the bowl firmly in my niece’s hands, shooing her away to eat. “ You always do this.”
“You know I so hungry.”
“Why don’t you just wait? I hungry, too.”
When the bell rings for our food, brother-in-law asks me:
“Can you get my food, too? Too weak to get up. cannot go.”
I go to dining area and fill our bowls and rush back with food. I hand bowl to him. He still lying in bed.
“Thank you,” he whispers. “Just leave bowl on my chest.”
I place bowl there and begin eating my meal. He folds his arms around the bowl. Not try to eat anything.
I finish my meal and walk over to wake him. He is dead.
Sister, children and I cry next to his body. This death is my fault. Why I not realize how sick he was? Why I not realize he going to die when he tell me dream this morning? Why I get so angry at him?.
“I am so sorry,” I cry. “I didn’t know that you were that starving”
The KR come to take his body away. A few months later his wife is also dead. They take her away, too.
Kou: Mae
Mae
Every night after dinner, Mae and I sit in front of our house and watch people walk by. I can always tell by their faces if they are going to die soon. I always tell Mae.
“Why you say that?” she ask. “How you know this?”
“I can see face of death,” I say.
One day I come home Mae lying down spread out. Arms outstretched. I see that face again. That face is awful face.
“Mae! Wake up! Wake up! Why your face like that?”
She open her eyes. “What face?”
“The face like I always tell you. The face just before you die.”
“I don’t try to do that kind of face.”
I can only cry. Too late now to escape with Mae. Too late to keep promise to take her with me.
Only a few days and already little sister and I can no longer care for her. No choice but to put her in hospital. We walk by hospital every morning on way to work and every night on way home from.
Always we so tired and so hungry. One night we not stop to see how she is.
Next morning we pick some cucumbers from vines growing near our house and begin walking toward hospital. Little sister so much faster than me, always stronger and faster, always complaining about how slow I walk. Now she race ahead to hospital. When I get there, she outside. Face very frightened. She scream when she see me.
“Hurry, hurry. I think Mae dead.”
We race into her room. Mae dying. I take my spoon and start spooning her body, scraping off sickness. She start to get color again. Open her eyes. She better.
“You have to stay alive, Mae. You cannot die. Just a little longer. Things will change. You must be strong.”
Everybody crying. But we have to leave. If we do not work, no food.
That night again we so tired not stop at hospital. Next morning, same, sister run off ahead. Now she sobbing.
“Mae dead.” She say this like it my fault, like Mae maybe live if I not so slow.
Mae’s gown pulled up over face. Bottom of body naked. Feces between legs. All these people around her. How could they leave her so exposed, for everyone to see? Why they not cover her?
Sister and I clean her body. We leave her there in bed and go to fields. Never see her again.
Every night after dinner, Mae and I sit in front of our house and watch people walk by. I can always tell by their faces if they are going to die soon. I always tell Mae.
“Why you say that?” she ask. “How you know this?”
“I can see face of death,” I say.
One day I come home Mae lying down spread out. Arms outstretched. I see that face again. That face is awful face.
“Mae! Wake up! Wake up! Why your face like that?”
She open her eyes. “What face?”
“The face like I always tell you. The face just before you die.”
“I don’t try to do that kind of face.”
I can only cry. Too late now to escape with Mae. Too late to keep promise to take her with me.
Only a few days and already little sister and I can no longer care for her. No choice but to put her in hospital. We walk by hospital every morning on way to work and every night on way home from.
Always we so tired and so hungry. One night we not stop to see how she is.
Next morning we pick some cucumbers from vines growing near our house and begin walking toward hospital. Little sister so much faster than me, always stronger and faster, always complaining about how slow I walk. Now she race ahead to hospital. When I get there, she outside. Face very frightened. She scream when she see me.
“Hurry, hurry. I think Mae dead.”
We race into her room. Mae dying. I take my spoon and start spooning her body, scraping off sickness. She start to get color again. Open her eyes. She better.
“You have to stay alive, Mae. You cannot die. Just a little longer. Things will change. You must be strong.”
Everybody crying. But we have to leave. If we do not work, no food.
That night again we so tired not stop at hospital. Next morning, same, sister run off ahead. Now she sobbing.
“Mae dead.” She say this like it my fault, like Mae maybe live if I not so slow.
Mae’s gown pulled up over face. Bottom of body naked. Feces between legs. All these people around her. How could they leave her so exposed, for everyone to see? Why they not cover her?
Sister and I clean her body. We leave her there in bed and go to fields. Never see her again.
Kou: Shrey-mom
Kou: Shrey-mom
Just a few days ago I start to worry about my daughter.
Shrey-mom start to swell. Nothing really wrong, I say to myself. She just getting fat. Already two of my nieces starve to death. But not Shrey-Mom. I not see how weak she is.
Every day I come home from fields and she still lying in bed. One day she just no get up. That day it rain so hard. Too weak.
“Get up, Shrey-Mom. Get up. You have to eat. Get up.” I pull her out of the bed. Her body so limp.
“No, no.”
My daughter not say anything else, she know she dying. I hold her up try feed her. She refuse food.
Whole family gather around us. They sit quiet as I hold her through night. She just sleep, open eyes one or two times to say “Oh, Mae.”
Mae come to sit beside me.
“She leaving us, daughter. You know that just before you die you see your real mom. Say good-bye to her, let her go.”
We just sit together crying. Outside rain so hard like the whole world cry too.
I think about day when we first arrive here. Anghar soldier come talk to me. Shrey-mom playing with her cousins. She so pretty, still healthy, still strong. Her laughter still full of joy
"You want to give daughter to me?” he ask. “She grow up healthy in my family. Lots of food. Go to school. A good life.”
How I know how bad life become? Still have food. Never think day come I not able care for my daughter.
"Is he crazy?" I think. "Why he even think such a thing?"
But now tonight I so angry at myself.
“Oh, if only I had given Shrey-Mom to that man. She still be alive today.”
Morning come. I find Anghar officer. Tell him what happen.
“Go to work,” he say. “We get her body and bury her.”
I wrap Shrey-mom in blanket and leave her on bed. I go to work. No choice. No time off to grieve. Hundreds of people die every day.
Walk home with my group. Nothing ever be same again. Nothing matter. Why even go home, my little girl’s body gone, tossed into big hole with other dead bodies. No one she know. No one know where hole is. Shovel after shovel of earth cover her. Never find.
“We have to take care of boy,” Mae say that night.
All night long, night after night, I breast feed my son. I so skinny can no longer sit on bed, my bones need cushion, many pillows. I cannot make milk, my son so little, just shrinking away.
He die so soon after Shrey- Mom. Now only 3 children in family – older sister’s children.
Just a few days ago I start to worry about my daughter.
Shrey-mom start to swell. Nothing really wrong, I say to myself. She just getting fat. Already two of my nieces starve to death. But not Shrey-Mom. I not see how weak she is.
Every day I come home from fields and she still lying in bed. One day she just no get up. That day it rain so hard. Too weak.
“Get up, Shrey-Mom. Get up. You have to eat. Get up.” I pull her out of the bed. Her body so limp.
“No, no.”
My daughter not say anything else, she know she dying. I hold her up try feed her. She refuse food.
Whole family gather around us. They sit quiet as I hold her through night. She just sleep, open eyes one or two times to say “Oh, Mae.”
Mae come to sit beside me.
“She leaving us, daughter. You know that just before you die you see your real mom. Say good-bye to her, let her go.”
We just sit together crying. Outside rain so hard like the whole world cry too.
I think about day when we first arrive here. Anghar soldier come talk to me. Shrey-mom playing with her cousins. She so pretty, still healthy, still strong. Her laughter still full of joy
"You want to give daughter to me?” he ask. “She grow up healthy in my family. Lots of food. Go to school. A good life.”
How I know how bad life become? Still have food. Never think day come I not able care for my daughter.
"Is he crazy?" I think. "Why he even think such a thing?"
But now tonight I so angry at myself.
“Oh, if only I had given Shrey-Mom to that man. She still be alive today.”
Morning come. I find Anghar officer. Tell him what happen.
“Go to work,” he say. “We get her body and bury her.”
I wrap Shrey-mom in blanket and leave her on bed. I go to work. No choice. No time off to grieve. Hundreds of people die every day.
Walk home with my group. Nothing ever be same again. Nothing matter. Why even go home, my little girl’s body gone, tossed into big hole with other dead bodies. No one she know. No one know where hole is. Shovel after shovel of earth cover her. Never find.
“We have to take care of boy,” Mae say that night.
All night long, night after night, I breast feed my son. I so skinny can no longer sit on bed, my bones need cushion, many pillows. I cannot make milk, my son so little, just shrinking away.
He die so soon after Shrey- Mom. Now only 3 children in family – older sister’s children.
Kou: Ba
Kou: Ba
Shrey-mom is singing as she pushes the baby in the hammock. She looks up when Ba walks inside. She is so young and yet I know she worries about Ba. She knows he is weak and sick because we have so little food.
‘Oh, grandpa!” She is excited to see him, she has good news. “You know, last night I dream about food. All night plates and plates of food. I wake up not hungry. Maybe we have a lot of food later.”
Ba stops beside her and gently pats her on the head.
“Oh Shrey-mom. You are only a little girl. Already you know that dreaming about food is about eating a lot of food. Such a wise girl.”
We all look at each other as she resumes rocking the baby. We understand so well the power of dreams, how you can wake up feeling as if you are full, even though you are starving. Until now, we did not know how close my daughter is to death.
Dream food not last long though. just mind tricks. Body big empty cavern.
Now I can feel energy from water. Under rain I feel a lot of energy. Water keep me alive.
Everyone starving. Most of all we worry about Mae and Ba. They both so weak.
One day I hatch plan. Number 2 sister has chicken for eggs. No way she part with that chicken. Like pet to her. So late in night when everyone sleeping. younger sister and I tiptoe outside to find chicken. We know exactly where that chicken is, underneath the house. I grab it and wring its neck.
Early next morning, I boil chicken and give to my parents and daughter to eat. It lasts for a couple days. Sister Number 2 never figure out what happen to her chicken.
Shrey-mom always cover her face when she sleep. When she born she always cover her eyes. One day when I am getting ready to go to work she beg me stay home.
“You know what happen when you leave, Mae? Uncle come into our room, he look everywhere for food. They think I sleep, but I see them.
I tell them what she say. She tell truth.
“We thought you sleeping,” her Uncle say.
***
Ba’s body swelling. Every day I come home from work and he worse. Mae too weak to take care of him.
We so frightened. Only hope to save Ba is to send him to hospital where they have thick rice soup.
“If I go, I don’t think I don’t think I will see any of you again.”
We know this true; other people go, no one ever come home
I have no choice. I have to convince him. I have to worry about Mae, too.
“We bring you back later,” I say. “I promise. Is only way.”
The trip to hospital takes half day. I walk there and report to person in charge that Ba very sick. Cart come take him away.
Mae go see him after one week. Second time she go she cannot find him there.
They don’t come to tell you when someone die. They just bury them.
We know Ba gone.
Wonder why we get up with sun. why we bother? Why we not just give up, lie down and wait to die?
Mae lie down beside me. She so small now her bones rub against mine. Her skin dry like lizard. She stroke my hand. Hear her breathe, still soft, so comforting when she so close.
“You must stay strong, Donc,” she say. “Babies to take care of.”
Son is crying on my chest. Beside me Shrey-mom asleep, her head hidden underneath small blanket.
Why I have these babies? If I not have babies I free to die.
Mae know what I thinking. My sisters and I still her babies. That why she still here. She reach across me and take my son onto her breast. Rock and sing to him. He fall asleep and still she sing. I rest my head on her shoulder. Can still smell flowers in her hair.
Shrey-mom is singing as she pushes the baby in the hammock. She looks up when Ba walks inside. She is so young and yet I know she worries about Ba. She knows he is weak and sick because we have so little food.
‘Oh, grandpa!” She is excited to see him, she has good news. “You know, last night I dream about food. All night plates and plates of food. I wake up not hungry. Maybe we have a lot of food later.”
Ba stops beside her and gently pats her on the head.
“Oh Shrey-mom. You are only a little girl. Already you know that dreaming about food is about eating a lot of food. Such a wise girl.”
We all look at each other as she resumes rocking the baby. We understand so well the power of dreams, how you can wake up feeling as if you are full, even though you are starving. Until now, we did not know how close my daughter is to death.
Dream food not last long though. just mind tricks. Body big empty cavern.
Now I can feel energy from water. Under rain I feel a lot of energy. Water keep me alive.
Everyone starving. Most of all we worry about Mae and Ba. They both so weak.
One day I hatch plan. Number 2 sister has chicken for eggs. No way she part with that chicken. Like pet to her. So late in night when everyone sleeping. younger sister and I tiptoe outside to find chicken. We know exactly where that chicken is, underneath the house. I grab it and wring its neck.
Early next morning, I boil chicken and give to my parents and daughter to eat. It lasts for a couple days. Sister Number 2 never figure out what happen to her chicken.
Shrey-mom always cover her face when she sleep. When she born she always cover her eyes. One day when I am getting ready to go to work she beg me stay home.
“You know what happen when you leave, Mae? Uncle come into our room, he look everywhere for food. They think I sleep, but I see them.
I tell them what she say. She tell truth.
“We thought you sleeping,” her Uncle say.
***
Ba’s body swelling. Every day I come home from work and he worse. Mae too weak to take care of him.
We so frightened. Only hope to save Ba is to send him to hospital where they have thick rice soup.
“If I go, I don’t think I don’t think I will see any of you again.”
We know this true; other people go, no one ever come home
I have no choice. I have to convince him. I have to worry about Mae, too.
“We bring you back later,” I say. “I promise. Is only way.”
The trip to hospital takes half day. I walk there and report to person in charge that Ba very sick. Cart come take him away.
Mae go see him after one week. Second time she go she cannot find him there.
They don’t come to tell you when someone die. They just bury them.
We know Ba gone.
Wonder why we get up with sun. why we bother? Why we not just give up, lie down and wait to die?
Mae lie down beside me. She so small now her bones rub against mine. Her skin dry like lizard. She stroke my hand. Hear her breathe, still soft, so comforting when she so close.
“You must stay strong, Donc,” she say. “Babies to take care of.”
Son is crying on my chest. Beside me Shrey-mom asleep, her head hidden underneath small blanket.
Why I have these babies? If I not have babies I free to die.
Mae know what I thinking. My sisters and I still her babies. That why she still here. She reach across me and take my son onto her breast. Rock and sing to him. He fall asleep and still she sing. I rest my head on her shoulder. Can still smell flowers in her hair.
Kou: 1973
Chapter 4
It is 1973. I am 7 months pregnant. One week my husband comes home, one week he doesn’t. He says he has overtime and there is no way he can make contact because we don’t have a telephone. Each night I wait for him to come home for dinner. I sit by myself and wait and he never comes
I move in with T and his parents; I live upustairs and he live downstairs, he still in medical school. they take care of me, parents and sister.
My stomache starts to hurt before midnight. I am by myself, I don’t want to wake anyone. I remember mom saying if you are going to have your baby be sure to clean yourself so I take a shower.
When the pain gets too bad I go downstaris and wake him. He takes me to the hospital and waits beside me until I go into the labor room. My daughter is born early in the morning.
The nurse comes outside and tells him “You have a daughter” .. “no,” he says. “It is not my daughter. She is just a friend.”
He stays with me until afternoon. My husband does not come. Mom brings me dinner and the next days his mom and sister come to check on memom and sister. After two days, my husband comes.
“Where were you? I have your baby for two days. Why didn’t you come,” I scream. He has a gun in his pocket and he makes a move as if he is going to draw it out and shoot me. He leaves.
I stay in the hospital for seven days. My husband comes to check me out and takes me to my mom’s house. She takes care of me for one month.
Three of my sisters are still living with mom when we move in. My husband comes and goes. Mom doesn’t like him.
“Why don’t you just not come anymore,” I finally say. “I don’t need you anymore. When I needed you you just weren’t there. Then finally he just leaves and doesn’t come back. I am just something he won in a contest. Why should he care? This is just part of our culture. It is how things are.
It is 1974 and my sisters and I set up a small booth on the street in front of mom’s house. We sell cigarettes, wine, herbs. My older sister sells her restuarnt and moves to Thailand. Sisters 5 and 6 come home and siter 5 gets married. My brother escapes to thailand because they are drafting all the young men to fight to Khmer Rouge.Almost everyone is a soldier, unless they escape. The old Chinese temple near my house becomes an army base. Most of our customers again are soldiers.. I make a business with all the army people come. Make a little money.
I meet Kuan that year. My daughter is almost a year old and he starts comes to the booth all the time to talk with me and he play with my daughter. My parents like him. We have a small party at our house, which means we are married. No roasted pig, no certificate for a second marriage. I am 22 and I am happy. My sisters move out the next year and now it is only me and my small family living in mom’s house. I am crazy in love.
War spiraling outside our little world. Every night we hear guns. Dum rap rap rap. Kuan count how many second between shooting and explisons like counting between thunder and lightening. We run to bed when we hear the sounds, cuddling together under our light blanket.
Everyday we go to temple. Pray bombs not hit any houses. We lucky. Bombs only in lake. Kuan a soldier. He inside tank. He not know how long he can stay here. Many Lon Nal soldiers deserting. We are together for nine short months when he decides to go see his father in Phnom Phen. He leaves in April 1975.
It is 1973. I am 7 months pregnant. One week my husband comes home, one week he doesn’t. He says he has overtime and there is no way he can make contact because we don’t have a telephone. Each night I wait for him to come home for dinner. I sit by myself and wait and he never comes
I move in with T and his parents; I live upustairs and he live downstairs, he still in medical school. they take care of me, parents and sister.
My stomache starts to hurt before midnight. I am by myself, I don’t want to wake anyone. I remember mom saying if you are going to have your baby be sure to clean yourself so I take a shower.
When the pain gets too bad I go downstaris and wake him. He takes me to the hospital and waits beside me until I go into the labor room. My daughter is born early in the morning.
The nurse comes outside and tells him “You have a daughter” .. “no,” he says. “It is not my daughter. She is just a friend.”
He stays with me until afternoon. My husband does not come. Mom brings me dinner and the next days his mom and sister come to check on memom and sister. After two days, my husband comes.
“Where were you? I have your baby for two days. Why didn’t you come,” I scream. He has a gun in his pocket and he makes a move as if he is going to draw it out and shoot me. He leaves.
I stay in the hospital for seven days. My husband comes to check me out and takes me to my mom’s house. She takes care of me for one month.
Three of my sisters are still living with mom when we move in. My husband comes and goes. Mom doesn’t like him.
“Why don’t you just not come anymore,” I finally say. “I don’t need you anymore. When I needed you you just weren’t there. Then finally he just leaves and doesn’t come back. I am just something he won in a contest. Why should he care? This is just part of our culture. It is how things are.
It is 1974 and my sisters and I set up a small booth on the street in front of mom’s house. We sell cigarettes, wine, herbs. My older sister sells her restuarnt and moves to Thailand. Sisters 5 and 6 come home and siter 5 gets married. My brother escapes to thailand because they are drafting all the young men to fight to Khmer Rouge.Almost everyone is a soldier, unless they escape. The old Chinese temple near my house becomes an army base. Most of our customers again are soldiers.. I make a business with all the army people come. Make a little money.
I meet Kuan that year. My daughter is almost a year old and he starts comes to the booth all the time to talk with me and he play with my daughter. My parents like him. We have a small party at our house, which means we are married. No roasted pig, no certificate for a second marriage. I am 22 and I am happy. My sisters move out the next year and now it is only me and my small family living in mom’s house. I am crazy in love.
War spiraling outside our little world. Every night we hear guns. Dum rap rap rap. Kuan count how many second between shooting and explisons like counting between thunder and lightening. We run to bed when we hear the sounds, cuddling together under our light blanket.
Everyday we go to temple. Pray bombs not hit any houses. We lucky. Bombs only in lake. Kuan a soldier. He inside tank. He not know how long he can stay here. Many Lon Nal soldiers deserting. We are together for nine short months when he decides to go see his father in Phnom Phen. He leaves in April 1975.
Kou: Kandal,1975
Thousands and thousands of people everywhere around big temple. Lots of food. Maybe soldiers take good care of us after all. Family find place to rest in crowd. See many people we know.
Everybody think Khmer Rouge ‘freedom fighters’ now. Couple days radio says Lon Nal defeated in Phnom Phen. Everybody cheer. Good news. Now we go home!
Almost right away, big trucks drive around. Young soldiers talk through megaphones. “Not safe yet,” they tell us. “Nobody go home yet. Plenty food here. We wait.”
Young KR soldier know from chlldhood. He nothing to me.
One day he come hit me on side head say “You be good.”
“Ohhhh, now you big KR,” I pretend fear. He know he nobody. He not hurt me.
Everybody still hope but wake up one morning see KR trucks taking people away. Every city family go to host family in country. A KR family.
We so lucky Mae’s family so near. Only one week and Mae’s brother come to pick us up. Not everybody fit in small boat. My uncle’s son take Akmow. That night just across lake hear dog howling. Oh, Akmow. You okay. We come get you.
Next day soldier-friend come ask if he can take Akmou. Donate him to KR.
“You crazy? Never give Akmou away. He my daughter’s dog. He with us since puppy. Go away.”
Uncle warn me be careful with KR but I no care. He not frighten me.
One of children get measles. Oh that boy so very sick. He need blood from magic black dog. Ba mix herbs to cure, cut Akmou’s ear, just little cut to get magic black dog blood.
Akmou never same after this. He just sleep a lot. He such a good dog, just a wild dog. He never like girls. Sometimes I see females for him, he not interested.
Akmou die at uncles.
We go to live with Mae’s brother. Host family live short walk away, Mae, Shrey-mom and I live under house in chicken coop. Ba not sleep with us.
Things fine, start to see many people I know before. But there such sense of dread. Worst yet to come.
Uncle’s wife tell me one day, “You be careful what you talk about. Don’t say anything about your past. Don’t complain.”
Be dam kou.
I work in field playing scarecrow scare birds away. Cousin come by on bicycle.
“Quick, he say, “take you to see sister-in-law
Everyone follow him. Family so rich, Know so many people. Cook big meal for us. Give us back suitcase of Ba’s things. Tell us Pol Pot turn calendar back to Year O. Cambodia new country, separate from world, cut out everything old for blank slate. No yesterday. Never go home. Forget it. Even money not buy way home.
***
Happy day. Shrey-Mom playing in lake. Many people there, laughing having fun. First time joy.
Come home, little aunt call me.
“What wrong with you? Why you not listen to me?”
She grab scissors and cut off all my hair. I crying. “This not party. You can’t go around looking pretty. Your life going to change.”
How can life change more? What does she know she not telling me?
Every night around sunset I put Shrey-mom to bed, watch the sunset and cry. Feel so sick everyday. Know I having baby. Can’t imagine bring new baby into this world. Decide must kill baby.
Start to climb tall trees, jump off land on stomach, dive into lake so stomach hit bottom. No luck, baby continue to grow in me.
Then two of my sisters arrive; one pregnant, other with new baby maybe one month old. This make it harder. I embarassed that none of us has husband for our children.
So many of my friends from past; I wonder what has become of them.
Every morning someone else missing. Hear dogs barking at night, next day someone, maybe whole family, disappear. I know they say too much. Not follow rules. Here not possible to know who your enemy. Everyone out for themselves.
One family she without husband, just like me, one daugher. She so beautiful, husband so rich. Her mom take care of her.
She come get me every night, she talk.
“You be careful about this,” I say. “Don’t ever talk about your past. Remember, the walls have ears. Don’t ever say anything.”
She not listen. Then one day she gone. Look everywhere. Mi’s friends, walk to uncles’s house. Noone see her. In afternoon her mom come outside with little girl. I rush up to her; She crying, not want anyone to see.
“Where Donc?”
“Anghar come last night,” she say. “Take her away to school. Maybe she back soon.”
Oh, beautiful friend, why you not listen? Now you gone forever. No one come home from school. Everybody know that.
“Maybe they think she CIA,” sister say.
“What CIA?”
“Worst thing to be CIA. Bad people. US. That why they kill you.”
My stomach get bigger and bigger but never feel baby move. I so worried, never tell Mae I pregnant.
Then maybe 7 months pass when pains begin. Call out to Mae to tell her. She sends Ba for boiling water.
There under house where animals live baby boy born, look very healthy. Start fire under bed to keep child warm. Just like with Shrey-Mom, just like with me, Just like with Mae. Old Cambodian tradition make me feel so safe. Hold my baby, fire underneath us. No worry tonight.
***
Sky color of peacock eggs remind me of home. Oh such a mess now, no time to clean before leaving. Papers, dishes, pans, pictures, clothing, everything on floor, spilling out of cabinets. Squish nose. Musty. Dense blanket dust.
Open windows. Lotus blossom smell enters with river breeze. Maybe not so bad. Maybe half day everything clean, back in order. Like nothing happen.
Every day dream about home. Not tell anyone. Not safe to talk about past. Unka make you disappear they hear you. Cambodia gone. Now Democratic Kampuchia. We build new country. Take five year.
I not believe them. They scare me before. Now I know they not so bad. Just no talk. No complain. Get food to eat. Stay with family. Some things okay here. Mi with her family. She happy. Not mind sleeping under house with chickens. She very strong, brave. Not blame Ba like me. Shrey-Mom play with cousins just like before. Love baby brother.
Still, I worry, what about Kuan? How he ever find me now? He not know where to look, never visit Mi family. Uniform still at house. He know something bad happen. He not know we still alive. Not even know he daddy.
Shrey-mom waking up dust with long skinny reed, drawing little pictures in dry ground as we walk towards Grandma’s house. Gentle baby songs soothe her brother to sleep; his body sags against my chest with deep sigh of release. As we round corner, see house. Two big dirty white KR trucks parked outside, small group child-sized soldiers talking to my parents. Long before see Mi’s face smell her fear. Silent but all around her like halo beaming out across fields like parallel bolts of earthbound lightening. So powerful I stop walking, pull Shey-mom to my side.
“Sssssh….”
Ba calm her terror. He reach out grasp Mi’s arm steady her, as he talks with soldiers. Voices so quiet. I see Ba nod his head,he bow slightly to soldiers. they return to trucks and drive away.
Mi and Ba already inside when I arrive.
“What happen? Everything okay?”
Ba is one to tell me. “Soldiers say we leave tomorrow. Go much better place. Lots of food, work for everyone. Many friends already there. You see, much better.”
“I don’t want to go,” I cry. “We happy here. Why we need to leave?”
“Okay, Kim, we okay. Much better. You see. No worry.”
Mi say nothing. Her face very still but in her throat that frog hopping around again.
Open eyes before sun. Shrey-Mom still sleeping, her head under blanket.
“Oh, little girl,” I think. “Why they not keep you here? You too little for all this trouble. How I take care of you?”
Uncle come downstairs and hand Ba a sac of rice and bundle of pickled fish. He happy for us. Still no idea where we go, but no problem, he say. Remember last time. We find you. Things go wrong, find you again.
Mi’s little sister stands outside waiting. She see me and come over with small bag of rice.
“You need more food for family,” she say. “I give you this for your gold chain.”
I don’t even think about it, just unclasp chain, hand to her and turn away to join group of people walking to river. I know I never see her again. Never see any of Mi’s family again.
Five or six boats waiting for us on riverbank. Ferry group after group of people to other side. Order us into big cattle trucks, no windows , a couple family each truck. One guard black uniform in back of truck with us. Not so long to train station,he tell us.
Why I the only one who sad? I watch out back of truck as we move out. See family’s house. Oh, they so rich, they no have problem. Why they stay and we go? Why they not take care of us?
At train station everyone know we going to Battambang. Stand by side of track for hour or so. Peole laughing, talking. Battambang such good idea, they saying. That where the KR first begin with big rice fields before Cambodia collapse. Battambang good place to begin new life. So lucky. Things much better there.
Seats enough for everyone on train. Late afternoon and sun still so hot. Too hot to eat. Dream about swimming now in lake near Grandma’s house. Just yesterday, we swim there. Now already so far away. Where we sleep tonight? Lean against side of traincar, try to sleep, but Po always hungry. He cry so much until I feed him. Everytime think he sleep he cry again. So tired, hard to keep eyes open. At least Shrey-Mom sleeps, her head on my lap underneath her blanket. She must be so hot under there. I lift away from her face but she snatches it back without opening her eyes.
This is nighmare again, same nightmare like night we leave Phnom Phen.
Ba gets up, walks to front of traincar and fills bowl with water. Stops beside me to offer some. Just turn face away,maybe better he not see hate in my eyes. I not remember and reach towards throat to touch gold necklace. Why I do that? Why I give to little aunt? She not need it. Only thing I have left. Look out window, but don’t see anything.
Late afternoon. The train stop. Guard order us out. Only couple train cars of people, one hundred maybe, on platform. Very very old and small train station. Sign read Moum Rhoussey. By now everyone so tired, so hungry, no more laughing. One family we know but too weary to talk. Everyone sit alongside track. Waiting but not know what we waiting for.
Day finally getting cooler when next ride arrives. Small wooden wagons each drawn by two cows pull up at station. One wagon for every family. My family lucky, we get ride right away.
Man driving wagon look very mean. He tall and skinney, big scar on cheek. Horse eyes on side of head, maybe he see behind him. We all very quiet. We big family. Very crowded. Children bounce around on our laps. No complain at bumps in road.
Cart stop in front of two houses. Old couple come out from each house to great us as we arrive. Sleep tonight under houses, they say.. Even I so tired, I want to keep going. Why we have to stay here fornight? It not even dark yet, too early for bed. Why we not just keep going until we get to new home? Not understand.
No chance to ask questions. Two more carts arrive and drop off families, old peole turn back into their houses. Mi cooks rice for us and we eat outside. Just as stars first start to appear, we quietly file under house, lie down in row to sleep on the ground. Everyone too tired to care. Just hoping to sleep quick through night to begin journey again.
We just close eyes when man calls out loudy from outside. So early even sun not quite awake, under house cannot yet see one another through darkness. Sisters and I remain still beside our children, but Mi rises and walks out with Ba and their sons-in-law. hear her preparing food, fall back to sleep. Quick as that she calling us to eat. We slow getting up, leave children sleeping.
More rice and pickled fish. No talking anyhere until man who wake us comes over.
“Enough eating,” he says. “You in my group now. This your new home. Everybody go out and cut down things to make your cottage. No time to waste.”
Frog is jumping around like crazy in Mi’s throat. I reach out and put my hand over, calm down. My own hand shaking so hard Mi grab and hold against her heart. Feel my head move violently back and forth, back and forth. Big sobs jerk body. Mi pull me closer into arms. So many years since she hold me. She whispering into and stroking my hair, like I baby. I fold against her reed thin body. Feel explosions of her heartbeat. It pulses throughout her body like hummingbird trapped in deadly gauze of mosquiteo net.
A few minutes she gently pushes me away. Grabs chin, looks into my eyes.
“Have to go help men, Kim,” she says. “You must be strong. You and your sisters stay here, take care children.”
She smiles into my eyes, she strokes my face.
“We together, Kim. We still together. No difference. Family everything, everything we need right here.”
She stands up and walks away with men. Sun rising behind them distorts their shape in new light, they much taller yet very very much like ghosts, You could just reach your hand in and through the other side.
Then suddenly they disappear into morning’s shades.
Everybody think Khmer Rouge ‘freedom fighters’ now. Couple days radio says Lon Nal defeated in Phnom Phen. Everybody cheer. Good news. Now we go home!
Almost right away, big trucks drive around. Young soldiers talk through megaphones. “Not safe yet,” they tell us. “Nobody go home yet. Plenty food here. We wait.”
Young KR soldier know from chlldhood. He nothing to me.
One day he come hit me on side head say “You be good.”
“Ohhhh, now you big KR,” I pretend fear. He know he nobody. He not hurt me.
Everybody still hope but wake up one morning see KR trucks taking people away. Every city family go to host family in country. A KR family.
We so lucky Mae’s family so near. Only one week and Mae’s brother come to pick us up. Not everybody fit in small boat. My uncle’s son take Akmow. That night just across lake hear dog howling. Oh, Akmow. You okay. We come get you.
Next day soldier-friend come ask if he can take Akmou. Donate him to KR.
“You crazy? Never give Akmou away. He my daughter’s dog. He with us since puppy. Go away.”
Uncle warn me be careful with KR but I no care. He not frighten me.
One of children get measles. Oh that boy so very sick. He need blood from magic black dog. Ba mix herbs to cure, cut Akmou’s ear, just little cut to get magic black dog blood.
Akmou never same after this. He just sleep a lot. He such a good dog, just a wild dog. He never like girls. Sometimes I see females for him, he not interested.
Akmou die at uncles.
We go to live with Mae’s brother. Host family live short walk away, Mae, Shrey-mom and I live under house in chicken coop. Ba not sleep with us.
Things fine, start to see many people I know before. But there such sense of dread. Worst yet to come.
Uncle’s wife tell me one day, “You be careful what you talk about. Don’t say anything about your past. Don’t complain.”
Be dam kou.
I work in field playing scarecrow scare birds away. Cousin come by on bicycle.
“Quick, he say, “take you to see sister-in-law
Everyone follow him. Family so rich, Know so many people. Cook big meal for us. Give us back suitcase of Ba’s things. Tell us Pol Pot turn calendar back to Year O. Cambodia new country, separate from world, cut out everything old for blank slate. No yesterday. Never go home. Forget it. Even money not buy way home.
***
Happy day. Shrey-Mom playing in lake. Many people there, laughing having fun. First time joy.
Come home, little aunt call me.
“What wrong with you? Why you not listen to me?”
She grab scissors and cut off all my hair. I crying. “This not party. You can’t go around looking pretty. Your life going to change.”
How can life change more? What does she know she not telling me?
Every night around sunset I put Shrey-mom to bed, watch the sunset and cry. Feel so sick everyday. Know I having baby. Can’t imagine bring new baby into this world. Decide must kill baby.
Start to climb tall trees, jump off land on stomach, dive into lake so stomach hit bottom. No luck, baby continue to grow in me.
Then two of my sisters arrive; one pregnant, other with new baby maybe one month old. This make it harder. I embarassed that none of us has husband for our children.
So many of my friends from past; I wonder what has become of them.
Every morning someone else missing. Hear dogs barking at night, next day someone, maybe whole family, disappear. I know they say too much. Not follow rules. Here not possible to know who your enemy. Everyone out for themselves.
One family she without husband, just like me, one daugher. She so beautiful, husband so rich. Her mom take care of her.
She come get me every night, she talk.
“You be careful about this,” I say. “Don’t ever talk about your past. Remember, the walls have ears. Don’t ever say anything.”
She not listen. Then one day she gone. Look everywhere. Mi’s friends, walk to uncles’s house. Noone see her. In afternoon her mom come outside with little girl. I rush up to her; She crying, not want anyone to see.
“Where Donc?”
“Anghar come last night,” she say. “Take her away to school. Maybe she back soon.”
Oh, beautiful friend, why you not listen? Now you gone forever. No one come home from school. Everybody know that.
“Maybe they think she CIA,” sister say.
“What CIA?”
“Worst thing to be CIA. Bad people. US. That why they kill you.”
My stomach get bigger and bigger but never feel baby move. I so worried, never tell Mae I pregnant.
Then maybe 7 months pass when pains begin. Call out to Mae to tell her. She sends Ba for boiling water.
There under house where animals live baby boy born, look very healthy. Start fire under bed to keep child warm. Just like with Shrey-Mom, just like with me, Just like with Mae. Old Cambodian tradition make me feel so safe. Hold my baby, fire underneath us. No worry tonight.
***
Sky color of peacock eggs remind me of home. Oh such a mess now, no time to clean before leaving. Papers, dishes, pans, pictures, clothing, everything on floor, spilling out of cabinets. Squish nose. Musty. Dense blanket dust.
Open windows. Lotus blossom smell enters with river breeze. Maybe not so bad. Maybe half day everything clean, back in order. Like nothing happen.
Every day dream about home. Not tell anyone. Not safe to talk about past. Unka make you disappear they hear you. Cambodia gone. Now Democratic Kampuchia. We build new country. Take five year.
I not believe them. They scare me before. Now I know they not so bad. Just no talk. No complain. Get food to eat. Stay with family. Some things okay here. Mi with her family. She happy. Not mind sleeping under house with chickens. She very strong, brave. Not blame Ba like me. Shrey-Mom play with cousins just like before. Love baby brother.
Still, I worry, what about Kuan? How he ever find me now? He not know where to look, never visit Mi family. Uniform still at house. He know something bad happen. He not know we still alive. Not even know he daddy.
Shrey-mom waking up dust with long skinny reed, drawing little pictures in dry ground as we walk towards Grandma’s house. Gentle baby songs soothe her brother to sleep; his body sags against my chest with deep sigh of release. As we round corner, see house. Two big dirty white KR trucks parked outside, small group child-sized soldiers talking to my parents. Long before see Mi’s face smell her fear. Silent but all around her like halo beaming out across fields like parallel bolts of earthbound lightening. So powerful I stop walking, pull Shey-mom to my side.
“Sssssh….”
Ba calm her terror. He reach out grasp Mi’s arm steady her, as he talks with soldiers. Voices so quiet. I see Ba nod his head,he bow slightly to soldiers. they return to trucks and drive away.
Mi and Ba already inside when I arrive.
“What happen? Everything okay?”
Ba is one to tell me. “Soldiers say we leave tomorrow. Go much better place. Lots of food, work for everyone. Many friends already there. You see, much better.”
“I don’t want to go,” I cry. “We happy here. Why we need to leave?”
“Okay, Kim, we okay. Much better. You see. No worry.”
Mi say nothing. Her face very still but in her throat that frog hopping around again.
Open eyes before sun. Shrey-Mom still sleeping, her head under blanket.
“Oh, little girl,” I think. “Why they not keep you here? You too little for all this trouble. How I take care of you?”
Uncle come downstairs and hand Ba a sac of rice and bundle of pickled fish. He happy for us. Still no idea where we go, but no problem, he say. Remember last time. We find you. Things go wrong, find you again.
Mi’s little sister stands outside waiting. She see me and come over with small bag of rice.
“You need more food for family,” she say. “I give you this for your gold chain.”
I don’t even think about it, just unclasp chain, hand to her and turn away to join group of people walking to river. I know I never see her again. Never see any of Mi’s family again.
Five or six boats waiting for us on riverbank. Ferry group after group of people to other side. Order us into big cattle trucks, no windows , a couple family each truck. One guard black uniform in back of truck with us. Not so long to train station,he tell us.
Why I the only one who sad? I watch out back of truck as we move out. See family’s house. Oh, they so rich, they no have problem. Why they stay and we go? Why they not take care of us?
At train station everyone know we going to Battambang. Stand by side of track for hour or so. Peole laughing, talking. Battambang such good idea, they saying. That where the KR first begin with big rice fields before Cambodia collapse. Battambang good place to begin new life. So lucky. Things much better there.
Seats enough for everyone on train. Late afternoon and sun still so hot. Too hot to eat. Dream about swimming now in lake near Grandma’s house. Just yesterday, we swim there. Now already so far away. Where we sleep tonight? Lean against side of traincar, try to sleep, but Po always hungry. He cry so much until I feed him. Everytime think he sleep he cry again. So tired, hard to keep eyes open. At least Shrey-Mom sleeps, her head on my lap underneath her blanket. She must be so hot under there. I lift away from her face but she snatches it back without opening her eyes.
This is nighmare again, same nightmare like night we leave Phnom Phen.
Ba gets up, walks to front of traincar and fills bowl with water. Stops beside me to offer some. Just turn face away,maybe better he not see hate in my eyes. I not remember and reach towards throat to touch gold necklace. Why I do that? Why I give to little aunt? She not need it. Only thing I have left. Look out window, but don’t see anything.
Late afternoon. The train stop. Guard order us out. Only couple train cars of people, one hundred maybe, on platform. Very very old and small train station. Sign read Moum Rhoussey. By now everyone so tired, so hungry, no more laughing. One family we know but too weary to talk. Everyone sit alongside track. Waiting but not know what we waiting for.
Day finally getting cooler when next ride arrives. Small wooden wagons each drawn by two cows pull up at station. One wagon for every family. My family lucky, we get ride right away.
Man driving wagon look very mean. He tall and skinney, big scar on cheek. Horse eyes on side of head, maybe he see behind him. We all very quiet. We big family. Very crowded. Children bounce around on our laps. No complain at bumps in road.
Cart stop in front of two houses. Old couple come out from each house to great us as we arrive. Sleep tonight under houses, they say.. Even I so tired, I want to keep going. Why we have to stay here fornight? It not even dark yet, too early for bed. Why we not just keep going until we get to new home? Not understand.
No chance to ask questions. Two more carts arrive and drop off families, old peole turn back into their houses. Mi cooks rice for us and we eat outside. Just as stars first start to appear, we quietly file under house, lie down in row to sleep on the ground. Everyone too tired to care. Just hoping to sleep quick through night to begin journey again.
We just close eyes when man calls out loudy from outside. So early even sun not quite awake, under house cannot yet see one another through darkness. Sisters and I remain still beside our children, but Mi rises and walks out with Ba and their sons-in-law. hear her preparing food, fall back to sleep. Quick as that she calling us to eat. We slow getting up, leave children sleeping.
More rice and pickled fish. No talking anyhere until man who wake us comes over.
“Enough eating,” he says. “You in my group now. This your new home. Everybody go out and cut down things to make your cottage. No time to waste.”
Frog is jumping around like crazy in Mi’s throat. I reach out and put my hand over, calm down. My own hand shaking so hard Mi grab and hold against her heart. Feel my head move violently back and forth, back and forth. Big sobs jerk body. Mi pull me closer into arms. So many years since she hold me. She whispering into and stroking my hair, like I baby. I fold against her reed thin body. Feel explosions of her heartbeat. It pulses throughout her body like hummingbird trapped in deadly gauze of mosquiteo net.
A few minutes she gently pushes me away. Grabs chin, looks into my eyes.
“Have to go help men, Kim,” she says. “You must be strong. You and your sisters stay here, take care children.”
She smiles into my eyes, she strokes my face.
“We together, Kim. We still together. No difference. Family everything, everything we need right here.”
She stands up and walks away with men. Sun rising behind them distorts their shape in new light, they much taller yet very very much like ghosts, You could just reach your hand in and through the other side.
Then suddenly they disappear into morning’s shades.
Kou: Phnom Phen: 1973
Phnom Phen. 1973
The room is dark, like a big black sac. My breath, clutched high in my chest, is the only sound. It comes faster and faster in gasps. My hands fly to my throat.
“Oh, Mae, now it’s time for you to help me. I just can’t stay here anymore.”
Husband and I live in a small house. He never comes home. One week he’s here, the next week he doesn’t come. A lot of overtime these days, he says. And we don’t have a telephone. How is he supposed to tell me these things?
I no longer work in the restaurant with big sister. No more tips, fancy clothes, handsome flirting soldiers. Now I am seven months pregnant. Don’t know how this happened. Only one, maybe two times we have together as man and wife.
Why didn’t I look where I was going? Feel like a little fly. Stop fighting! Trapped too deep in spider web. Now it is too late. Only 22. My life is over.
I have sucked all the oxygen from the room. I lie down on the floor and close my eyes. I pray to my spirit, “Just go away. Find another body.”
Suddenly, there are steps on the stair. Tha calls my name. Quick like that he is leaning over me. Holds my head in his hands. Maybe now everything is okay. Tha always takes care of me.
“Kim. Wake up, You okay? Wake up!”
I cry like a baby in Tha’s arms. No shame. No care anymore.
My sister comes with her children. They talk about me as if I am not there. Tha is worried that I am all alone. Sister has no time to take care of me.
“Kim can come stay with my family,” he says. “We will watch over her until baby comes.”
Sister helps me pack things in a small bag. I move in with Tha and his parents; I live upstairs and he lives downstairs. He is still in medical school. His parents and sister take care of me. Things are so much better now. I am not so alone.
I am by myself when the first birth pains begin. It is just before midnight. Don’t want to wake anyone. I remember Mae saying “when you are going to have your baby, clean yourself.” I take a shower.
The pain gets too bad. I go downstairs, wake Tha. He takes me to the hospital and waits beside me until I go into the labor room.
My daughter is born early in the morning
.
“You have a daughter,” the nurse tells Tah.
“No,” he says. “Not my daughter. She is just a friend.”
Tha stays until the afternoon. Husband does not come. Mae brings dinner and Tae’s mom and sister come to check on me. After two days, my husband comes.
“Where were you?” I am so angry now, so ashamed. “I have your baby for two days. Why didn’t you come?”
Such disrespect for husband is not allowed. He moves his hand to his pocket. I know he has gun. He pretends he is going to draw it out and shoot me. His eyes glare at me with threat. But he turns and leaves.
I stay in the hospital for seven days. Then husband comes. Takes me to Takmou. We move in with Mae. Three sisters still live with her. House is crowded but husband just come and go when he wants. Mae not like him.
Finally, one day I am just too angry. Don’t want to be a thing he won in a contest anymore. Now I am mother. Deserve respect. He makes everything worse for everyone here.
“Why don’t you just not come anymore?” I say. “I don’t need you. When I needed you, you weren’t there.”
Now Ba is the only man in our home. Much better this way. Shrey-mom is everybody’s baby. A new joy for my family.
***
Takmou. 1974.
The old Chinese temple near our house is now a military base. Army is drafting everyone. Soldiers are all over town. Older Brother doesn’t want to fight. He is the first to escape to Thailand. Soon after, older sister sells the restaurant in Phnom Phen and moves her family to Thailand.
Sisters and I decide to start a business. We set up a small stand alongside Highway 2. Sell cigarettes, herbs, wine to soldiers.
Shrey-mom is almost a year old when Kuan first comes to our stand. He hangs around longer than his friends. Plays with Shrey mom and Akmow. Big, happy eyes. Soon he is stopping by every day.
Kuan has been in the army for two years. He flies planes. Came to Takmou six months ago. He lives in the old temple. Many of the soldiers don’t want to fight anymore, he tells me.
He talks about the US planes killing many, many Cambodians. They fight with Communists on Cambodian land. This is not our war. Lon Nil is not our leader. The US put him in there. He is just a puppet.
Kuan knows all this. Maybe the Khmer soldiers are right, he thinks. Maybe they are really freedom fighters. Afterall, Shianook is with them.
Now I not know what to think. This is big news to me.
"What about the disappeared?" I ask.
Kuan not know. Maybe they just leave to join Khmer, maybe not really disappear. Maybe they are just afraid to tell anyone what they know.
“Soon it will not be safe to wear this uniform. Not safe for you to talk to me.”
It’s too late for that. Already I am in love with Kuan. He is everything I ever hoped for. Strong. Gentle. So much fun. So good to Shrey-mom and me. He treats her like his own child.
There is no fancy ceremony when I marry Kuan. Not at all like my first marriage. Just a small party. But so different from then because I am so happy.
Family loves Kuan, too. Ba says he is like another son, almost as good as having own son home again.
Now Kuan and I sleep tight together. Now we are the little fish safe in a tin. Close cover at night. Nobody bother us.
Almost nine months in heaven. So romantic. Crazy in love. We are like the pages of an open book, tossing back and forth in a frenzy of wind, never touching down. So free, flying out here. Then the book finally slams shut. We can’t find our place. The world around us has changed so drastically. There is no return.
Maybe Kuan tries to warn me but I am still not listening. Like when I was a little girl and I thought, “Just close eyes, no one see you. You safe.”
The room is dark, like a big black sac. My breath, clutched high in my chest, is the only sound. It comes faster and faster in gasps. My hands fly to my throat.
“Oh, Mae, now it’s time for you to help me. I just can’t stay here anymore.”
Husband and I live in a small house. He never comes home. One week he’s here, the next week he doesn’t come. A lot of overtime these days, he says. And we don’t have a telephone. How is he supposed to tell me these things?
I no longer work in the restaurant with big sister. No more tips, fancy clothes, handsome flirting soldiers. Now I am seven months pregnant. Don’t know how this happened. Only one, maybe two times we have together as man and wife.
Why didn’t I look where I was going? Feel like a little fly. Stop fighting! Trapped too deep in spider web. Now it is too late. Only 22. My life is over.
I have sucked all the oxygen from the room. I lie down on the floor and close my eyes. I pray to my spirit, “Just go away. Find another body.”
Suddenly, there are steps on the stair. Tha calls my name. Quick like that he is leaning over me. Holds my head in his hands. Maybe now everything is okay. Tha always takes care of me.
“Kim. Wake up, You okay? Wake up!”
I cry like a baby in Tha’s arms. No shame. No care anymore.
My sister comes with her children. They talk about me as if I am not there. Tha is worried that I am all alone. Sister has no time to take care of me.
“Kim can come stay with my family,” he says. “We will watch over her until baby comes.”
Sister helps me pack things in a small bag. I move in with Tha and his parents; I live upstairs and he lives downstairs. He is still in medical school. His parents and sister take care of me. Things are so much better now. I am not so alone.
I am by myself when the first birth pains begin. It is just before midnight. Don’t want to wake anyone. I remember Mae saying “when you are going to have your baby, clean yourself.” I take a shower.
The pain gets too bad. I go downstairs, wake Tha. He takes me to the hospital and waits beside me until I go into the labor room.
My daughter is born early in the morning
.
“You have a daughter,” the nurse tells Tah.
“No,” he says. “Not my daughter. She is just a friend.”
Tha stays until the afternoon. Husband does not come. Mae brings dinner and Tae’s mom and sister come to check on me. After two days, my husband comes.
“Where were you?” I am so angry now, so ashamed. “I have your baby for two days. Why didn’t you come?”
Such disrespect for husband is not allowed. He moves his hand to his pocket. I know he has gun. He pretends he is going to draw it out and shoot me. His eyes glare at me with threat. But he turns and leaves.
I stay in the hospital for seven days. Then husband comes. Takes me to Takmou. We move in with Mae. Three sisters still live with her. House is crowded but husband just come and go when he wants. Mae not like him.
Finally, one day I am just too angry. Don’t want to be a thing he won in a contest anymore. Now I am mother. Deserve respect. He makes everything worse for everyone here.
“Why don’t you just not come anymore?” I say. “I don’t need you. When I needed you, you weren’t there.”
Now Ba is the only man in our home. Much better this way. Shrey-mom is everybody’s baby. A new joy for my family.
***
Takmou. 1974.
The old Chinese temple near our house is now a military base. Army is drafting everyone. Soldiers are all over town. Older Brother doesn’t want to fight. He is the first to escape to Thailand. Soon after, older sister sells the restaurant in Phnom Phen and moves her family to Thailand.
Sisters and I decide to start a business. We set up a small stand alongside Highway 2. Sell cigarettes, herbs, wine to soldiers.
Shrey-mom is almost a year old when Kuan first comes to our stand. He hangs around longer than his friends. Plays with Shrey mom and Akmow. Big, happy eyes. Soon he is stopping by every day.
Kuan has been in the army for two years. He flies planes. Came to Takmou six months ago. He lives in the old temple. Many of the soldiers don’t want to fight anymore, he tells me.
He talks about the US planes killing many, many Cambodians. They fight with Communists on Cambodian land. This is not our war. Lon Nil is not our leader. The US put him in there. He is just a puppet.
Kuan knows all this. Maybe the Khmer soldiers are right, he thinks. Maybe they are really freedom fighters. Afterall, Shianook is with them.
Now I not know what to think. This is big news to me.
"What about the disappeared?" I ask.
Kuan not know. Maybe they just leave to join Khmer, maybe not really disappear. Maybe they are just afraid to tell anyone what they know.
“Soon it will not be safe to wear this uniform. Not safe for you to talk to me.”
It’s too late for that. Already I am in love with Kuan. He is everything I ever hoped for. Strong. Gentle. So much fun. So good to Shrey-mom and me. He treats her like his own child.
There is no fancy ceremony when I marry Kuan. Not at all like my first marriage. Just a small party. But so different from then because I am so happy.
Family loves Kuan, too. Ba says he is like another son, almost as good as having own son home again.
Now Kuan and I sleep tight together. Now we are the little fish safe in a tin. Close cover at night. Nobody bother us.
Almost nine months in heaven. So romantic. Crazy in love. We are like the pages of an open book, tossing back and forth in a frenzy of wind, never touching down. So free, flying out here. Then the book finally slams shut. We can’t find our place. The world around us has changed so drastically. There is no return.
Maybe Kuan tries to warn me but I am still not listening. Like when I was a little girl and I thought, “Just close eyes, no one see you. You safe.”
PhnomPhen: restaurant
The country is at war and the restauranty is always full of soldiers. They all flirt with me. All of the soldiers want me to serve them.
I make my own clothes, long cambodian skirts and sexy shirts. Long hair, high heels, a lot of makeup. I am so famous, so pretty.
And now I am rich. I make so much money on tips. So many of the soldiers are married but they are in PP alone and they come to the restaurant at night to flirt. Some of them come three times a day. My brother’s wife is a waitress and she is so pretty too. They flirt with her.
The soldiers drink a lot, white and red wine with a lion lable. They have guns and sometimes the begin fighting each other at the tables. There are too many men but I want jewelry, clothing and they are sometimes so generous.
My best childhood friend Thea is in PP in medical school
His parents and mine have the same last name, and in Cambodia that makes you like family. When he was young he came to our house and stayed while he went to high school and college. I am four years younger than him. His family is middle class, richer than us.
In PP, Thea spoils me so bad. He takes me out all the time. One time I go to the bathroom in the restaurant and I have a worm from eating too much raw meat. I don’t know what is wrong and I come out of the bathroom and say “Gee, I have something” and he say “Oh, you have a worm” and he brings me medicine and stays with me for 24 hours, follows me around to make sure I am okay. He kisses my forehead, touches my hand.
On one of my visits home, mom tells me that Thea’s parents want him to marry a girl who is in medical school with him. Her parents are very wealthy and they are going to buy their son a house and a car when they marry. I remember that Thea’s father once told me “I don’t care who my son marries so long as he is happy.” But I get a funny feeling.
Thea keepscoming to see me at the restaurant. One night we go out to dinnerx He has a blue vespa and I sit behind him as we drive through the city. “Do you see that house,” he asks. “That is where the girl my parents want me to marry lives. I don’t want to marry her. When you and I get married, we won’t have a big wedding.”
But he never asks and now I am 21 and mom is worried I will get pregnant. She is afraid I am going to do something stupid. I am always telling her “Don’t worry, mom. I am going to get married. You will see.”
A lot of soldiers want to marry me and three of them begin fighting over me. “Go ask my mom,” I tell them. “I will marry the man who goes to see my mother.”
Why I do that? A couple of months later, one of the soldiers, he is important but much older than me, not at all handsome, takes me up on it. He visits my mother. He has been married before and has a son. He is not in the active army. He works in the city.
We marry in my mother’s house. We close the restaurant and have a big party with a security guard outside because we are still very much in danger from the old married soldier who threatened to kidnap me.
I am married to the man who won me in a contest. We move into a small house near my second sister. It is 1973. I sit in this house day after day, waiting for him to come home. Sometimes he doesn’t come for days and days. I get pregnant without planning to.got pregnant without planning. I had only had sex a couple of times.
I spend a lot of time with my sister next door and her kids.
The kidnapping begins. During the night, the Khmer Rouge come. Neighbors just disappear. They are gone in the morning. No one knows. No one says anyting.
I make my own clothes, long cambodian skirts and sexy shirts. Long hair, high heels, a lot of makeup. I am so famous, so pretty.
And now I am rich. I make so much money on tips. So many of the soldiers are married but they are in PP alone and they come to the restaurant at night to flirt. Some of them come three times a day. My brother’s wife is a waitress and she is so pretty too. They flirt with her.
The soldiers drink a lot, white and red wine with a lion lable. They have guns and sometimes the begin fighting each other at the tables. There are too many men but I want jewelry, clothing and they are sometimes so generous.
My best childhood friend Thea is in PP in medical school
His parents and mine have the same last name, and in Cambodia that makes you like family. When he was young he came to our house and stayed while he went to high school and college. I am four years younger than him. His family is middle class, richer than us.
In PP, Thea spoils me so bad. He takes me out all the time. One time I go to the bathroom in the restaurant and I have a worm from eating too much raw meat. I don’t know what is wrong and I come out of the bathroom and say “Gee, I have something” and he say “Oh, you have a worm” and he brings me medicine and stays with me for 24 hours, follows me around to make sure I am okay. He kisses my forehead, touches my hand.
On one of my visits home, mom tells me that Thea’s parents want him to marry a girl who is in medical school with him. Her parents are very wealthy and they are going to buy their son a house and a car when they marry. I remember that Thea’s father once told me “I don’t care who my son marries so long as he is happy.” But I get a funny feeling.
Thea keepscoming to see me at the restaurant. One night we go out to dinnerx He has a blue vespa and I sit behind him as we drive through the city. “Do you see that house,” he asks. “That is where the girl my parents want me to marry lives. I don’t want to marry her. When you and I get married, we won’t have a big wedding.”
But he never asks and now I am 21 and mom is worried I will get pregnant. She is afraid I am going to do something stupid. I am always telling her “Don’t worry, mom. I am going to get married. You will see.”
A lot of soldiers want to marry me and three of them begin fighting over me. “Go ask my mom,” I tell them. “I will marry the man who goes to see my mother.”
Why I do that? A couple of months later, one of the soldiers, he is important but much older than me, not at all handsome, takes me up on it. He visits my mother. He has been married before and has a son. He is not in the active army. He works in the city.
We marry in my mother’s house. We close the restaurant and have a big party with a security guard outside because we are still very much in danger from the old married soldier who threatened to kidnap me.
I am married to the man who won me in a contest. We move into a small house near my second sister. It is 1973. I sit in this house day after day, waiting for him to come home. Sometimes he doesn’t come for days and days. I get pregnant without planning to.got pregnant without planning. I had only had sex a couple of times.
I spend a lot of time with my sister next door and her kids.
The kidnapping begins. During the night, the Khmer Rouge come. Neighbors just disappear. They are gone in the morning. No one knows. No one says anyting.
Kou: Phnom Phen
Phnom Penh: 1960s, early 1970s
My father has a friend who is a general in the army. He makes arrangements for me to live with his family in Phnom Phen. They are my new aunt and uncle.They have six or seven kids and they are wealthy, they have a sofa and so many cars. I have never seen such a beautiful home, so much luxury.
I am treated like a member of the family. I sleep with the daughter and the baby this is the aunt?>. They give me nice clothes and I eat wonderful meals with them; spicy noodle soups and all kinds of fish, Such wonderful food. I go everywhere with them, to buy food and shop. When I go home to visit my family, I travel in a chauffered car. I never spend the night, we are all too afraid of the soldier.
Nights in Phnom Phen are magic. The family has three sons in high school and every night the older son drives us around the city. The city parks are so full of life, young people like us eating ice cream and hanging out together in the park beside the Mekong.
“Meet my cousin,” they say when friends ask about me. This is just how things are in Cambodia. You can go to live with family or
I live friends. Everyone is so close.
I am a new person in a different world. I have escaped poverty and illness and the small joyless home where there is only struggle and hard work. Illness and meager meals. This is the life that was waiting for me. My spirit chose well, afterall.
My father has a friend who is a general in the army. He makes arrangements for me to live with his family in Phnom Phen. They are my new aunt and uncle.They have six or seven kids and they are wealthy, they have a sofa and so many cars. I have never seen such a beautiful home, so much luxury.
I am treated like a member of the family. I sleep with the daughter and the baby
Nights in Phnom Phen are magic. The family has three sons in high school and every night the older son drives us around the city. The city parks are so full of life, young people like us eating ice cream and hanging out together in the park beside the Mekong.
“Meet my cousin,” they say when friends ask about me. This is just how things are in Cambodia. You can go to live with family or
I live friends. Everyone is so close.
I am a new person in a different world. I have escaped poverty and illness and the small joyless home where there is only struggle and hard work. Illness and meager meals. This is the life that was waiting for me. My spirit chose well, afterall.
Takmou: 1950s
Today important day. Ba take me to get birth certificate so I can go to big children’s school. We stop at noodle stand outside market. Large bowl sizzling noodles shrimp. Big treat for big girl, Ba says. Usually only New Year have noodle soup. So expensive.
Downtown Takmou always crowded, people shopping, bringing fish and ducks and chickens to market in old trucks and carts. Cars and buses cross bridge over Mekong, many pass through Takmou on way to Vietnam.
I daughter number three in family of five girls, one boy. We live in Takmou alongside Highway 2 just outside Phnom Phen. Highway always so busy. bicycles, cars, motos, carts drawn by water buffalo. Big park with lake across highway.
Ba’s brother and family live next door, we in and out each other’s home every day, like no walls. Houses small, concrete, two stories, three walls front to back, room in middle open to sky.
Big family. We all so poor. Live behind Grandmother’s house behind field of lemongrass, Banana, palm and banyan trees. Chickens, cats, children everywhere. Families cook outside. Kids play in small alleys. Buddhist Temple just one house away from our house. Go to school here, study Khmer and Buddhism. Everybody visit Temple when have problem. Bring roast pig, fruit. Ask monk question.
Monk shake sticks and say “pick one.”
Always do what monk says or bad luck.
I no like G. She not very sweet, very strict.
She no like Mae. Always say “She so dumb.” Mae from wealthy Kandal family, own big fish company. Never understand she not like Mae, why she agreed to marriage in first place. Why she travel long journey to ask permission for Ba to marry Mae if she not want her as daughter?
Every three years my parents have another child. But something goes wrong with their last child. Mom is pregnant and one day I notice she not pregnanat any more. The baby die. We never talk about it, even though Mi very sad. Our family very quiet.
I am 10 when her health becomes so bad older sister leave school to take care of the family. Ba is too busy. Everyone thinks an evil spirit has possessed Mae. There shame on family. We do something wrong.
Mi always frightened. See heart beating fast under shirt. Her throat pulses like frog , she no sleep. We think maybe neighbor angry with her cast spell on her. We have to find someone to chase out evil spirit. This becomes my job, traveling with Mae every shaman and healer we find.
Many times healers live far away and Mae leave home for awhile. Older sisters stay home run business. My older brother? He the big man. He only one who continues school and when he home he make decisions for family.
Sometime G come with us to healing. One day Mae sit in chair inside circle, Indian people dance and sing around her. Burn incense very powerful smell, smoke hurt eyes. along. Healer play Cambodian drum. Ghost comes into his body he shake all over with spirit inside him. Dance wild. One day put something black in her mouth. She chew something, open her mouth again, drop some liquid in.
Sometimes she a little better. Every night I give her massage help her sleep.
Healing
The sun traveling up, up towards roof sky when little bus stop at Dram-Ka.
“Staight ahead, three mile,” driver say. “You see vat. Big Buddha statue. Only one arm. Turn there. Follow nose. Incense. Very strong.”
Mae and I stop at very, very old coconut juice stand, Big holes in red canvas roof. Owner asleep on bicyle.
“Uncle, wake up. We need some drink.”
Old man slow getting to feet. His soiled krama wet with sweat. crack lenses in glasses.
He hack off head of two baby green coconuts, slips straw inside each. I pay him rire. We walk. We get energy from cold white juice. Tastes so good.
Mae walk so slow. She not understand where we go.
“Why we here, Pom? Where we going? Want to go home.”
So many times I grab her arm, stop her from turning back.
“Mae, No. We go see doctor. He make you better.”
Mae’s eyes so scared. What she doing out here with little daughter? Her hands shaking so bad.
“It’s okay, Mae. I take care of you. Not too far.”
We walk in mid day heat. dirt path between brave green rice fields. Water buffalo walk so slow. No people look up from their work. No faces, only big straw circle hats. Rice paddies so big, way back to where hazy blue sky touches field.
I wish so bad big sister here. I too little to do this. So frightened to be
boss. Afraid to be with Mae. I try not worry, link arms. Start to hum song to calm her down. So afraid I loose her. What if she just pull away and run? What I do then?
Now we in small forest. Much cooler. Noisey monkeys play high in deep green branches. Many birds talk. Too many crickets. Walk faster, Mae. Walk faster. Maybe big tiger here. Not feel so safe. Mae so scared now, she pull away from me, try to run back.
Grab her arm, pull her with me. She crying now. Crying and screaming. Just walk, Mae. Just walk. You feel much better. You see.
It so hard, almost carrying Mae. Maybe she sick but she still strong. We fall couple times and everytime I rush to feet before her. Pull her up. Big big bump in my throat, heart beat so fast, hard to breath, fear runs through body. How I get her there?
Outside forest few small houses. Three, maybe four young monks sitting outside vat. Sun so hot their bright yellow robes blinding like sun.
Mae wants to sit down outside temple. “We almost there, Mae. Just two minutes.”
We sit next to one-armed Buddha. Two children play Bay Khoum. So long since I play this game. Big board with eight small holes in front, two in back. First child drops beads one by one into eight holes until only six beads left. Then pick up all beads in hole next to empty hole. Pick all beads up. They confused about game. They not know how to play. Start yelling at each other.
I too tired to tell them. It not my place anyway.Tall monk come over to stop fighting. Lead them back into vat.
I urge Mae onto feet again. Overgrown path, sticky berry plants scratch white lines on legs and arms. Families of cats sleep under young cherry blossom trees, huge banana plants. Sandalwood smell incense pull us forward. Small hut. Many ducks and chickens. Dirty white horse. No door. I push aside heavy strings of bandar beads. Look inside.
Altars, everywhere candles, little smoke pods from incense, fruit, flowers. Wrinkled old man wearning loincloth look up.
“Kru khmae? Bad spirit make my mother so sick. You help her?”
Pull fist of coins from pocket. Mae crying so hard she fall on ground. I put coins on huge altar.
Kru Khame stand, walk over to Mae, bend down. Lift her face in wrinkled brown hand. He so gentle. She stop crying like that.
“You wait outside,” he say. “No children here.”
Rain come so strong … white flower from plum tree fall on ground, some in my hair. World smell so pretty. Sit under big banyan tree, still get wet. Not know how many hours Mae inside. When she finally come out she look very calm. I take her hand and we walk across little white flowers layer ground like snowflakes. Rain stop, big clouds separate. Sky dark blue just before nightfall.
***
Now i 16 and Maenot better. Nurse soldier visit our house few days week give her medication.
He a lot older than me but soon he start coming to see me every night. So romantic. We whisper to each other in dark, he stand below my window. I don’t know if anyone hear us. We no care. One night we meet secretly outside house, hold hands and kiss and talk. He want to marry me. I know he married with a couple kids, but he tell me he not love his wife. I so young. I believe him. So exciting, being in love, having someone so handsome love me.
Nothing free in this life. One day his wife and kids comestay with him – he live only few houses away from us – and I think "I cannot do this anymore." I tell Mi he say he want to marry me.
"Why you want to marry married man?” she ask. I say not know,maybe love him.
Then soldier send someone to ask my mom if he can marry me and my mom say “No, you already married.” Even though okay in Cambodia for man to have old and young wife, Mae not want this for me. He warn them they not give me to him he going to come and kidnap me.
My parents so afraid. Make arrangements to send me to live in Phnom Phen with family Ba knows. I only 17 and Mae has to send me away.
Oh my poor mom, she never have fun. Mother in law hate her. She has lot of kids and and then she is sick. Now I leaving her.
Doctor Friend In Phnom Phen
His parents and mine have the same last name, and in Cambodia that makes you like family. When he was young he came to our house and stayed while he went to high school and college. I am four years younger than him. His family is middle class, richer than us.
Chapter 3
Takmou: 1967
• The majority of the Khmer live in rural villages either as rice farmers or fishermen and life revolves around the vat (temple) and the various Buddhist ceremonies throughout the year. However, if a Khmer becomes ill, they will frequently see a kru khmae (shaman/healer) whom they believe can diagnose which of the many spirits (neak ta) has caused the illness and recommend a course of action to propitiate the offended spirit, thereby curing the illness.
Rubbing is usually in the same areas as pinching and involves firmly rubbing of lubricated skin with a spoon or a coin in order to bring toxic "air" to the body surface. In the hot-cold theory, illness is caused by an alteration in
Unmistakable emotional disturbance is usually attributed to possession by malicious spirits; to bad karma accumulated by misdeeds in past lives; or to the bad luck of familial inheritance. Partially due to its attribution to immoral causes, mental illness is commonly denied and feared. The disturbed individuals are protected by their family and if outsiders become aware of the mental illness, great shame is brought to the family.
Downtown Takmou always crowded, people shopping, bringing fish and ducks and chickens to market in old trucks and carts. Cars and buses cross bridge over Mekong, many pass through Takmou on way to Vietnam.
I daughter number three in family of five girls, one boy. We live in Takmou alongside Highway 2 just outside Phnom Phen. Highway always so busy. bicycles, cars, motos, carts drawn by water buffalo. Big park with lake across highway.
Ba’s brother and family live next door, we in and out each other’s home every day, like no walls. Houses small, concrete, two stories, three walls front to back, room in middle open to sky.
Big family. We all so poor. Live behind Grandmother’s house behind field of lemongrass, Banana, palm and banyan trees. Chickens, cats, children everywhere. Families cook outside. Kids play in small alleys. Buddhist Temple just one house away from our house. Go to school here, study Khmer and Buddhism. Everybody visit Temple when have problem. Bring roast pig, fruit. Ask monk question.
Monk shake sticks and say “pick one.”
Always do what monk says or bad luck.
I no like G. She not very sweet, very strict.
She no like Mae. Always say “She so dumb.” Mae from wealthy Kandal family, own big fish company. Never understand she not like Mae, why she agreed to marriage in first place. Why she travel long journey to ask permission for Ba to marry Mae if she not want her as daughter?
Every three years my parents have another child. But something goes wrong with their last child. Mom is pregnant and one day I notice she not pregnanat any more. The baby die. We never talk about it, even though Mi very sad. Our family very quiet.
I am 10 when her health becomes so bad older sister leave school to take care of the family. Ba is too busy. Everyone thinks an evil spirit has possessed Mae. There shame on family. We do something wrong.
Mi always frightened. See heart beating fast under shirt. Her throat pulses like frog , she no sleep. We think maybe neighbor angry with her cast spell on her. We have to find someone to chase out evil spirit. This becomes my job, traveling with Mae every shaman and healer we find.
Many times healers live far away and Mae leave home for awhile. Older sisters stay home run business. My older brother? He the big man. He only one who continues school and when he home he make decisions for family.
Sometime G come with us to healing. One day Mae sit in chair inside circle, Indian people dance and sing around her. Burn incense very powerful smell, smoke hurt eyes. along. Healer play Cambodian drum. Ghost comes into his body he shake all over with spirit inside him. Dance wild. One day put something black in her mouth. She chew something, open her mouth again, drop some liquid in.
Sometimes she a little better. Every night I give her massage help her sleep.
Healing
The sun traveling up, up towards roof sky when little bus stop at Dram-Ka.
“Staight ahead, three mile,” driver say. “You see vat. Big Buddha statue. Only one arm. Turn there. Follow nose. Incense. Very strong.”
Mae and I stop at very, very old coconut juice stand, Big holes in red canvas roof. Owner asleep on bicyle.
“Uncle, wake up. We need some drink.”
Old man slow getting to feet. His soiled krama wet with sweat. crack lenses in glasses.
He hack off head of two baby green coconuts, slips straw inside each. I pay him rire. We walk. We get energy from cold white juice. Tastes so good.
Mae walk so slow. She not understand where we go.
“Why we here, Pom? Where we going? Want to go home.”
So many times I grab her arm, stop her from turning back.
“Mae, No. We go see doctor. He make you better.”
Mae’s eyes so scared. What she doing out here with little daughter? Her hands shaking so bad.
“It’s okay, Mae. I take care of you. Not too far.”
We walk in mid day heat. dirt path between brave green rice fields. Water buffalo walk so slow. No people look up from their work. No faces, only big straw circle hats. Rice paddies so big, way back to where hazy blue sky touches field.
I wish so bad big sister here. I too little to do this. So frightened to be
boss. Afraid to be with Mae. I try not worry, link arms. Start to hum song to calm her down. So afraid I loose her. What if she just pull away and run? What I do then?
Now we in small forest. Much cooler. Noisey monkeys play high in deep green branches. Many birds talk. Too many crickets. Walk faster, Mae. Walk faster. Maybe big tiger here. Not feel so safe. Mae so scared now, she pull away from me, try to run back.
Grab her arm, pull her with me. She crying now. Crying and screaming. Just walk, Mae. Just walk. You feel much better. You see.
It so hard, almost carrying Mae. Maybe she sick but she still strong. We fall couple times and everytime I rush to feet before her. Pull her up. Big big bump in my throat, heart beat so fast, hard to breath, fear runs through body. How I get her there?
Outside forest few small houses. Three, maybe four young monks sitting outside vat. Sun so hot their bright yellow robes blinding like sun.
Mae wants to sit down outside temple. “We almost there, Mae. Just two minutes.”
We sit next to one-armed Buddha. Two children play Bay Khoum. So long since I play this game. Big board with eight small holes in front, two in back. First child drops beads one by one into eight holes until only six beads left. Then pick up all beads in hole next to empty hole. Pick all beads up. They confused about game. They not know how to play. Start yelling at each other.
I too tired to tell them. It not my place anyway.Tall monk come over to stop fighting. Lead them back into vat.
I urge Mae onto feet again. Overgrown path, sticky berry plants scratch white lines on legs and arms. Families of cats sleep under young cherry blossom trees, huge banana plants. Sandalwood smell incense pull us forward. Small hut. Many ducks and chickens. Dirty white horse. No door. I push aside heavy strings of bandar beads. Look inside.
Altars, everywhere candles, little smoke pods from incense, fruit, flowers. Wrinkled old man wearning loincloth look up.
“Kru khmae? Bad spirit make my mother so sick. You help her?”
Pull fist of coins from pocket. Mae crying so hard she fall on ground. I put coins on huge altar.
Kru Khame stand, walk over to Mae, bend down. Lift her face in wrinkled brown hand. He so gentle. She stop crying like that.
“You wait outside,” he say. “No children here.”
Rain come so strong … white flower from plum tree fall on ground, some in my hair. World smell so pretty. Sit under big banyan tree, still get wet. Not know how many hours Mae inside. When she finally come out she look very calm. I take her hand and we walk across little white flowers layer ground like snowflakes. Rain stop, big clouds separate. Sky dark blue just before nightfall.
***
Now i 16 and Maenot better. Nurse soldier visit our house few days week give her medication.
He a lot older than me but soon he start coming to see me every night. So romantic. We whisper to each other in dark, he stand below my window. I don’t know if anyone hear us. We no care. One night we meet secretly outside house, hold hands and kiss and talk. He want to marry me. I know he married with a couple kids, but he tell me he not love his wife. I so young. I believe him. So exciting, being in love, having someone so handsome love me.
Nothing free in this life. One day his wife and kids comestay with him – he live only few houses away from us – and I think "I cannot do this anymore." I tell Mi he say he want to marry me.
"Why you want to marry married man?” she ask. I say not know,maybe love him.
Then soldier send someone to ask my mom if he can marry me and my mom say “No, you already married.” Even though okay in Cambodia for man to have old and young wife, Mae not want this for me. He warn them they not give me to him he going to come and kidnap me.
My parents so afraid. Make arrangements to send me to live in Phnom Phen with family Ba knows. I only 17 and Mae has to send me away.
Oh my poor mom, she never have fun. Mother in law hate her. She has lot of kids and and then she is sick. Now I leaving her.
Doctor Friend In Phnom Phen
His parents and mine have the same last name, and in Cambodia that makes you like family. When he was young he came to our house and stayed while he went to high school and college. I am four years younger than him. His family is middle class, richer than us.
Chapter 3
Takmou: 1967
• The majority of the Khmer live in rural villages either as rice farmers or fishermen and life revolves around the vat (temple) and the various Buddhist ceremonies throughout the year. However, if a Khmer becomes ill, they will frequently see a kru khmae (shaman/healer) whom they believe can diagnose which of the many spirits (neak ta) has caused the illness and recommend a course of action to propitiate the offended spirit, thereby curing the illness.
Rubbing is usually in the same areas as pinching and involves firmly rubbing of lubricated skin with a spoon or a coin in order to bring toxic "air" to the body surface. In the hot-cold theory, illness is caused by an alteration in
Unmistakable emotional disturbance is usually attributed to possession by malicious spirits; to bad karma accumulated by misdeeds in past lives; or to the bad luck of familial inheritance. Partially due to its attribution to immoral causes, mental illness is commonly denied and feared. The disturbed individuals are protected by their family and if outsiders become aware of the mental illness, great shame is brought to the family.
Kou: Takmau, 1957
Takmau, Cambodia: 1957
Spirit is everything in Cambodia. Our parents tell us that on the day we are born, our spirit is flying above, summoned to land in that split second of time when our body slips into this world. They choose us; they are our first taste of the air.
We are sewing mosquito nets in the cool outdoor corridor in the middle of our two-story house. I smell magnolias and drying fish.
We are so poor. Pa rides his bike to work in the fields, a few hours journey each way. Sometimes he disappears for days at a time. There is never enough food, and when we are not at school we are working for Mae, endlessly stitching new nets to sell in the local market or in Phnom Phen. We are always waiting for holiday, once a year noodle soup and two new sets of clothes
I am maybe five or six. Already, I am angry at my spirit.
“Why you have to stop here, why this poor family?” I ask. “Why you do this to me? If you had flown a little slower, you would have landed just next door. Look how many things you would have had -- a TV, a car, lots of food.”
Then I look out in the other direction.
“Why you not fly a little slower? Even on the other side, still things would have been a little better. Why you have to land here?”
The sun is setting over the Mekong, the evening chills. The cicadas chat with birds, a dog howls. I can hear my stomach clenching with hunger, so empty it is hard to pay attention to my stitching. The babies begin to cry and Big Brother tries to distract them. Our well-seasoned ears easily weed out the sound of Ba’s bike as he turns into the alley beside our home. Now we can eat.
Everyone loves Ba. He is an artist. “Oh, your father, he so wise,” they say. Our neighbors and everyone in our family come to him for advice. He knows everything. And oh, how he loves to tell stories about Grandpa’s life in China. These are my favorite times. After dinner, I am so tired, still hungry, our sewing is folded away, the babies sleep. Only the crickets chatter as Ba begins to talk. Akmow, our black lab, curls at his feet.
Ba enchants me with bigger-than-life, true fairytales, so rich and humming with life that time and space disappear.
I am no longer just one little girl in a large poor Cambodian family. I am traveling inside Ba’s memories. I am in China, crouching outside a school with other hushed children, secretly listening to lessons only meant for rich young ears. I am dancing in the dark swollen fields, chasing down fireflies, capturing hundreds in a clear glass jar. I poke holes in the lids and read Scherazade by the light of my firefly lantern. My night sky is too rich with stars and moonlight. I sleep.
My eyes snap open as Ba settles me down in the long bamboo bed with my sisters.
“It’s okay. You were dreaming,” he whispers. I stare for a moment into his deep black eyes. I sigh and turn away into sleep. We, four sisters, side by side every night, tiny sardines packed tight in a poreless tin can. So safe.
Spirit is everything in Cambodia. Our parents tell us that on the day we are born, our spirit is flying above, summoned to land in that split second of time when our body slips into this world. They choose us; they are our first taste of the air.
We are sewing mosquito nets in the cool outdoor corridor in the middle of our two-story house. I smell magnolias and drying fish.
We are so poor. Pa rides his bike to work in the fields, a few hours journey each way. Sometimes he disappears for days at a time. There is never enough food, and when we are not at school we are working for Mae, endlessly stitching new nets to sell in the local market or in Phnom Phen. We are always waiting for holiday, once a year noodle soup and two new sets of clothes
I am maybe five or six. Already, I am angry at my spirit.
“Why you have to stop here, why this poor family?” I ask. “Why you do this to me? If you had flown a little slower, you would have landed just next door. Look how many things you would have had -- a TV, a car, lots of food.”
Then I look out in the other direction.
“Why you not fly a little slower? Even on the other side, still things would have been a little better. Why you have to land here?”
The sun is setting over the Mekong, the evening chills. The cicadas chat with birds, a dog howls. I can hear my stomach clenching with hunger, so empty it is hard to pay attention to my stitching. The babies begin to cry and Big Brother tries to distract them. Our well-seasoned ears easily weed out the sound of Ba’s bike as he turns into the alley beside our home. Now we can eat.
Everyone loves Ba. He is an artist. “Oh, your father, he so wise,” they say. Our neighbors and everyone in our family come to him for advice. He knows everything. And oh, how he loves to tell stories about Grandpa’s life in China. These are my favorite times. After dinner, I am so tired, still hungry, our sewing is folded away, the babies sleep. Only the crickets chatter as Ba begins to talk. Akmow, our black lab, curls at his feet.
Ba enchants me with bigger-than-life, true fairytales, so rich and humming with life that time and space disappear.
I am no longer just one little girl in a large poor Cambodian family. I am traveling inside Ba’s memories. I am in China, crouching outside a school with other hushed children, secretly listening to lessons only meant for rich young ears. I am dancing in the dark swollen fields, chasing down fireflies, capturing hundreds in a clear glass jar. I poke holes in the lids and read Scherazade by the light of my firefly lantern. My night sky is too rich with stars and moonlight. I sleep.
My eyes snap open as Ba settles me down in the long bamboo bed with my sisters.
“It’s okay. You were dreaming,” he whispers. I stare for a moment into his deep black eyes. I sigh and turn away into sleep. We, four sisters, side by side every night, tiny sardines packed tight in a poreless tin can. So safe.
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