Every day the same. I am maid. I go to lake, carry back water. My knees still not better. I cannot bend down and come up. I take one pot at a time. Carry on my shoulder. Back and forth two or three times. Then Fix food. After she eat, sleep.
I have no place to go. I know she not want me anymore.
One day I am carrying water. Just so tired. I hear a someone call out my name.
“Bong!”
I turn and see young man hurry toward me. “Remember me, Bong? Remember me? From Phnom Phen?”
It my aunt’s son Sealion, the boy who once drove around the city with us in a fancy car, eating ice cream by the lake.
Oh, I start to cry. Finding family. They like my family.
We both so happy to find each other.
“Come with me, I take you to meet my mom.” He grab my pot of water and we walk together. My aunt live just behind temple. When I walk in she cry so hard. We all cry.
“Where your family? “She ask.
I tell her about Mae and Ba, about my two children. About my sisters’ children. About camp. She lost 3 of her seven children.
I tell her about where I am living in the temple, about how I am working for this woman. Trying to find a place to stay.
That all over now, she tell me. You come to live with me now. You come and you be like an older sister to Siphal.
Oh my life so happy. Aunt has a lot of gold. I take care of them, cook, watch Siphal.
Country full of Vietnamese army. We see them everywhere, when we go to the wells to clean our clothes, when we shop in markets for food and clothes. Siphal 18 now. Her skin so white soldiers love her skin. Soldiers always staring at her. I have to protect her, be body guard.
We in Battambang few months when Sea Lion tells about camp near border of Thailand. He say maybe if you lucky you get to leave and go to United States. Every day more news. Aunt decides we leave for Sisophan near the border. She rent a horse with a wagon for three of us. Horse so wild knock me out of wagon into mud.
Sea Lion already there.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Sisophan: Departure
J and I return from shoping Sea Lion sitting beside Aunt. He so excited. He going to join small group of people travel to refugee camp on Thailand border. Many people going to buy supplies, bring back to families here. He leave today.
Aunt very nervous. Word comes from two of Sea Lion’s friends that he safe, journey not so dangerous.
Now my turn, Aunt say. She want me to travel to refugee camp where Sea Lion waits, buy big bag of rice and carry it home for us. She tie a sliver of gold in small sac give it to me.
Leave early in the morning and walk across ponds. Sea Lion’s friends so fast. Ponds so deep they take off pants to get across. Water up to my chest.
I already so tired. We walk into jungle. Sea Lion’s friends too fast for me. They leave me behind. A lot of people escape now, they walk past me to and from the camp, some carry groceries back to Sisophan to trade.
Later day group of men sit near me. I move closer but they do not want to talk to me. They share little bit rice with me. Group come by heading to Battambang.
“Be careful,” they say. You have to run so fast. The Vietnamese shoot at you."
***
I stand and look down at her. She so brave. She hurt trying to take care of family.
“I loose my family. My daughter, my son. Mae and Ba. You so lucky. Not alone.”
I do not think she hear me anymore. She lay down, close her eyes
"You stay on path with others.Jungle full of mines. Still long way to go.”
I walk until sunset, still in jungle. Not think I ever get there.
“Oh my god, why don’t you push me a little bit harder? I cannot walk. My eyes not see so good anymore”
What that? I stop to listen. Music, music from a radio. Not too far..
So happy. Don’t know where energy come from. Jungle behind me. Land clear, no longer so dark. I walk so fast, trip over my feet. Finally, camp in front of me. People everywhere. Even hear laughter. I walk down aisle after aisle of people, little sqres of families. Looking for Sea Lion.
So dark now. Finally, I find him. He hug me, happy to see me.
“Why it take you so long” “
He take me to section of camp where he has bedding. “You rest here, I get some food for us.”
All around me people talk, babies cry. I not used to so much noise. I smell food cooking. But I so tired. I lie down on Sea Lion’s mat.close my eyes. When I open them again, sun is high in sky. Bowl of rice and vegetables. Large bucket of water and cup. I look around. What is this new world? All these people? Like me? Still alive. I try to sit up but too weak. My legs on fire. I lie there and reach out for vegetables. Too weak to eat, Just close eyes again. Safe for now.
Aunt very nervous. Word comes from two of Sea Lion’s friends that he safe, journey not so dangerous.
Now my turn, Aunt say. She want me to travel to refugee camp where Sea Lion waits, buy big bag of rice and carry it home for us. She tie a sliver of gold in small sac give it to me.
Leave early in the morning and walk across ponds. Sea Lion’s friends so fast. Ponds so deep they take off pants to get across. Water up to my chest.
I already so tired. We walk into jungle. Sea Lion’s friends too fast for me. They leave me behind. A lot of people escape now, they walk past me to and from the camp, some carry groceries back to Sisophan to trade.
Later day group of men sit near me. I move closer but they do not want to talk to me. They share little bit rice with me. Group come by heading to Battambang.
“Be careful,” they say. You have to run so fast. The Vietnamese shoot at you."
***
I stand and look down at her. She so brave. She hurt trying to take care of family.
“I loose my family. My daughter, my son. Mae and Ba. You so lucky. Not alone.”
I do not think she hear me anymore. She lay down, close her eyes
"You stay on path with others.Jungle full of mines. Still long way to go.”
I walk until sunset, still in jungle. Not think I ever get there.
“Oh my god, why don’t you push me a little bit harder? I cannot walk. My eyes not see so good anymore”
What that? I stop to listen. Music, music from a radio. Not too far..
So happy. Don’t know where energy come from. Jungle behind me. Land clear, no longer so dark. I walk so fast, trip over my feet. Finally, camp in front of me. People everywhere. Even hear laughter. I walk down aisle after aisle of people, little sqres of families. Looking for Sea Lion.
So dark now. Finally, I find him. He hug me, happy to see me.
“Why it take you so long” “
He take me to section of camp where he has bedding. “You rest here, I get some food for us.”
All around me people talk, babies cry. I not used to so much noise. I smell food cooking. But I so tired. I lie down on Sea Lion’s mat.close my eyes. When I open them again, sun is high in sky. Bowl of rice and vegetables. Large bucket of water and cup. I look around. What is this new world? All these people? Like me? Still alive. I try to sit up but too weak. My legs on fire. I lie there and reach out for vegetables. Too weak to eat, Just close eyes again. Safe for now.
Escape
Sealion takes me to small camp plastic tarps. He sleep in hammock, I sleep on ground on small towell. It very warm. I hear many people, Khmer Rouge run camp. Rape, rob, kill.
One day at night we hear guns. What happen? It not safe. Some time they fighting, they shooting. That night I heard the fighting. I run with people. Run run run army shooting. Charmunchun and charumthi
Run across the small river, chest high, lose shoe, run barefeet. Run so fast bullets pass me like fire. Don’t know where to go.
Oh my life, why I have to do this every time. Running running running don’t know where to go just running. When you scared you don’t know you hurt your feet. We run across rice fields. So many bullets. Duck, run through them.
I remember fortune teller tell me stranger take care of me. When danger come, when I live in camp, they don’t shoot look like you are in a war zone. You don’t curse when something dangerous come to your life. You don’t curse, don’t say bad things about other people. Don’t think bad things about them. Oh my mother, my father who die praying to your parents to whomever to take care of you.
We are hiding for each other. Poor me no one yell for me. I just come back with people with no shoes, clothing all dirty. I come to place where we sleep. Sealion say oh I am glad you are okay. Where were you? I ran too. We just sit there, look at each other and laugh. Oh my god you cannot live like this….
Tell sealion I come to buy rice and go back home…. Small little piece gold. I get at least 25 lbs of rice. Third day I have to carry rice back to Sisophan That rice so heavy I have to get up so early to carry because when I walk here I walk with no rice, can hardly make it without. He should take the rice there. Got rice on head get outside camp not quarter mile, Cannot walk, it too heavy. I put down rice under big tree. I sit down think. Pass big tree you in jungle. should I get in jungle or go back?Aunt will get mad at me.
Later see somebody walk out from jungle. Some people somebody I know and then I see my aunt and daughter. They come see me sit with bag of rice.
"Bong, bong. We here. You don’t have to carry rice bag."
I born again. So many time life come back to me.
Take rice back camp, we stay together.
One day at night we hear guns. What happen? It not safe. Some time they fighting, they shooting. That night I heard the fighting. I run with people. Run run run army shooting. Charmunchun and charumthi
Run across the small river, chest high, lose shoe, run barefeet. Run so fast bullets pass me like fire. Don’t know where to go.
Oh my life, why I have to do this every time. Running running running don’t know where to go just running. When you scared you don’t know you hurt your feet. We run across rice fields. So many bullets. Duck, run through them.
I remember fortune teller tell me stranger take care of me. When danger come, when I live in camp, they don’t shoot look like you are in a war zone. You don’t curse when something dangerous come to your life. You don’t curse, don’t say bad things about other people. Don’t think bad things about them. Oh my mother, my father who die praying to your parents to whomever to take care of you.
We are hiding for each other. Poor me no one yell for me. I just come back with people with no shoes, clothing all dirty. I come to place where we sleep. Sealion say oh I am glad you are okay. Where were you? I ran too. We just sit there, look at each other and laugh. Oh my god you cannot live like this….
Tell sealion I come to buy rice and go back home…. Small little piece gold. I get at least 25 lbs of rice. Third day I have to carry rice back to Sisophan That rice so heavy I have to get up so early to carry because when I walk here I walk with no rice, can hardly make it without. He should take the rice there. Got rice on head get outside camp not quarter mile, Cannot walk, it too heavy. I put down rice under big tree. I sit down think. Pass big tree you in jungle. should I get in jungle or go back?Aunt will get mad at me.
Later see somebody walk out from jungle. Some people somebody I know and then I see my aunt and daughter. They come see me sit with bag of rice.
"Bong, bong. We here. You don’t have to carry rice bag."
I born again. So many time life come back to me.
Take rice back camp, we stay together.
The Camps
My brother tell me he going to take me to France. Told my brother my aunt and Billy sponsor me too. He tell me be sure. Don’t worry, I say. If you take me first I go. If US call me first I go. No matter. I don’t want to leave. Happy here.
Why I want to leave now? Now I meet doctor who come to take care of sick kids. We fall in love. He sometimes spend a night or two in camp sometimes he come to bangkok. A lot of people know about us; after my aunt left we were together for a couple of months.
And then sister come to US she send me a letter and say your life is going to change after you come to San Francisco.
I don’t want to leave, I have boyfriend. Everyday mailman and other little boys. “Oh I am going to look for your name when you have interview.” “Don’t bother I don’t want to come to US. I don’t want to eat bread all day long.Not like American, Eureopean food.”
Then one day mailman come, say I see you name on list. don’t tell me that you scare me. I saw my name to interview, find out what day to come to US. I got so sad. I tell dr.
“You go first I go to find you,” he say.
Are you sure?
“Yes, very soon I am going to go to the US too.”
Name, birthday sponsor. I cry a lot, he come to bus with me. He was so nice to me.
“I am going to find you, you don’t worry about anything,” he say.
The bus pulls away.
Posted by boatsie at 2:49 PM 0 comments
Kua: 2nd camp notes
take you to Chumburry, 2nd camp and he came to see me one time A couple of weeks. I crazy in love with him. And then a week later I come another camp and then come to Phillipiens for a couple of months.
Sister in law meet in cowidan, lst camp. Come together in Chumburry 2nd camp I with her she knew she go to australia I knew I go to US. You write to me and then I write to you. Lme and her and my brother get so close they exchange letter in chyumburry camp and she keep secret…
One night in bangkok. They take me to philllipines to learn english, iwas by myself, AirPhillipine, I throw up all day long in there. After that the bus come and take to camp again. I think I am going to die. P mountain road. Im dyhing, im dying. They don’t know me,
Got to camp at night time. Share room one family one room. Downstairs I share with them for 3-4 months. They nice to me. Nobody take care of nobody. Collect food from red cross again. I go to school to learn english dime quarter hamburgher hotdog, go to toilet.
Why I want to leave now? Now I meet doctor who come to take care of sick kids. We fall in love. He sometimes spend a night or two in camp sometimes he come to bangkok. A lot of people know about us; after my aunt left we were together for a couple of months.
And then sister come to US she send me a letter and say your life is going to change after you come to San Francisco.
I don’t want to leave, I have boyfriend. Everyday mailman and other little boys. “Oh I am going to look for your name when you have interview.” “Don’t bother I don’t want to come to US. I don’t want to eat bread all day long.Not like American, Eureopean food.”
Then one day mailman come, say I see you name on list. don’t tell me that you scare me. I saw my name to interview, find out what day to come to US. I got so sad. I tell dr.
“You go first I go to find you,” he say.
Are you sure?
“Yes, very soon I am going to go to the US too.”
Name, birthday sponsor. I cry a lot, he come to bus with me. He was so nice to me.
“I am going to find you, you don’t worry about anything,” he say.
The bus pulls away.
Posted by boatsie at 2:49 PM 0 comments
Kua: 2nd camp notes
take you to Chumburry, 2nd camp and he came to see me one time A couple of weeks. I crazy in love with him. And then a week later I come another camp and then come to Phillipiens for a couple of months.
Sister in law meet in cowidan, lst camp. Come together in Chumburry 2nd camp I with her she knew she go to australia I knew I go to US. You write to me and then I write to you. Lme and her and my brother get so close they exchange letter in chyumburry camp and she keep secret…
One night in bangkok. They take me to philllipines to learn english, iwas by myself, AirPhillipine, I throw up all day long in there. After that the bus come and take to camp again. I think I am going to die. P mountain road. Im dyhing, im dying. They don’t know me,
Got to camp at night time. Share room one family one room. Downstairs I share with them for 3-4 months. They nice to me. Nobody take care of nobody. Collect food from red cross again. I go to school to learn english dime quarter hamburgher hotdog, go to toilet.
The Camps: 1979-1981
I work in orphanage camp, take care of thirty kids. Heaven . still miss my kids but not so bad because so many die.
first they give me baby and I know boy we grew up together he escape. Hoot. 10-15 years younger than you, neighbor kids…. I wish I go there.
After the war he went back home, his father sends money to people to bring him to the camp.
Hoot lives with me in orphanage. Every day he go to Red Cross bulletin board look for news from families. One time he brings letter to me. “I find your brother,” he says. Hoot knows brother too, Grew up together.
It feel so good, I want to find my brother in thailand. Father in Church whatever you want to find you send a letter. Catholic. They delivered the letter to the red cross. I sent him a letter. I am alive and he was so happy and he mail me money from french church to live on.
I eat a lot now. Gain waight. Get my teeth fixed.
Live there and they pay me one can a day as salary. Eat there, sleep there. Sardines 30 kids. 5-15.. 3 meals for them. We play sports, exercising at night we play build big red cross.
Chumrumcha- 1st camp.
Chum rum tmi 2nd camp tmi means new
Lst camp.
When my aunt come
Every day feel so good because we go shopping she havde a lot of gold and diamonds, daughter and me go buy food, go to border of thialand to buy stuff. By that time things are so cheap, just a little bit money. We have money to spend now. People speak the same language. Thai and Khmer. We eat almost the same food too.
We stay there one month. The Cowidan camp is open. The UN Red Cross start camps and thousands of thousands each day. It is like a town, we know a little people, but still I take care of my aunt’s family.
My aunt make a friend with some of the tahi people on border and at ngiiht we h ear the gun a lot but it is not that bad. My aunt is about 60 every night she not sleep with us in camp. She go there to sleep. A friends house. She felt safer. She has money and she want her daughter and son to US and she have money to p ay and then onetime I went to see her she say they take about a couple thousand bucks to take kids to camp; you I love you but I don’t have money to pay for you.
“It’s okay, it fine.” I find new family to be with. That day the daughter and son didn’t come home and that day I knew it was something but by that time I live with 2 familiy her neice and nephew real. We live together. And then that day … one of the neighbors told me.
“Hey, you don’t want to go with them.?”
‘ Go where? ‘
“ they have the bus come to the temple in thailand. If you go there they take you to the camp.”
“I don’t have money I cant go.”
“ You don’t need money because the bus come pick you up and you go.”
My neice and nephew. They say don’t go. Leave with me b ecause I am not going b ecause they don’t like my aunts son because he told them you need money. They doh’t believe man. No, I want to go find my brother.
We make a business here…. My neighbor say ok you go you have tgo run in gthe morning… it is not only myself I carry the rice cooker, plate, in a bag and run. Shooting. This belongs to my aunt. I give this to her if she in camp.
Next morning I take rice cooker aunt leave behind and run from camp with a lot of men. We cross the border. I with the man who took me to the temple. See lots of busses and then I see aunt’s face in window of one of the busses.
“Bong, come come come, aunt waves to me to hurry but Sealion shaking head no, wave me back.
“Why you here?” he ask. “Go back, Mi no money pay for you. Go back.”
Bus driver yells for me to get on. I walk to family.
“I don’t want to come to stay with you,” I say. “I want to find my brother.”
The driver says come come I don’t want to come to stay with you I want to find my brother.
My sister love me. I come with
My aunt neice and nephew don’t want to come you don’t come becausde my mom don’t want to support you. They wenht back to cambodia. I saw them last year one of them is so so poor.
“Come with me I heard it free. The bus take you to the camp you don’t have to live with them”.
“No no you live w/me when I find my brother. He support you.”
I sit next to daughter for the bus ride, a coule hour. There is a line of busses making the trip.
The camp is open three days already. When bus stops together again with many old friends. So many people we know before already here.
Sealion not talk to me when we get off bus. But daughter and I we not care because she love me.
Group leader ask, “How many in your family” and daughter says “We have four.” Group leader tell us to build own place to sleep, shows us where to go.
Sister and me go through jungle and cut bamboo. Sealion he do nothing.
Every ten families has one group leader. Main thing still rice. Every day Red Cross deliver fresh water, canned foods, some vegetables, fish, somemeat. Families build own fires to cook meals. Lots of stones around. Find firewood and
Me and the sister we go through the jungle cut same bamboo pick
Sealion just sleep hammock but aunt and sister very happy we together again. Everything okay for a couple months until sister tell me Sealion not want me to live with them anymore. I have to move somewhere else.
I find work with CARE. I help them giving out fresh water. Daytime I gone but still have to go back to sleep with Sealion and family. I help them a lot with water. Every night I tell sister to come and get fresh water. She is the one who is carrying the water. He smoking. Lot of friends.
CARE pay my salary with canned food. Every afternoon I eat at CARE but more and more the sister say “I don’t know what to do for you because my brother don’t want you to stay here anymore.”
Then I hear they open orphanage. go to orphanage office. I have experience. I can take care of a lot of things. Whatever you want me to do I do it. They say its okay because they have a small baby. I have to live here too. Okay you can live here too. I born again.
Okay, I got a job, I don’t have to come home now. You need water, shower, you come to find me. By that time I am very lucky. I have job, food, water, place to sleep.
Sealion start coming to see me and I feed him. He start liking me again. One time my aunt have a grand nephew who I take care of in orphanage, always come to see aunt. He call me aunty.” Hey aunty, grandma want to see you.” He like a mailman.
“Why she want to see me? “
So I went there, a cople of blocks and when I get into the house I saw a man who is so handsome and he come to hug me. It is Billy. He came from America to find his mom. Billy, oh my god, you are alive. Oh wow, he look like a god.
Billy tell me he has money to sponsor me to go to USA. He give money now to his mom and sister. Come later with money for me.
“I am going to sponsor you,” he says. “You are my cousin.” Whatever. I think my life so much better now. Everything I need right here. Why I need to go anywhere else?
Aunt’sHer husband was killed by KR.
Sister come to orphanage every ngiht, carry water home, she work hard and me I don’t carry the water but I don’t want to get caught. When w ein camp she always come to see me. One day again the mailman come again and auntie, grndma want to see you again. You in trouble.
When I went there she got so mad at me. Start yelling at me.
“ I raise you so many year, I give you so much to eat. Someone be nice to you and you throw it away. You breaking the house. Cause trouble. Like someone be nice you supposed to be nice back.”
“I don’t understand. I very grateful. I never forget until I die. I love you, respect you, more than my mom. Just tell me what did I do.”
“Look at these letters my son send to you. Billy. You know he married.”
“Look at this. He say you are family. When we live in KR they don’t call girlfriend, wife, we call “
Aunt thought word meant girlfriend, she thought he was telling them he was going to marry me because he sponsor me like his family and my aunt say that family means wife, girlfriend. Because long long time when I was young her husband want Billy to marry me when he was little and then when he come to US he so far away. Between him and me he look like heaven and earth. He live in US, I live in a camp. He look like movies star. You misunderstood him. Billy still sponsor me and he don’t want to upset his mom and I swear to my aunt you don’t worry I’m not going to love him, not going to mary him. He married alredy. I not going to break up his family. Don’t worry about that … I am not going to do something like that…. Look at me….. he hugged me , a european way run and come hug me
Since then she still talk to me but not so friendly anymorel I am nothing, auntie. I don’t know that I come to the US. I don’t dream to come to US. You want to go because you real mom. I am just like cousin.
Three months later aunt and Sealion and sister leave camp to fly to US. They going to San Francisco. I come to the bus and I just cry. I am not going tyo see them again.
first they give me baby and I know boy we grew up together he escape. Hoot. 10-15 years younger than you, neighbor kids…. I wish I go there.
After the war he went back home, his father sends money to people to bring him to the camp.
Hoot lives with me in orphanage. Every day he go to Red Cross bulletin board look for news from families. One time he brings letter to me. “I find your brother,” he says. Hoot knows brother too, Grew up together.
It feel so good, I want to find my brother in thailand. Father in Church whatever you want to find you send a letter. Catholic. They delivered the letter to the red cross. I sent him a letter. I am alive and he was so happy and he mail me money from french church to live on.
I eat a lot now. Gain waight. Get my teeth fixed.
Live there and they pay me one can a day as salary. Eat there, sleep there. Sardines 30 kids. 5-15.. 3 meals for them. We play sports, exercising at night we play build big red cross.
Chumrumcha- 1st camp.
Chum rum tmi 2nd camp tmi means new
Lst camp.
When my aunt come
Every day feel so good because we go shopping she havde a lot of gold and diamonds, daughter and me go buy food, go to border of thialand to buy stuff. By that time things are so cheap, just a little bit money. We have money to spend now. People speak the same language. Thai and Khmer. We eat almost the same food too.
We stay there one month. The Cowidan camp is open. The UN Red Cross start camps and thousands of thousands each day. It is like a town, we know a little people, but still I take care of my aunt’s family.
My aunt make a friend with some of the tahi people on border and at ngiiht we h ear the gun a lot but it is not that bad. My aunt is about 60 every night she not sleep with us in camp. She go there to sleep. A friends house. She felt safer. She has money and she want her daughter and son to US and she have money to p ay and then onetime I went to see her she say they take about a couple thousand bucks to take kids to camp; you I love you but I don’t have money to pay for you.
“It’s okay, it fine.” I find new family to be with. That day the daughter and son didn’t come home and that day I knew it was something but by that time I live with 2 familiy her neice and nephew real. We live together. And then that day … one of the neighbors told me.
“Hey, you don’t want to go with them.?”
‘ Go where? ‘
“ they have the bus come to the temple in thailand. If you go there they take you to the camp.”
“I don’t have money I cant go.”
“ You don’t need money because the bus come pick you up and you go.”
My neice and nephew. They say don’t go. Leave with me b ecause I am not going b ecause they don’t like my aunts son because he told them you need money. They doh’t believe man. No, I want to go find my brother.
We make a business here…. My neighbor say ok you go you have tgo run in gthe morning… it is not only myself I carry the rice cooker, plate, in a bag and run. Shooting. This belongs to my aunt. I give this to her if she in camp.
Next morning I take rice cooker aunt leave behind and run from camp with a lot of men. We cross the border. I with the man who took me to the temple. See lots of busses and then I see aunt’s face in window of one of the busses.
“Bong, come come come, aunt waves to me to hurry but Sealion shaking head no, wave me back.
“Why you here?” he ask. “Go back, Mi no money pay for you. Go back.”
Bus driver yells for me to get on. I walk to family.
“I don’t want to come to stay with you,” I say. “I want to find my brother.”
The driver says come come I don’t want to come to stay with you I want to find my brother.
My sister love me. I come with
My aunt neice and nephew don’t want to come you don’t come becausde my mom don’t want to support you. They wenht back to cambodia. I saw them last year one of them is so so poor.
“Come with me I heard it free. The bus take you to the camp you don’t have to live with them”.
“No no you live w/me when I find my brother. He support you.”
I sit next to daughter for the bus ride, a coule hour. There is a line of busses making the trip.
The camp is open three days already. When bus stops together again with many old friends. So many people we know before already here.
Sealion not talk to me when we get off bus. But daughter and I we not care because she love me.
Group leader ask, “How many in your family” and daughter says “We have four.” Group leader tell us to build own place to sleep, shows us where to go.
Sister and me go through jungle and cut bamboo. Sealion he do nothing.
Every ten families has one group leader. Main thing still rice. Every day Red Cross deliver fresh water, canned foods, some vegetables, fish, somemeat. Families build own fires to cook meals. Lots of stones around. Find firewood and
Me and the sister we go through the jungle cut same bamboo pick
Sealion just sleep hammock but aunt and sister very happy we together again. Everything okay for a couple months until sister tell me Sealion not want me to live with them anymore. I have to move somewhere else.
I find work with CARE. I help them giving out fresh water. Daytime I gone but still have to go back to sleep with Sealion and family. I help them a lot with water. Every night I tell sister to come and get fresh water. She is the one who is carrying the water. He smoking. Lot of friends.
CARE pay my salary with canned food. Every afternoon I eat at CARE but more and more the sister say “I don’t know what to do for you because my brother don’t want you to stay here anymore.”
Then I hear they open orphanage. go to orphanage office. I have experience. I can take care of a lot of things. Whatever you want me to do I do it. They say its okay because they have a small baby. I have to live here too. Okay you can live here too. I born again.
Okay, I got a job, I don’t have to come home now. You need water, shower, you come to find me. By that time I am very lucky. I have job, food, water, place to sleep.
Sealion start coming to see me and I feed him. He start liking me again. One time my aunt have a grand nephew who I take care of in orphanage, always come to see aunt. He call me aunty.” Hey aunty, grandma want to see you.” He like a mailman.
“Why she want to see me? “
So I went there, a cople of blocks and when I get into the house I saw a man who is so handsome and he come to hug me. It is Billy. He came from America to find his mom. Billy, oh my god, you are alive. Oh wow, he look like a god.
Billy tell me he has money to sponsor me to go to USA. He give money now to his mom and sister. Come later with money for me.
“I am going to sponsor you,” he says. “You are my cousin.” Whatever. I think my life so much better now. Everything I need right here. Why I need to go anywhere else?
Aunt’sHer husband was killed by KR.
Sister come to orphanage every ngiht, carry water home, she work hard and me I don’t carry the water but I don’t want to get caught. When w ein camp she always come to see me. One day again the mailman come again and auntie, grndma want to see you again. You in trouble.
When I went there she got so mad at me. Start yelling at me.
“ I raise you so many year, I give you so much to eat. Someone be nice to you and you throw it away. You breaking the house. Cause trouble. Like someone be nice you supposed to be nice back.”
“I don’t understand. I very grateful. I never forget until I die. I love you, respect you, more than my mom. Just tell me what did I do.”
“Look at these letters my son send to you. Billy. You know he married.”
“Look at this. He say you are family. When we live in KR they don’t call girlfriend, wife, we call “
Aunt thought word meant girlfriend, she thought he was telling them he was going to marry me because he sponsor me like his family and my aunt say that family means wife, girlfriend. Because long long time when I was young her husband want Billy to marry me when he was little and then when he come to US he so far away. Between him and me he look like heaven and earth. He live in US, I live in a camp. He look like movies star. You misunderstood him. Billy still sponsor me and he don’t want to upset his mom and I swear to my aunt you don’t worry I’m not going to love him, not going to mary him. He married alredy. I not going to break up his family. Don’t worry about that … I am not going to do something like that…. Look at me….. he hugged me , a european way run and come hug me
Since then she still talk to me but not so friendly anymorel I am nothing, auntie. I don’t know that I come to the US. I don’t dream to come to US. You want to go because you real mom. I am just like cousin.
Three months later aunt and Sealion and sister leave camp to fly to US. They going to San Francisco. I come to the bus and I just cry. I am not going tyo see them again.
Philllipines: 1980
On weekend I get so bored so I go to church. All the neighborhood call me ‘Woman Jesus.’ only me go to church that church is Cambodian bible. I love to sing the bible. I didn’t get baptised. I have to get out with no communion. I want the cracker and drink the wine. I go there and I say can I have some. NO, you cannot have that. You have to have water. Explain you want to eat and drink that you have to be baptized. This one day you go to baptize okay im going to do that wfhat it taste like, go to father he give you baptise. That day I went there. Your spirit wanted to stop me from being baptised.
That day big storm and they do baptise in waterfall. Walk kind of far away. By myself walking gthrough forestrs down hill. I fall many times. I think they want to stop me. But I don’t want to stop. I want to know what it mean to take a shower in waterfall.
Finally, I go there. Look far down you see a lot of people in the water, hundreds, father in middle in warter. Say something and bup, he dunk your head in water.
And after that you had it. Oh I was so happy to stay in line and smile. I never knew . That red ting is the blood. I just want to see what it taste like.
We put wine in ice; it was sweet, sugar drink with a red color. Oh my god, that’s it.
Now you 100% Catholic. Whatever.
That day big storm and they do baptise in waterfall. Walk kind of far away. By myself walking gthrough forestrs down hill. I fall many times. I think they want to stop me. But I don’t want to stop. I want to know what it mean to take a shower in waterfall.
Finally, I go there. Look far down you see a lot of people in the water, hundreds, father in middle in warter. Say something and bup, he dunk your head in water.
And after that you had it. Oh I was so happy to stay in line and smile. I never knew . That red ting is the blood. I just want to see what it taste like.
We put wine in ice; it was sweet, sugar drink with a red color. Oh my god, that’s it.
Now you 100% Catholic. Whatever.
San Francisco: 1982
The plane approaches San Francisco and I look out window. Oh, it look like heaven at night time. Everyone say this heaven. I look down and I just think about my life. I just can’t believe I got here. So many times almost die. So lucky
Aunt and sponsor meet me at airport. Billy there too. I get so happy when I see them. Like family.
All my friends who have no sponsor leave to Hamilton Camp in San Rafael. I so lucky I don[t have to go with them.
I need to go to the bathroom. When I open the bathroom door just leave stuff outside. “Don’t do that again. Take everything with you.”
Gee, I think, why they steal? They so rich. Only old clohtes from camp in bag. Theyd not want anything like that.
Decembeer befrore Christmas. So cold, They dirve me to San Francisco.
He dropped me off on sutter, aunt and sister already got married. There I live with the monster again but this time with the little brother too
I look around apartment. Not understand. No furniture. One tv. Only mattress in bedroom old mattress. Only one table to eat in kitchen. Why US so poor? Not like they say at all.
In my mind, huh why….. Billy come 72 or 73; why so poor then?. I thought they make enough money by now to own just about anything.
The first thing I buy in America is from Goodwill. Just 25 cents, all I have to buy some clothes.
Aunt and sponsor meet me at airport. Billy there too. I get so happy when I see them. Like family.
All my friends who have no sponsor leave to Hamilton Camp in San Rafael. I so lucky I don[t have to go with them.
I need to go to the bathroom. When I open the bathroom door just leave stuff outside. “Don’t do that again. Take everything with you.”
Gee, I think, why they steal? They so rich. Only old clohtes from camp in bag. Theyd not want anything like that.
Decembeer befrore Christmas. So cold, They dirve me to San Francisco.
He dropped me off on sutter, aunt and sister already got married. There I live with the monster again but this time with the little brother too
I look around apartment. Not understand. No furniture. One tv. Only mattress in bedroom old mattress. Only one table to eat in kitchen. Why US so poor? Not like they say at all.
In my mind, huh why….. Billy come 72 or 73; why so poor then?. I thought they make enough money by now to own just about anything.
The first thing I buy in America is from Goodwill. Just 25 cents, all I have to buy some clothes.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Kou: Campwork
I work in orphanage camp, take care of thirty kids. Heaven . still miss my kids but not so bad because so many die.
first they give me baby and I know boy we grew up together he escape. Hoot. 10-15 years younger than you, neighbor kids…. I wish I go there.
After the war he went back home, his father sends money to people to bring him to the camp.
Hoot lives with me in orphanage. Every day he go to Red Cross bulletin board look for news from families. One time he brings letter to me. “I find your brother,” he says. Hoot knows brother too, Grew up together.
It feel so good, I want to find my brother in thailand. Father in Church whatever you want to find you send a letter. Catholic. They delivered the letter to the red cross. I sent him a letter. I am alive and he was so happy and he mail me money from french church to live on.
I eat a lot now. Gain waight. Get my teeth fixed.
Live there and they pay me one can a day as salary. Eat there, sleep there. Sardines 30 kids. 5-15.. 3 meals for them. We play sports, exercising at night we play build big red cross.
Chumrumcha- 1st camp.
Chum rum tmi 2nd camp tmi means new
Lst camp.
When my aunt come
Every day feel so good because we go shopping she havde a lot of gold and diamonds, daughter and me go buy food, go to border of thialand to buy stuff. By that time things are so cheap, just a little bit money. We have money to spend now. People speak the same language. Thai and Khmer. We eat almost the same food too.
We stay there one month. The Cowidan camp is open. The UN Red Cross start camps and thousands of thousands each day. It is like a town, we know a little people, but still I take care of my aunt’s family.
My aunt make a friend with some of the tahi people on border and at ngiiht we h ear the gun a lot but it is not that bad. My aunt is about 60 every night she not sleep with us in camp. She go there to sleep. A friends house. She felt safer. She has money and she want her daughter and son to US and she have money to p ay and then onetime I went to see her she say they take about a couple thousand bucks to take kids to camp; you I love you but I don’t have money to pay for you.
“It’s okay, it fine.” I find new family to be with. That day the daughter and son didn’t come home and that day I knew it was something but by that time I live with 2 familiy her neice and nephew real. We live together. And then that day … one of the neighbors told me.
“Hey, you don’t want to go with them.?”
‘ Go where? ‘
“ they have the bus come to the temple in thailand. If you go there they take you to the camp.”
“I don’t have money I cant go.”
“ You don’t need money because the bus come pick you up and you go.”
My neice and nephew. They say don’t go. Leave with me b ecause I am not going b ecause they don’t like my aunts son because he told them you need money. They doh’t believe man. No, I want to go find my brother.
We make a business here…. My neighbor say ok you go you have tgo run in gthe morning… it is not only myself I carry the rice cooker, plate, in a bag and run. Shooting. This belongs to my aunt. I give this to her if she in camp.
Next morning I take rice cooker aunt leave behind and run from camp with a lot of men. We cross the border. I with the man who took me to the temple. See lots of busses and then I see aunt’s face in window of one of the busses.
“Bong, come come come, aunt waves to me to hurry but Sealion shaking head no, wave me back.
“Why you here?” he ask. “Go back, Mi no money pay for you. Go back.”
Bus driver yells for me to get on. I walk to family.
“I don’t want to come to stay with you,” I say. “I want to find my brother.”
The driver says come come I don’t want to come to stay with you I want to find my brother.
My sister love me. I come with
My aunt neice and nephew don’t want to come you don’t come becausde my mom don’t want to support you. They wenht back to cambodia. I saw them last year one of them is so so poor.
“Come with me I heard it free. The bus take you to the camp you don’t have to live with them”.
“No no you live w/me when I find my brother. He support you.”
I sit next to daughter for the bus ride, a coule hour. There is a line of busses making the trip.
The camp is open three days already. When bus stops together again with many old friends. So many people we know before already here.
Sealion not talk to me when we get off bus. But daughter and I we not care because she love me.
Group leader ask, “How many in your family” and daughter says “We have four.” Group leader tell us to build own place to sleep, shows us where to go.
Sister and me go through jungle and cut bamboo. Sealion he do nothing.
Every ten families has one group leader. Main thing still rice. Every day Red Cross deliver fresh water, canned foods, some vegetables, fish, somemeat. Families build own fires to cook meals. Lots of stones around. Find firewood and
Me and the sister we go through the jungle cut same bamboo pick
Sealion just sleep hammock but aunt and sister very happy we together again. Everything okay for a couple months until sister tell me Sealion not want me to live with them anymore. I have to move somewhere else.
I find work with CARE. I help them giving out fresh water. Daytime I gone but still have to go back to sleep with Sealion and family. I help them a lot with water. Every night I tell sister to come and get fresh water. She is the one who is carrying the water. He smoking. Lot of friends.
CARE pay my salary with canned food. Every afternoon I eat at CARE but more and more the sister say “I don’t know what to do for you because my brother don’t want you to stay here anymore.”
Then I hear they open orphanage. go to orphanage office. I have experience. I can take care of a lot of things. Whatever you want me to do I do it. They say its okay because they have a small baby. I have to live here too. Okay you can live here too. I born again.
Okay, I got a job, I don’t have to come home now. You need water, shower, you come to find me. By that time I am very lucky. I have job, food, water, place to sleep.
Sealion start coming to see me and I feed him. He start liking me again. One time my aunt have a grand nephew who I take care of in orphanage, always come to see aunt. He call me aunty.” Hey aunty, grandma want to see you.” He like a mailman.
“Why she want to see me? “
So I went there, a cople of blocks and when I get into the house I saw a man who is so handsome and he come to hug me. It is Billy. He came from America to find his mom. Billy, oh my god, you are alive. Oh wow, he look like a god.
Billy tell me he has money to sponsor me to go to USA. He give money now to his mom and sister. Come later with money for me.
“I am going to sponsor you,” he says. “You are my cousin.” Whatever. I think my life so much better now. Everything I need right here. Why I need to go anywhere else?
Aunt’sHer husband was killed by KR.
Sister come to orphanage every ngiht, carry water home, she work hard and me I don’t carry the water but I don’t want to get caught. When w ein camp she always come to see me. One day again the mailman come again and auntie, grndma want to see you again. You in trouble.
When I went there she got so mad at me. Start yelling at me.
“ I raise you so many year, I give you so much to eat. Someone be nice to you and you throw it away. You breaking the house. Cause trouble. Like someone be nice you supposed to be nice back.”
“I don’t understand. I very grateful. I never forget until I die. I love you, respect you, more than my mom. Just tell me what did I do.”
“Look at these letters my son send to you. Billy. You know he married.”
“Look at this. He say you are family. When we live in KR they don’t call girlfriend, wife, we call “
Aunt thought word meant girlfriend, she thought he was telling them he was going to marry me because he sponsor me like his family and my aunt say that family means wife, girlfriend. Because long long time when I was young her husband want Billy to marry me when he was little and then when he come to US he so far away. Between him and me he look like heaven and earth. He live in US, I live in a camp. He look like movies star. You misunderstood him. Billy still sponsor me and he don’t want to upset his mom and I swear to my aunt you don’t worry I’m not going to love him, not going to mary him. He married alredy. I not going to break up his family. Don’t worry about that … I am not going to do something like that…. Look at me….. he hugged me , a european way run and come hug me
Since then she still talk to me but not so friendly anymorel I am nothing, auntie. I don’t know that I come to the US. I don’t dream to come to US. You want to go because you real mom. I am just like cousin.
Three months later aunt and Sealion and sister leave camp to fly to US. They going to San Francisco. I come to the bus and I just cry. I am not going tyo see them again.
first they give me baby and I know boy we grew up together he escape. Hoot. 10-15 years younger than you, neighbor kids…. I wish I go there.
After the war he went back home, his father sends money to people to bring him to the camp.
Hoot lives with me in orphanage. Every day he go to Red Cross bulletin board look for news from families. One time he brings letter to me. “I find your brother,” he says. Hoot knows brother too, Grew up together.
It feel so good, I want to find my brother in thailand. Father in Church whatever you want to find you send a letter. Catholic. They delivered the letter to the red cross. I sent him a letter. I am alive and he was so happy and he mail me money from french church to live on.
I eat a lot now. Gain waight. Get my teeth fixed.
Live there and they pay me one can a day as salary. Eat there, sleep there. Sardines 30 kids. 5-15.. 3 meals for them. We play sports, exercising at night we play build big red cross.
Chumrumcha- 1st camp.
Chum rum tmi 2nd camp tmi means new
Lst camp.
When my aunt come
Every day feel so good because we go shopping she havde a lot of gold and diamonds, daughter and me go buy food, go to border of thialand to buy stuff. By that time things are so cheap, just a little bit money. We have money to spend now. People speak the same language. Thai and Khmer. We eat almost the same food too.
We stay there one month. The Cowidan camp is open. The UN Red Cross start camps and thousands of thousands each day. It is like a town, we know a little people, but still I take care of my aunt’s family.
My aunt make a friend with some of the tahi people on border and at ngiiht we h ear the gun a lot but it is not that bad. My aunt is about 60 every night she not sleep with us in camp. She go there to sleep. A friends house. She felt safer. She has money and she want her daughter and son to US and she have money to p ay and then onetime I went to see her she say they take about a couple thousand bucks to take kids to camp; you I love you but I don’t have money to pay for you.
“It’s okay, it fine.” I find new family to be with. That day the daughter and son didn’t come home and that day I knew it was something but by that time I live with 2 familiy her neice and nephew real. We live together. And then that day … one of the neighbors told me.
“Hey, you don’t want to go with them.?”
‘ Go where? ‘
“ they have the bus come to the temple in thailand. If you go there they take you to the camp.”
“I don’t have money I cant go.”
“ You don’t need money because the bus come pick you up and you go.”
My neice and nephew. They say don’t go. Leave with me b ecause I am not going b ecause they don’t like my aunts son because he told them you need money. They doh’t believe man. No, I want to go find my brother.
We make a business here…. My neighbor say ok you go you have tgo run in gthe morning… it is not only myself I carry the rice cooker, plate, in a bag and run. Shooting. This belongs to my aunt. I give this to her if she in camp.
Next morning I take rice cooker aunt leave behind and run from camp with a lot of men. We cross the border. I with the man who took me to the temple. See lots of busses and then I see aunt’s face in window of one of the busses.
“Bong, come come come, aunt waves to me to hurry but Sealion shaking head no, wave me back.
“Why you here?” he ask. “Go back, Mi no money pay for you. Go back.”
Bus driver yells for me to get on. I walk to family.
“I don’t want to come to stay with you,” I say. “I want to find my brother.”
The driver says come come I don’t want to come to stay with you I want to find my brother.
My sister love me. I come with
My aunt neice and nephew don’t want to come you don’t come becausde my mom don’t want to support you. They wenht back to cambodia. I saw them last year one of them is so so poor.
“Come with me I heard it free. The bus take you to the camp you don’t have to live with them”.
“No no you live w/me when I find my brother. He support you.”
I sit next to daughter for the bus ride, a coule hour. There is a line of busses making the trip.
The camp is open three days already. When bus stops together again with many old friends. So many people we know before already here.
Sealion not talk to me when we get off bus. But daughter and I we not care because she love me.
Group leader ask, “How many in your family” and daughter says “We have four.” Group leader tell us to build own place to sleep, shows us where to go.
Sister and me go through jungle and cut bamboo. Sealion he do nothing.
Every ten families has one group leader. Main thing still rice. Every day Red Cross deliver fresh water, canned foods, some vegetables, fish, somemeat. Families build own fires to cook meals. Lots of stones around. Find firewood and
Me and the sister we go through the jungle cut same bamboo pick
Sealion just sleep hammock but aunt and sister very happy we together again. Everything okay for a couple months until sister tell me Sealion not want me to live with them anymore. I have to move somewhere else.
I find work with CARE. I help them giving out fresh water. Daytime I gone but still have to go back to sleep with Sealion and family. I help them a lot with water. Every night I tell sister to come and get fresh water. She is the one who is carrying the water. He smoking. Lot of friends.
CARE pay my salary with canned food. Every afternoon I eat at CARE but more and more the sister say “I don’t know what to do for you because my brother don’t want you to stay here anymore.”
Then I hear they open orphanage. go to orphanage office. I have experience. I can take care of a lot of things. Whatever you want me to do I do it. They say its okay because they have a small baby. I have to live here too. Okay you can live here too. I born again.
Okay, I got a job, I don’t have to come home now. You need water, shower, you come to find me. By that time I am very lucky. I have job, food, water, place to sleep.
Sealion start coming to see me and I feed him. He start liking me again. One time my aunt have a grand nephew who I take care of in orphanage, always come to see aunt. He call me aunty.” Hey aunty, grandma want to see you.” He like a mailman.
“Why she want to see me? “
So I went there, a cople of blocks and when I get into the house I saw a man who is so handsome and he come to hug me. It is Billy. He came from America to find his mom. Billy, oh my god, you are alive. Oh wow, he look like a god.
Billy tell me he has money to sponsor me to go to USA. He give money now to his mom and sister. Come later with money for me.
“I am going to sponsor you,” he says. “You are my cousin.” Whatever. I think my life so much better now. Everything I need right here. Why I need to go anywhere else?
Aunt’sHer husband was killed by KR.
Sister come to orphanage every ngiht, carry water home, she work hard and me I don’t carry the water but I don’t want to get caught. When w ein camp she always come to see me. One day again the mailman come again and auntie, grndma want to see you again. You in trouble.
When I went there she got so mad at me. Start yelling at me.
“ I raise you so many year, I give you so much to eat. Someone be nice to you and you throw it away. You breaking the house. Cause trouble. Like someone be nice you supposed to be nice back.”
“I don’t understand. I very grateful. I never forget until I die. I love you, respect you, more than my mom. Just tell me what did I do.”
“Look at these letters my son send to you. Billy. You know he married.”
“Look at this. He say you are family. When we live in KR they don’t call girlfriend, wife, we call “
Aunt thought word meant girlfriend, she thought he was telling them he was going to marry me because he sponsor me like his family and my aunt say that family means wife, girlfriend. Because long long time when I was young her husband want Billy to marry me when he was little and then when he come to US he so far away. Between him and me he look like heaven and earth. He live in US, I live in a camp. He look like movies star. You misunderstood him. Billy still sponsor me and he don’t want to upset his mom and I swear to my aunt you don’t worry I’m not going to love him, not going to mary him. He married alredy. I not going to break up his family. Don’t worry about that … I am not going to do something like that…. Look at me….. he hugged me , a european way run and come hug me
Since then she still talk to me but not so friendly anymorel I am nothing, auntie. I don’t know that I come to the US. I don’t dream to come to US. You want to go because you real mom. I am just like cousin.
Three months later aunt and Sealion and sister leave camp to fly to US. They going to San Francisco. I come to the bus and I just cry. I am not going tyo see them again.
Kou: Finish
Chapter 4B: Freedom.
Oh, how I want to eat clams. There is a small shallow pond greren with algae and I walk in and see clams. I start to pick them out of the water.
“what are you doing in there? Get out, get out,” someone calls.
I ignore the warming and continue to gather clams.
What happened? Why?
My sister and I are sent to a place far away from our home. The KR are not too strict anymore. After worok, you can go find whatever you want to eat. Usually, the men go to find food for the women but we have no man in our family. My sister goes with a neighbor. It is so hot, you have to rest two hours after you eat.
The men tell us to go to the creek. The mud comes up above your knees and dyou stand there until you see a bubble. That means there is a fish underneath. But I am so weak, it is hard for me to walk that far and then when I arrive I get stuck in the mud. I see a big fish, as big as your calf.
“That fish, that fish. My fish,” I call out. I see a man I know from a long time ago, from the train ride to Battambang. He is a mean man. One time he killed his own dog and made a curry. “Can you get it for me? Can you help me?”
He looks over in my direction and sees the fish. He wades over through the mud and grabs it. He walks away. I walk home empty handed, alongside all these men with buckets full of fish. I am so sad. You think a god or angel take care of me because as I am walking around the big cow footprints I suddenly see a fish as big as half an arm swimming in the black water of a cow hole.
I saw a fish big as half arm, swim a little in cow hole. My fish! I catch it and carry it home.
Winter walk to lake to clean,
I have to slide down to get bath and I have to climb up …
I cannot climb too high. Sit down by bamboo gtree and I saw a different, shiney black and fat he is across from me. I got a bamboo stick, oh today
I hity himn with stick on head. One twice nothing he run away.
What they hell you want to eat that thnng? Sister.
In hospital dream
Bamboo bed you can look down. Kr clinic they have a lot of duck. Oh fat duck, ia m going to roast you some day.
You cannot touch you get killed.
So hot in summer…. Every day I am getting better and better .
The shrimp and we not too hungry anymore. People saying amazing happen. The shrimp in little water. At night shrimp light up and the head of the fish light up too.
The country maybe goihg to be better. For 4 year no birds.
A scarecrow just fly over. I think going to be better.
Things likght up at night.
My group say okay we have to go to the mountain only old people don’t go and just have baby.
Where are we going? 10-15 people walked 2-3 days to get there. We sleep under cow wagon. Nobody youch anybody.
Me and my sister always together. They tell us to go into jungle woods. You have to build tent. We buld all together tent. We sleep on bamboo. Very like party. Don’t have private kitchen. Bowl soup full bowl 2x a day they give uyou lunch and dinner.d
I say okay who ever take care of this mountain, my friend, when yhou get into mtn,, yuou get lost so easy. Go to clean, cut. I think they want to kill you.
I walk by myself, if you want me to be alive you make sure yuou don’t make me hungry. You make me die. You better stop make me hungry. Make me very sick so I can go to clinic again. 2 days im complaining. 3rd day eat at night, I cannot get up and I just lay dowsn there. I hear cannot get up, cannot hear.
2 days my sister feed me a little bit. They take me carry me hammock nylong to cinic, in mountain. Penon Takpoo .
thousands of thousands of peole move everyone to mountains. Clinic, hd to poop. Carried me to toilet. She have to hold me to pee to poop. No bone.
I sleep, whatever
I hear they make somethingh for me to eat. Long vegetable.
They put worm in vegetable, and burn until soft, ddrink it.
Dropper for 7 days, took me back to
Have meeting and people get married, big meeting and then they say today we have 10 couples (singel teenagert at least 10-20 couples) they build them a small house and they give them brand new KR and black panst and black shirts.
On the way frojm mountain I am in a cow wagon with 2 other nurses one man and one woman, man controled wagaon and woman sat with me. I am sleeping. I remember they cross all snall little creek. I got so wet for lunch time they stop at this house. They park under the tree. After they eat they come to ask me, you hungry, I open eyes, I shake my head and open my eyes yes.
White rice, I was shaking and soup with sour fish … that thing saved my life. They so mad. They think I am fakikngn. I feel I have more energy. I lay back. When you are in a coma you hear, my spirit go so deep and deep in jungle, when I hear someone call my name, I come back. Keep going. See all the trees, just go and go… shaking me or nurse want to …. Come back but I cannot talk.
After eat take whole day to come to my house. But me in KR clinic. Thjey still hage a couple nurse in there. Stay thre every day I can come go round find some veg cook own food. The whole town is empty so
Get better and better.
We hear buns I go to my housel. Neighbor say some peole heave sound of gun. Where th gun come from
Maybe things going to be better.
My neighbor who had babies they made chicken soup, you know how to make a chicken soup,. I cook outside. When soup is done one the guys put marijuana in soup. I eat the most b ecause I am always hungry. Afater I eat I sleep the whole day and then by that time the vietnames come comde to Bakenbaum. Neighbor say hey you get up.
The kr startt to escape. They open up the stockade of food. Wow, I cannot get up.
You don’t get up, vn come maybe they going to kill you.
Go to place stock all food.
I sew backpack. 5 can of rice
It is almost night time; we better run. Run where? We better stick together because when the vn come, they buried a man and
Buried man 3 h3ad and build fire, make tea, when cambodian man get too hot. Don’t move you are gfoing to spill my water.
Thai -ong
1979 vn
comed and
polpot? Pol pot? They pass us through. “dee dee’ (go,go)
we run and hear the guns.
Mountain peole relese us.
We ran the whole night. After second night I saw my sister. KR escape
Oh lets run back to the mountain. But the moutain ran bnac to us so we meet each other.
By that tikme we have a loty of food. We are free
We go home. We found an empty house. After that a lot of peple don’t come home. Two sisters.
By that time we can have a lot of rice and we went to find rice so I got big bag of rice. Very first time we cook own food first time free to do whatever you want You are with 2 and 6; , not seen £1, 3 or number 5
Ta come home too. No more involve with him because ta and ye together
I go to take a bath in a lake because I have to go. Tgry to avoid him.
One time I saw 3 or 4 dry fish; he just drop off and gone. I saw dry fish, I told 2 sister, I don’t want to eat these fish because ta put spirfits in them. He make me fall in love.
Oh why don’t yhou cross it 3x?
A no I am going to throw these awsay. I don’t want to get crazy.
Ok, you don’t want to eat. Let me eat.”
Younger sister, now a lot of man go to the lake aboutg a couple day to go there a lot of fish and you stay here you wait for me im going to go get a couple men and go with them and get some fish.
She left for a couple of days. I go to my neighbor and give them a coin and massage, and after I do it they gave me food.
Tjhis one famliy she like sister to me. She married she has husband, who is very good with finding food she have d2 sons. After we got free she got a lot of rice and gold necklaces. While my sister to to get fish, her husband come back home to visitg all gthe friend here,
Husband says she is in bb and wants to see. Neighbor says oh we want to go because her father is over there too. Lets go tomorrow.
1 thailand
3 man excaped to thailand
5 somewhere ???
2 and 6 in combodia. Home home.
Oh, how I want to eat clams. There is a small shallow pond greren with algae and I walk in and see clams. I start to pick them out of the water.
“what are you doing in there? Get out, get out,” someone calls.
I ignore the warming and continue to gather clams.
What happened? Why?
My sister and I are sent to a place far away from our home. The KR are not too strict anymore. After worok, you can go find whatever you want to eat. Usually, the men go to find food for the women but we have no man in our family. My sister goes with a neighbor. It is so hot, you have to rest two hours after you eat.
The men tell us to go to the creek. The mud comes up above your knees and dyou stand there until you see a bubble. That means there is a fish underneath. But I am so weak, it is hard for me to walk that far and then when I arrive I get stuck in the mud. I see a big fish, as big as your calf.
“That fish, that fish. My fish,” I call out. I see a man I know from a long time ago, from the train ride to Battambang. He is a mean man. One time he killed his own dog and made a curry. “Can you get it for me? Can you help me?”
He looks over in my direction and sees the fish. He wades over through the mud and grabs it. He walks away. I walk home empty handed, alongside all these men with buckets full of fish. I am so sad. You think a god or angel take care of me because as I am walking around the big cow footprints I suddenly see a fish as big as half an arm swimming in the black water of a cow hole.
I saw a fish big as half arm, swim a little in cow hole. My fish! I catch it and carry it home.
Winter walk to lake to clean,
I have to slide down to get bath and I have to climb up …
I cannot climb too high. Sit down by bamboo gtree and I saw a different, shiney black and fat he is across from me. I got a bamboo stick, oh today
I hity himn with stick on head. One twice nothing he run away.
What they hell you want to eat that thnng? Sister.
In hospital dream
Bamboo bed you can look down. Kr clinic they have a lot of duck. Oh fat duck, ia m going to roast you some day.
You cannot touch you get killed.
So hot in summer…. Every day I am getting better and better .
The shrimp and we not too hungry anymore. People saying amazing happen. The shrimp in little water. At night shrimp light up and the head of the fish light up too.
The country maybe goihg to be better. For 4 year no birds.
A scarecrow just fly over. I think going to be better.
Things likght up at night.
My group say okay we have to go to the mountain only old people don’t go and just have baby.
Where are we going? 10-15 people walked 2-3 days to get there. We sleep under cow wagon. Nobody youch anybody.
Me and my sister always together. They tell us to go into jungle woods. You have to build tent. We buld all together tent. We sleep on bamboo. Very like party. Don’t have private kitchen. Bowl soup full bowl 2x a day they give uyou lunch and dinner.d
I say okay who ever take care of this mountain, my friend, when yhou get into mtn,, yuou get lost so easy. Go to clean, cut. I think they want to kill you.
I walk by myself, if you want me to be alive you make sure yuou don’t make me hungry. You make me die. You better stop make me hungry. Make me very sick so I can go to clinic again. 2 days im complaining. 3rd day eat at night, I cannot get up and I just lay dowsn there. I hear cannot get up, cannot hear.
2 days my sister feed me a little bit. They take me carry me hammock nylong to cinic, in mountain. Penon Takpoo .
thousands of thousands of peole move everyone to mountains. Clinic, hd to poop. Carried me to toilet. She have to hold me to pee to poop. No bone.
I sleep, whatever
I hear they make somethingh for me to eat. Long vegetable.
They put worm in vegetable, and burn until soft, ddrink it.
Dropper for 7 days, took me back to
Have meeting and people get married, big meeting and then they say today we have 10 couples (singel teenagert at least 10-20 couples) they build them a small house and they give them brand new KR and black panst and black shirts.
On the way frojm mountain I am in a cow wagon with 2 other nurses one man and one woman, man controled wagaon and woman sat with me. I am sleeping. I remember they cross all snall little creek. I got so wet for lunch time they stop at this house. They park under the tree. After they eat they come to ask me, you hungry, I open eyes, I shake my head and open my eyes yes.
White rice, I was shaking and soup with sour fish … that thing saved my life. They so mad. They think I am fakikngn. I feel I have more energy. I lay back. When you are in a coma you hear, my spirit go so deep and deep in jungle, when I hear someone call my name, I come back. Keep going. See all the trees, just go and go… shaking me or nurse want to …. Come back but I cannot talk.
After eat take whole day to come to my house. But me in KR clinic. Thjey still hage a couple nurse in there. Stay thre every day I can come go round find some veg cook own food. The whole town is empty so
Get better and better.
We hear buns I go to my housel. Neighbor say some peole heave sound of gun. Where th gun come from
Maybe things going to be better.
My neighbor who had babies they made chicken soup, you know how to make a chicken soup,. I cook outside. When soup is done one the guys put marijuana in soup. I eat the most b ecause I am always hungry. Afater I eat I sleep the whole day and then by that time the vietnames come comde to Bakenbaum. Neighbor say hey you get up.
The kr startt to escape. They open up the stockade of food. Wow, I cannot get up.
You don’t get up, vn come maybe they going to kill you.
Go to place stock all food.
I sew backpack. 5 can of rice
It is almost night time; we better run. Run where? We better stick together because when the vn come, they buried a man and
Buried man 3 h3ad and build fire, make tea, when cambodian man get too hot. Don’t move you are gfoing to spill my water.
Thai -ong
1979 vn
comed and
polpot? Pol pot? They pass us through. “dee dee’ (go,go)
we run and hear the guns.
Mountain peole relese us.
We ran the whole night. After second night I saw my sister. KR escape
Oh lets run back to the mountain. But the moutain ran bnac to us so we meet each other.
By that tikme we have a loty of food. We are free
We go home. We found an empty house. After that a lot of peple don’t come home. Two sisters.
By that time we can have a lot of rice and we went to find rice so I got big bag of rice. Very first time we cook own food first time free to do whatever you want You are with 2 and 6; , not seen £1, 3 or number 5
Ta come home too. No more involve with him because ta and ye together
I go to take a bath in a lake because I have to go. Tgry to avoid him.
One time I saw 3 or 4 dry fish; he just drop off and gone. I saw dry fish, I told 2 sister, I don’t want to eat these fish because ta put spirfits in them. He make me fall in love.
Oh why don’t yhou cross it 3x?
A no I am going to throw these awsay. I don’t want to get crazy.
Ok, you don’t want to eat. Let me eat.”
Younger sister, now a lot of man go to the lake aboutg a couple day to go there a lot of fish and you stay here you wait for me im going to go get a couple men and go with them and get some fish.
She left for a couple of days. I go to my neighbor and give them a coin and massage, and after I do it they gave me food.
Tjhis one famliy she like sister to me. She married she has husband, who is very good with finding food she have d2 sons. After we got free she got a lot of rice and gold necklaces. While my sister to to get fish, her husband come back home to visitg all gthe friend here,
Husband says she is in bb and wants to see. Neighbor says oh we want to go because her father is over there too. Lets go tomorrow.
1 thailand
3 man excaped to thailand
5 somewhere ???
2 and 6 in combodia. Home home.
Kou: San Francisco
The plane approaches San Francisco and I look out window. Oh, it look like heaven at night time. Everyone say this heaven. I look down and I just think about my life. I just can’t believe I got here. So many times almost die. So lucky
Aunt and sponsor meet me at airport. Billy there too. I get so happy when I see them. Like family.
All my friends who have no sponsor leave to Hamilton Camp in San Rafael. I so lucky I don[t have to go with them.
I need to go to the bathroom. When I open the bathroom door just leave stuff outside. “Don’t do that again. Take everything with you.”
Gee, I think, why they steal? They so rich. Only old clohtes from camp in bag. Theyd not want anything like that.
Decembeer befrore Christmas. So cold, They dirve me to San Francisco.
He dropped me off on sutter, aunt and sister already got married. There I live with the monster again but this time with the little brother too
I look around apartment. Not understand. No furniture. One tv. Only mattress in bedroom old mattress. Only one table to eat in kitchen. Why US so poor? Not like they say at all.
In my mind, huh why….. Billy come 72 or 73; why so poor then?. I thought they make enough money by now to own just about anything.
The first thing I buy in America is from Goodwill. Just 25 cents, all I have to buy some clothes.
Aunt and sponsor meet me at airport. Billy there too. I get so happy when I see them. Like family.
All my friends who have no sponsor leave to Hamilton Camp in San Rafael. I so lucky I don[t have to go with them.
I need to go to the bathroom. When I open the bathroom door just leave stuff outside. “Don’t do that again. Take everything with you.”
Gee, I think, why they steal? They so rich. Only old clohtes from camp in bag. Theyd not want anything like that.
Decembeer befrore Christmas. So cold, They dirve me to San Francisco.
He dropped me off on sutter, aunt and sister already got married. There I live with the monster again but this time with the little brother too
I look around apartment. Not understand. No furniture. One tv. Only mattress in bedroom old mattress. Only one table to eat in kitchen. Why US so poor? Not like they say at all.
In my mind, huh why….. Billy come 72 or 73; why so poor then?. I thought they make enough money by now to own just about anything.
The first thing I buy in America is from Goodwill. Just 25 cents, all I have to buy some clothes.
Kou: Phillapines
On weekend I get so bored so I go to church. All the neighborhood call me ‘Woman Jesus.’ only me go to church that church is Cambodian bible. I love to sing the bible. I didn’t get baptised. I have to get out with no communion. I want the cracker and drink the wine. I go there and I say can I have some. NO, you cannot have that. You have to have water. Explain you want to eat and drink that you have to be baptized. This one day you go to baptize okay im going to do that wfhat it taste like, go to father he give you baptise. That day I went there. Your spirit wanted to stop me from being baptised.
That day big storm and they do baptise in waterfall. Walk kind of far away. By myself walking gthrough forestrs down hill. I fall many times. I think they want to stop me. But I don’t want to stop. I want to know what it mean to take a shower in waterfall.
Finally, I go there. Look far down you see a lot of people in the water, hundreds, father in middle in warter. Say something and bup, he dunk your head in water.
And after that you had it. Oh I was so happy to stay in line and smile. I never knew . That red ting is the blood. I just want to see what it taste like.
We put wine in ice; it was sweet, sugar drink with a red color. Oh my god, that’s it.
Now you 100% Catholic. Whatever.
That day big storm and they do baptise in waterfall. Walk kind of far away. By myself walking gthrough forestrs down hill. I fall many times. I think they want to stop me. But I don’t want to stop. I want to know what it mean to take a shower in waterfall.
Finally, I go there. Look far down you see a lot of people in the water, hundreds, father in middle in warter. Say something and bup, he dunk your head in water.
And after that you had it. Oh I was so happy to stay in line and smile. I never knew . That red ting is the blood. I just want to see what it taste like.
We put wine in ice; it was sweet, sugar drink with a red color. Oh my god, that’s it.
Now you 100% Catholic. Whatever.
Kou: No Leave
My brother tell me he going to take me to France. Told my brother my aunt and Billy sponsor me too. He tell me be sure. Don’t worry, I say. If you take me first I go. If US call me first I go. No matter. I don’t want to leave. Happy here.
Why I want to leave now? Now I meet doctor who come to take care of sick kids. We fall in love. He sometimes spend a night or two in camp sometimes he come to bangkok. A lot of people know about us; after my aunt left we were together for a couple of months.
And then sister come to US she send me a letter and say your life is going to change after you come to San Francisco.
I don’t want to leave, I have boyfriend. Everyday mailman and other little boys. “Oh I am going to look for your name when you have interview.” “Don’t bother I don’t want to come to US. I don’t want to eat bread all day long.Not like American, Eureopean food.”
Then one day mailman come, say I see you name on list. don’t tell me that you scare me. I saw my name to interview, find out what day to come to US. I got so sad. I tell dr.
“You go first I go to find you,” he say.
Are you sure?
“Yes, very soon I am going to go to the US too.”
Name, birthday sponsor. I cry a lot, he come to bus with me. He was so nice to me.
“I am going to find you, you don’t worry about anything,” he say.
The bus pulls away.
Why I want to leave now? Now I meet doctor who come to take care of sick kids. We fall in love. He sometimes spend a night or two in camp sometimes he come to bangkok. A lot of people know about us; after my aunt left we were together for a couple of months.
And then sister come to US she send me a letter and say your life is going to change after you come to San Francisco.
I don’t want to leave, I have boyfriend. Everyday mailman and other little boys. “Oh I am going to look for your name when you have interview.” “Don’t bother I don’t want to come to US. I don’t want to eat bread all day long.Not like American, Eureopean food.”
Then one day mailman come, say I see you name on list. don’t tell me that you scare me. I saw my name to interview, find out what day to come to US. I got so sad. I tell dr.
“You go first I go to find you,” he say.
Are you sure?
“Yes, very soon I am going to go to the US too.”
Name, birthday sponsor. I cry a lot, he come to bus with me. He was so nice to me.
“I am going to find you, you don’t worry about anything,” he say.
The bus pulls away.
Kua: 2nd camp notes
take you to Chumburry, 2nd camp and he came to see me one time A couple of weeks. I crazy in love with him. And then a week later I come another camp and then come to Phillipiens for a couple of months.
Sister in law meet in cowidan, lst camp. Come together in Chumburry 2nd camp I with her she knew she go to australia I knew I go to US. You write to me and then I write to you. Lme and her and my brother get so close they exchange letter in chyumburry camp and she keep secret…
One night in bangkok. They take me to philllipines to learn english, iwas by myself, AirPhillipine, I throw up all day long in there. After that the bus come and take to camp again. I think I am going to die. P mountain road. Im dyhing, im dying. They don’t know me,
Got to camp at night time. Share room one family one room. Downstairs I share with them for 3-4 months. They nice to me. Nobody take care of nobody. Collect food from red cross again. I go to school to learn english dime quarter hamburgher hotdog, go to toilet.
Sister in law meet in cowidan, lst camp. Come together in Chumburry 2nd camp I with her she knew she go to australia I knew I go to US. You write to me and then I write to you. Lme and her and my brother get so close they exchange letter in chyumburry camp and she keep secret…
One night in bangkok. They take me to philllipines to learn english, iwas by myself, AirPhillipine, I throw up all day long in there. After that the bus come and take to camp again. I think I am going to die. P mountain road. Im dyhing, im dying. They don’t know me,
Got to camp at night time. Share room one family one room. Downstairs I share with them for 3-4 months. They nice to me. Nobody take care of nobody. Collect food from red cross again. I go to school to learn english dime quarter hamburgher hotdog, go to toilet.
Kou: First Camp
Sealion takes me to a small camp made of plastic tarps. He sleep in hammock, I sleep on ground on small towell. It very warm.I hear a lot of peple most of pretty girl, they rape,rob kill.Spend night with aunts son and in the morning I rest for one or two da;ys and then
One day at night we hear the guns. My aunts son came to me and told me if something happen you make sure you run. What happen? Its not safe. Sometime they fighting, they shooting. That night I heard the fighting. I ran with people who are running. I run with people. Run run run army shooting. Charmunchun and charumthi
I run across the small river, chest high and I lost my shoe run barefeet. I run so fast I saw the bullets like fire…. Don’t know where to gho I
Oh my lifew why I have to do this all the time. Running running running don’t know where to go just running. When you are scared you don’t know you hurt your feet. We run across the border rice fields until no more gun and then when you run with them you come home with them
I am going to be hit. There are so many bullets. You are ducking running through them.
I remembert when I was young and the fortune teller told me my life is somebody you don’t know always take care of you. When danger comes, when I live in kr, they don’;t shootl look like you are in a war zone. You don’t curse when something dangerous come to your life. You don’t curse, don’t say bad things about other people. Don’t think bad things about them. Oh my mother, my father who die praying to your parents to whomever to take car eof you.
We are hiding no more shooting. Ok time to go we have to wait until no more. You hear peopoe yelilng for each other. Poor me noone yelling for me. I just come back with people with no shoes, clothing all dirty. I come to the place where we sleep. He say oh I am glad you are okay. Where were you. I ran too. You had to run. We just sit there and look at each other and laugh. Oh my god you cannot live like this….
my aunts son I say I come to buy rice and go back home…. Small little gold. I get at least 25 lbs of rice. The third day I have to carry rice back to swasizabpan. That rice so heavy I have to get up so early to carry because when I walk here I walk with no ricel, can hardly make it without. He should take the rice there. Got rice on head I walk from the camp get ousdie the camp not ½ a mile, I cannot walk it too heavy. I have to put down rice under big tree. I sit down thinking. That big tree you in jungle shoujuld I get in jungle or go back. Aunt will get mad at me. I sit there cry too
½ hour later saw somebody walk out from jungle about 10 people somebody I knew and then later I saw my aunt and his daughter and the people we live with in swazipan. And the people we live with. All of them came and saw me sitting with the bag of rice. Bong, bong we hear. You don’t have to carry the rice bag. You don’t think im goind to make it. My life is…. I am born again. So many times. We take the rice back the camp and we stay together.
One day at night we hear the guns. My aunts son came to me and told me if something happen you make sure you run. What happen? Its not safe. Sometime they fighting, they shooting. That night I heard the fighting. I ran with people who are running. I run with people. Run run run army shooting. Charmunchun and charumthi
I run across the small river, chest high and I lost my shoe run barefeet. I run so fast I saw the bullets like fire…. Don’t know where to gho I
Oh my lifew why I have to do this all the time. Running running running don’t know where to go just running. When you are scared you don’t know you hurt your feet. We run across the border rice fields until no more gun and then when you run with them you come home with them
I am going to be hit. There are so many bullets. You are ducking running through them.
I remembert when I was young and the fortune teller told me my life is somebody you don’t know always take care of you. When danger comes, when I live in kr, they don’;t shootl look like you are in a war zone. You don’t curse when something dangerous come to your life. You don’t curse, don’t say bad things about other people. Don’t think bad things about them. Oh my mother, my father who die praying to your parents to whomever to take car eof you.
We are hiding no more shooting. Ok time to go we have to wait until no more. You hear peopoe yelilng for each other. Poor me noone yelling for me. I just come back with people with no shoes, clothing all dirty. I come to the place where we sleep. He say oh I am glad you are okay. Where were you. I ran too. You had to run. We just sit there and look at each other and laugh. Oh my god you cannot live like this….
my aunts son I say I come to buy rice and go back home…. Small little gold. I get at least 25 lbs of rice. The third day I have to carry rice back to swasizabpan. That rice so heavy I have to get up so early to carry because when I walk here I walk with no ricel, can hardly make it without. He should take the rice there. Got rice on head I walk from the camp get ousdie the camp not ½ a mile, I cannot walk it too heavy. I have to put down rice under big tree. I sit down thinking. That big tree you in jungle shoujuld I get in jungle or go back. Aunt will get mad at me. I sit there cry too
½ hour later saw somebody walk out from jungle about 10 people somebody I knew and then later I saw my aunt and his daughter and the people we live with in swazipan. And the people we live with. All of them came and saw me sitting with the bag of rice. Bong, bong we hear. You don’t have to carry the rice bag. You don’t think im goind to make it. My life is…. I am born again. So many times. We take the rice back the camp and we stay together.
Kou: Sisophan Escape
J and I return from shooping to find Sea Lion sitting beside Aunt. He so excited. He going to joion small group of people travelling to refugee camp on Thailand border. Many people going to buy suppplies, bring back to families here. He leave today.
Aunt very nervous. Word comes from two of Sea Lion’s friends that he safe, journey not so dangerous.
Now my turn, Aunt says. She want me to travel to refugee camp where Sea Lion waits, buy big bag of rice and carry it home for us. She tie a sliver of gold in a small sac and give it to me.
but now she decide it time for me to go, too. She want me buy big bag of rice and carry home.
We leave early in the morning and walk across the ponds. Sea Lion’s friends are so fast. The ponds so deep they take off their pants to get across. Water p to my chest.
I already so tired. We walk into the jungle and then Sea Lion’s friends too fast for me. They leave me behind. But a lof of people escape now, they walk past me to and from the camp, some carry grociers back to Sisophan to trade.
Later in the day a group of men sit near me. I move closer but they donot want to talk to me. They nshare a little bit of rice with me and then a group comes by heading to Battambang.
“be careful,” they say. You have to run so fast. The Vietnamese shoot at you. They just down the road.”
Now we can hear the sounds of rifles firing in the distance. Boom! Boom! Boom! These men stand up, begin to walk. I not want to be left behind again. I rush to keep up with them and then we are in the kill zone. Run so fast. Bullets fly by me. Men so far ahead. My legs so tired. I do not know. I think I will die here.
Finally it is over, I am safe. I fall down to my knees next to a smallgroup of people who are resting in a safe o
An older woman comes to sit beside me. She has grey hair and deep lines scar her face, no teeth. Her leg is wrapped in a big brown bandage, stained with blood. She look so tired.
“You alone?” she asks, offering me some water from her supply of groceries.
“I not fast enough, they leave me behind.”
She is kind woman. She give me dried fish and banana to eat.
“This my second trip,” she says. “Gun hit me yesterday. Not too bad. I have to get food home to my family. They so hungry. I wait here with you while you eat.”
She is quiet. Her injured leg is swelling above the bandage, and an ugly red line stetches beneath her torn sarong. I touch the hot skin and look up into her face. I see fear in her eyes, I know she worry she not fast enough now to escape the bullets. Who feed her family then?
“I fix you, I get all the heat out.”
“no, you have long distance before night. You go now. I be okay. Walk later tonight when not so many soldiers. Much safer.”
I stand and look down at her. She so brave. She protect her famly. She hurt trying to take care of family.
“I loose my family. My daughter, my son. Mi and Ba. You so lucky. Not alone.”
I do not think she hear me anymore. She lay down and close her eyes.
“Just stay on the path with the others. Do not stray far,” she calls after me as I start to walk away. “The jungle here is full of mines. Still long way to go.”
I wak until sunset, still in jungle. I do not think I ever get there.
“Oh my god, why don’t you push me a little bit harder? I cannot walk. My eyes not see so good anymore”
What that? I stop to listen. Music, music from a radio. Not too far..
I am so happy. Don’t know where energy come from. The jungle is behind me. The land clears, it is no longer so dark. I walk so fast, trippig over my feet. Finally, the camp is in front of me. People everywhere. Even hear some laughter. I walk down aisle after aisle of people, little sqaures of families. Looking for Sea Lion.
It is so dark now. Finally, I find him. He hug me, happy to see me.
“Why it take you so long” “
“You run away from me. “
“You walk too slow.They kill me if they catch me. Maybe not do anyting to you. You only a woman.”
He takes me to a section of the camp where he has set up some bedding. “You rest here, I go get some food for us.”
All around me peole talking, babies crying. I not used to so much noise. I can smell food cooking. But I so tired. I lie down on Sea Lion’s mat and close my eyes. When I open them again the sun is high in the sky. Sea Lion has left a bowl of rice and vegetables for me. There is a large bucket of water and a cup to drink from. I look around. What is this new world? All these people? Like me? Still alive. I try to sit up but too weak. My legs on fire. I llie there and reach out fir some vegetables. But I tii weak to eat, Just ckise my eyes again. I am safe for now.
Aunt very nervous. Word comes from two of Sea Lion’s friends that he safe, journey not so dangerous.
Now my turn, Aunt says. She want me to travel to refugee camp where Sea Lion waits, buy big bag of rice and carry it home for us. She tie a sliver of gold in a small sac and give it to me.
but now she decide it time for me to go, too. She want me buy big bag of rice and carry home.
We leave early in the morning and walk across the ponds. Sea Lion’s friends are so fast. The ponds so deep they take off their pants to get across. Water p to my chest.
I already so tired. We walk into the jungle and then Sea Lion’s friends too fast for me. They leave me behind. But a lof of people escape now, they walk past me to and from the camp, some carry grociers back to Sisophan to trade.
Later in the day a group of men sit near me. I move closer but they donot want to talk to me. They nshare a little bit of rice with me and then a group comes by heading to Battambang.
“be careful,” they say. You have to run so fast. The Vietnamese shoot at you. They just down the road.”
Now we can hear the sounds of rifles firing in the distance. Boom! Boom! Boom! These men stand up, begin to walk. I not want to be left behind again. I rush to keep up with them and then we are in the kill zone. Run so fast. Bullets fly by me. Men so far ahead. My legs so tired. I do not know. I think I will die here.
Finally it is over, I am safe. I fall down to my knees next to a smallgroup of people who are resting in a safe o
An older woman comes to sit beside me. She has grey hair and deep lines scar her face, no teeth. Her leg is wrapped in a big brown bandage, stained with blood. She look so tired.
“You alone?” she asks, offering me some water from her supply of groceries.
“I not fast enough, they leave me behind.”
She is kind woman. She give me dried fish and banana to eat.
“This my second trip,” she says. “Gun hit me yesterday. Not too bad. I have to get food home to my family. They so hungry. I wait here with you while you eat.”
She is quiet. Her injured leg is swelling above the bandage, and an ugly red line stetches beneath her torn sarong. I touch the hot skin and look up into her face. I see fear in her eyes, I know she worry she not fast enough now to escape the bullets. Who feed her family then?
“I fix you, I get all the heat out.”
“no, you have long distance before night. You go now. I be okay. Walk later tonight when not so many soldiers. Much safer.”
I stand and look down at her. She so brave. She protect her famly. She hurt trying to take care of family.
“I loose my family. My daughter, my son. Mi and Ba. You so lucky. Not alone.”
I do not think she hear me anymore. She lay down and close her eyes.
“Just stay on the path with the others. Do not stray far,” she calls after me as I start to walk away. “The jungle here is full of mines. Still long way to go.”
I wak until sunset, still in jungle. I do not think I ever get there.
“Oh my god, why don’t you push me a little bit harder? I cannot walk. My eyes not see so good anymore”
What that? I stop to listen. Music, music from a radio. Not too far..
I am so happy. Don’t know where energy come from. The jungle is behind me. The land clears, it is no longer so dark. I walk so fast, trippig over my feet. Finally, the camp is in front of me. People everywhere. Even hear some laughter. I walk down aisle after aisle of people, little sqaures of families. Looking for Sea Lion.
It is so dark now. Finally, I find him. He hug me, happy to see me.
“Why it take you so long” “
“You run away from me. “
“You walk too slow.They kill me if they catch me. Maybe not do anyting to you. You only a woman.”
He takes me to a section of the camp where he has set up some bedding. “You rest here, I go get some food for us.”
All around me peole talking, babies crying. I not used to so much noise. I can smell food cooking. But I so tired. I lie down on Sea Lion’s mat and close my eyes. When I open them again the sun is high in the sky. Sea Lion has left a bowl of rice and vegetables for me. There is a large bucket of water and a cup to drink from. I look around. What is this new world? All these people? Like me? Still alive. I try to sit up but too weak. My legs on fire. I llie there and reach out fir some vegetables. But I tii weak to eat, Just ckise my eyes again. I am safe for now.
Kou: Sisophan
Every day the same. I am the maid. I go to lake, carry back water. My knees still not better. I cannot bend down and come up. I take one pot at a time. Carry on my shoulder. Back and forth two or three times. Then Fix food. After she eat, sleep.
I have no place to go. I know she not want me anymore.
One day I am carrying water. Just so tired. I hear a someone call out my name.
“Bong!”
I turn and see a young man hurring towards me. “Remember me, Bong? Remembe me? From Phnom Phen?”
It is my aunt’s son Sealion, the boy who once drove around the city with us in a fancy car, eating ice cream by the lake.
Oh, I start to cry. Finding family. They like my family.
We are both so happy to find each other.
“Come with me, I take you to meet my mom.” He grabs my pot of water and we walk together. My aunt lives just behind the temple. When I walk in she cry so hard. We all cry.
“Where your family? “She ask.
I tell her about Mi and Pa, about my two children. About my sisters’ children. About the camp. She lost 3 of her seven children.
I tell her about where I am living in the temple, about how I am working for this woman. Trying to find a place to stay. That is all over now, she tell me. You come to live with me now. You come and you be like an older sister to Siphal.
Oh my life is so happy. Aunt has a lot of gold. I take care of them, cook, watch Siphal.
Country full of Vietnamese army. We see them everwhere, when we goto the wells to clean our clothes, when we shop in the markets for food and clothes. Siphal is 18 now. Her skin is so white and the soldiers love her skin. Soldiers are always staring at her. I have to protect her, be her body guard.
We are in Batambang for a few months when Sea Lion starts talking about a camp for all us near the border of Thailand. He says he hears maybe if you are lucky you get to leave and go to the United States. Every day there is more news. Aunt decides we leave for Sisophan near the border. She rents a horse with a wagon for the three of us. Sea Lion is already there.
I have no place to go. I know she not want me anymore.
One day I am carrying water. Just so tired. I hear a someone call out my name.
“Bong!”
I turn and see a young man hurring towards me. “Remember me, Bong? Remembe me? From Phnom Phen?”
It is my aunt’s son Sealion, the boy who once drove around the city with us in a fancy car, eating ice cream by the lake.
Oh, I start to cry. Finding family. They like my family.
We are both so happy to find each other.
“Come with me, I take you to meet my mom.” He grabs my pot of water and we walk together. My aunt lives just behind the temple. When I walk in she cry so hard. We all cry.
“Where your family? “She ask.
I tell her about Mi and Pa, about my two children. About my sisters’ children. About the camp. She lost 3 of her seven children.
I tell her about where I am living in the temple, about how I am working for this woman. Trying to find a place to stay. That is all over now, she tell me. You come to live with me now. You come and you be like an older sister to Siphal.
Oh my life is so happy. Aunt has a lot of gold. I take care of them, cook, watch Siphal.
Country full of Vietnamese army. We see them everwhere, when we goto the wells to clean our clothes, when we shop in the markets for food and clothes. Siphal is 18 now. Her skin is so white and the soldiers love her skin. Soldiers are always staring at her. I have to protect her, be her body guard.
We are in Batambang for a few months when Sea Lion starts talking about a camp for all us near the border of Thailand. He says he hears maybe if you are lucky you get to leave and go to the United States. Every day there is more news. Aunt decides we leave for Sisophan near the border. She rents a horse with a wagon for the three of us. Sea Lion is already there.
Kou: Refugee
Battambang/Refugee/US
Back home
Friend let me borrow one of her new sarongs. I wear it when I decide to walk to Battambang with her friend. She going to see daughter. I want to see Battambang. So pretty, everyone say. Number one city,
So far walk for 2 nights and 3 days. Everytme it is too hot we cannot walk, sleep under tree of empty house.
Wow! Big temple. Go inside and find friend. She so happy to see me. I am so tired I cannot walk anymore so when it time to go back I say no, too sore. Come back later. Give her sarong to bring back with her. Send message to sister “come here, big city. We buy big bag rice, make living.”
I become maid to friend so she let me stay with her. I cook, clean, shop, give kid shower, give her massage. Wash clothes. One day I ask to borrow some money to do a business for myself.
She cut me a little business. I walk far away to buy oranges. I bring to market and sell to make extra money. Sometimes I buy meat and exchange for rice.
Every night the takes boat across river to watch soap opera with best friend. I not go with her, boatride make me too sick. But I afraid to stay in temple alone at night. So dark.
After couple weeks no more gold for me.
“Time for you to get married and move away,” she say. “Can’t afford to take care of yo anymore.”
Gee my god, what can I do? Where the man can I marry?
No longer pretty young girl. No man want me now. I cannot go back to sister.
Every day she complain not enough gold to keep you. Find new home. SoI start sending notes to the camp to try to contact sister Finally, I see man from camp, ask about sister.
Sister return to Phnom Phen, he say. She go with others, walk for one or two months.
Khmer control the camp, but they don’t know what to do. They so mean.
Back home
Friend let me borrow one of her new sarongs. I wear it when I decide to walk to Battambang with her friend. She going to see daughter. I want to see Battambang. So pretty, everyone say. Number one city,
So far walk for 2 nights and 3 days. Everytme it is too hot we cannot walk, sleep under tree of empty house.
Wow! Big temple. Go inside and find friend. She so happy to see me. I am so tired I cannot walk anymore so when it time to go back I say no, too sore. Come back later. Give her sarong to bring back with her. Send message to sister “come here, big city. We buy big bag rice, make living.”
I become maid to friend so she let me stay with her. I cook, clean, shop, give kid shower, give her massage. Wash clothes. One day I ask to borrow some money to do a business for myself.
She cut me a little business. I walk far away to buy oranges. I bring to market and sell to make extra money. Sometimes I buy meat and exchange for rice.
Every night the takes boat across river to watch soap opera with best friend. I not go with her, boatride make me too sick. But I afraid to stay in temple alone at night. So dark.
After couple weeks no more gold for me.
“Time for you to get married and move away,” she say. “Can’t afford to take care of yo anymore.”
Gee my god, what can I do? Where the man can I marry?
No longer pretty young girl. No man want me now. I cannot go back to sister.
Every day she complain not enough gold to keep you. Find new home. SoI start sending notes to the camp to try to contact sister Finally, I see man from camp, ask about sister.
Sister return to Phnom Phen, he say. She go with others, walk for one or two months.
Khmer control the camp, but they don’t know what to do. They so mean.
Kou: More Trouble
Unka want you, 1977 …
She is in another £5. Took my brother ikn law, said he was cia , because the guy who used to work for his brother
‘
after a year, two year during day tied himn in a rope. Boxers no shoes, no shirt.
Sister with daughter. Nothing you can
Older sister with 5 children she in battembomg and husband…. Near boarder of Thailand.
Ghost
My feet infection. I went to the farm and I got scrach and swollen, cannot walk, ccannot go.
I sty home by myslef.
A coupld of nights before
2 or 3 weeks I cannot walk.
One time I sleep during day time, I hear the voice of 2 women, mosquito net,
“open, open I want to go sleep with you.”I want to go too, I want to go too.”
I am so scared but I cannot get up. They went to work sisters.
I told my sister, nobody believe me.
Open the net
After a coupld of nights there is a meeting, not the same house. My house is new, near the a lot of empty houses where peple are dead alreaady. A big tree a lot of ghosts in them. The tree is spirit and 2 of my sisters they go to meeting and I sleep.
Hear like cow and a cat they chasing run oer over over, we have no cat
Always moving. Pack up in sack.
One time I feel so thirsty eat something like ice, have meeting and they call PUCKMAY, comehere tgonight we have ice tea. Big pot , they big bowl of ice or huge huge vat of ice team
Gee im not feeling vefry good. Big storm rain, its winter and water coming into house. Everything got so wet, never cold like this. I hear hail I ran out, ie eat it, it feels so good…..
I have ice that day…
Tomorrow we have party for you. We have good food for you, curry.
Four o us sit together, split in 4, small meet for each, keep and eat for itself.
We sing when we gbo to rice field. If nice they don’t report us.
The fun thing when we get the rice we have rice to eat and that time of year they let you go find your own food. We live in rice field. Not so strict
1977 kr government changes and than mman who wouldn’t give me the food for my mom.
A new group and take old one out. Told old one who, guy go his wife go, a lot go, even you new you can go. Cows & wagons 20 o0f them wait in front of cafeteria.
Microphone, new OnCA come, who want to come, move you to better place. A lot of pepole go. They take them, they kill them all. Someone told me. His own son in KR army, when you join even your mother father is nothing to you. Only unka love you.
New one come they give us more things to do, not so hungry.
Middle guy when I escape and come back with myt sister, he is so nice. He die too. They took him away too. Three of us always fight.
We always fight, even now.
One time he come to us and he burn a fire in front of cafeteria. He call me and 2 odf my sister come. We sit with him. I know 3 of you for a long time. Since parents , kids. Know only you, three piece 3
3 heads to make a fire, put pot on
3 of you look like a piece of a stove, you need each other. Two of you cannot do anything.
Call us daughter, stop, share, stop fighting.
You cannot say something,
2nd sister Cambodia
5th sister here in richmond okay
we try not to fighyt anymore. When the others come change power, he is gone.
Only is daughter didn’t go.
He is the had, he look like a man.
Put me one week in mans house he is governor.
Government contyrolled my couty.
This guy important. They built the stage and sit there and watch you work, they have a roof too. He is on stage he pints me out. The guy do the damn. So big aftger we cut rice we have to go there to work on damn ….. big rain, everyone is so strong. I have one brick.
That guy he is so big, he pointed to me. Look at her she cannot walk, what is going on. Maybe he doesn’t want to kill me. I got so scared.
She is in another £5. Took my brother ikn law, said he was cia , because the guy who used to work for his brother
‘
after a year, two year during day tied himn in a rope. Boxers no shoes, no shirt.
Sister with daughter. Nothing you can
Older sister with 5 children she in battembomg and husband…. Near boarder of Thailand.
Ghost
My feet infection. I went to the farm and I got scrach and swollen, cannot walk, ccannot go.
I sty home by myslef.
A coupld of nights before
2 or 3 weeks I cannot walk.
One time I sleep during day time, I hear the voice of 2 women, mosquito net,
“open, open I want to go sleep with you.”I want to go too, I want to go too.”
I am so scared but I cannot get up. They went to work sisters.
I told my sister, nobody believe me.
Open the net
After a coupld of nights there is a meeting, not the same house. My house is new, near the a lot of empty houses where peple are dead alreaady. A big tree a lot of ghosts in them. The tree is spirit and 2 of my sisters they go to meeting and I sleep.
Hear like cow and a cat they chasing run oer over over, we have no cat
Always moving. Pack up in sack.
One time I feel so thirsty eat something like ice, have meeting and they call PUCKMAY, comehere tgonight we have ice tea. Big pot , they big bowl of ice or huge huge vat of ice team
Gee im not feeling vefry good. Big storm rain, its winter and water coming into house. Everything got so wet, never cold like this. I hear hail I ran out, ie eat it, it feels so good…..
I have ice that day…
Tomorrow we have party for you. We have good food for you, curry.
Four o us sit together, split in 4, small meet for each, keep and eat for itself.
We sing when we gbo to rice field. If nice they don’t report us.
The fun thing when we get the rice we have rice to eat and that time of year they let you go find your own food. We live in rice field. Not so strict
1977 kr government changes and than mman who wouldn’t give me the food for my mom.
A new group and take old one out. Told old one who, guy go his wife go, a lot go, even you new you can go. Cows & wagons 20 o0f them wait in front of cafeteria.
Microphone, new OnCA come, who want to come, move you to better place. A lot of pepole go. They take them, they kill them all. Someone told me. His own son in KR army, when you join even your mother father is nothing to you. Only unka love you.
New one come they give us more things to do, not so hungry.
Middle guy when I escape and come back with myt sister, he is so nice. He die too. They took him away too. Three of us always fight.
We always fight, even now.
One time he come to us and he burn a fire in front of cafeteria. He call me and 2 odf my sister come. We sit with him. I know 3 of you for a long time. Since parents , kids. Know only you, three piece 3
3 heads to make a fire, put pot on
3 of you look like a piece of a stove, you need each other. Two of you cannot do anything.
Call us daughter, stop, share, stop fighting.
You cannot say something,
2nd sister Cambodia
5th sister here in richmond okay
we try not to fighyt anymore. When the others come change power, he is gone.
Only is daughter didn’t go.
He is the had, he look like a man.
Put me one week in mans house he is governor.
Government contyrolled my couty.
This guy important. They built the stage and sit there and watch you work, they have a roof too. He is on stage he pints me out. The guy do the damn. So big aftger we cut rice we have to go there to work on damn ….. big rain, everyone is so strong. I have one brick.
That guy he is so big, he pointed to me. Look at her she cannot walk, what is going on. Maybe he doesn’t want to kill me. I got so scared.
Kou: Trouble Again
Couple monthds later rouble again. I come home everyting is okay and 1978
My older sister
One county need a worker and my sister oldeer go theytook her
Me and my youjger sister…..
You thiknk we can escape, so easy across the warter.
Opne day me and my sister escape and it is summer time. Just cross the lake water waist high
Cople months meet older sister, ok because they need worker so they took us.
No fun, nobody firnedly, me and my younger sister, you think we can go back. Okay lets go back.
We cross lake to come home, you run away you come home you are a criminal.
Cafeteria. They don’t want you to stay. No food. You haved to go to the head of county. They take us to head of county.
Ok, you live there. One week. In morning, three of the army take us to go the rice field. Gete up at 4. Work only 2 of us, army sit and watch us. Allmy friends the other side they look at us. Friends why you that?
12 take back to lunch. Punish us. Every day back and forth. No rest.
At night they act so friendly to you. He’s older I call him Pook father. He ask me small talk but not small talk uou not careful yuou be dead. I sleep near peantus raw if you are careful watch you everything. Everynight he come to talk to me. He say you dead, you dead.
Where you grow up.
I grow up small town, my grandma … make up
What fater do, grow rice, grow vegetable.
Who you married to
Married to motocycle.; 2 kids die
When I was youjng work with mom do knitting.
Warn sister not to open house.
Back of his house, I see a body that is not even buried. Who did they kill last night?
That day when I sleep I saw my mom come again. In my sleep and stroke my head…. Told my sister, saw mom last night, we going to be free. You the one want to escape, come back… she angry.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow you don’t have to come here again. Today the army guy is going to take you somewhere.
Put us in £1 with stronger people. I never go to that grop before. They want to kill us.
We go to pick up all the heay things, lifting heavy stuff I cannot do it. So lucky that we didn’t get killed. We work there and then sometime we go to do
My older sister
One county need a worker and my sister oldeer go theytook her
Me and my youjger sister…..
You thiknk we can escape, so easy across the warter.
Opne day me and my sister escape and it is summer time. Just cross the lake water waist high
Cople months meet older sister, ok because they need worker so they took us.
No fun, nobody firnedly, me and my younger sister, you think we can go back. Okay lets go back.
We cross lake to come home, you run away you come home you are a criminal.
Cafeteria. They don’t want you to stay. No food. You haved to go to the head of county. They take us to head of county.
Ok, you live there. One week. In morning, three of the army take us to go the rice field. Gete up at 4. Work only 2 of us, army sit and watch us. Allmy friends the other side they look at us. Friends why you that?
12 take back to lunch. Punish us. Every day back and forth. No rest.
At night they act so friendly to you. He’s older I call him Pook father. He ask me small talk but not small talk uou not careful yuou be dead. I sleep near peantus raw if you are careful watch you everything. Everynight he come to talk to me. He say you dead, you dead.
Where you grow up.
I grow up small town, my grandma … make up
What fater do, grow rice, grow vegetable.
Who you married to
Married to motocycle.; 2 kids die
When I was youjng work with mom do knitting.
Warn sister not to open house.
Back of his house, I see a body that is not even buried. Who did they kill last night?
That day when I sleep I saw my mom come again. In my sleep and stroke my head…. Told my sister, saw mom last night, we going to be free. You the one want to escape, come back… she angry.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow you don’t have to come here again. Today the army guy is going to take you somewhere.
Put us in £1 with stronger people. I never go to that grop before. They want to kill us.
We go to pick up all the heay things, lifting heavy stuff I cannot do it. So lucky that we didn’t get killed. We work there and then sometime we go to do
Kou: Sick
Noise chattering teeth wake me. Heavy heat press down on me like turtle shell. Trapped inside in thick black blanket freezing with fever. Too guilty to call sister. She need all her strength. Enough to work for both of us now. Pull damp skirt up around waist and pee through bamboo mat.
No shame, too sick.
Lie still, listen heavy rain, nightblind chicken waiting for bright slash yellow wake eyes. Like every time, worry what if this time eyes stay sleeping? Wide awake terror rush into body, hard to breathe.
For weeks we work in vast rains chest-high water fix broken damn. Need water for next rice crop. Big boss sit and watch us work. See him point to me, ask question to man next to him. Maybe twenty times I fall in rushing water. Only carry one small block clay each time. Too weak, I no help. What he do with me? Big noise as wall of mud slides free from bank. Big boss distracted, looks away.
I safe for now.
Each day we eat lunch in field beside the damn. no break from the work. Wash clothes at night, still damp, heavy with mud each morning.
Rain no stop. Every day just after noon I get fever, shaking “oooh, so cold” ; then burning with heat
That how I get too sick to work. Just lie on mat. Sometimes Ta comes to see me, sneak me a couple of dry fish. He never talk, just leave food. Crawl over to egg-sized piece of dry fish wrapped in banana, enough food for week.
Sometimes my neighbor bring me lunch. More dry fish. Add to dry rice, soak in water. Oh, so hungry. Food all I think about. Sometimes so hungry I eat rain there so much energy in rain. Help me a lot.
“Why you so scared,” I ask myself. “What worse could happen? They kill you because you blind? That a blessing.”
Sound nearby distract me. Woman crying. She being calling to her mother.
“Wake up, Mi. Wake up.”
She live three huts away. Like me, her mother too sick to work for long time now. Last time I see her, her legs swollen big , skin cracked like dry bark dying stump old oak tree. No way she live long. Her spriit ready to leave. Who want to be that person now? She all dried out, brown inside, no branches left.
Crying, crying, so loud. Want to warn her. “Stop now or they take you, too. Why you carry on so? You had your mom much longer than we did. You lucky.”
So angry. She wake everyone, now everyone tired at work. She so selfish.
Smell of rotting earth, mildew, my pee so powerful I feel stomach water rising in throat. Hot, burning. I turn my head, vomit hot bile. Burn throat.
Sister sleep through everything. When she wake in morning, she notice nothing, smell nothing. She leave bowl hot rice water, Not word.
Much later. So hot. I crawl to open door for air. Older woman walk by. Oh, someone to help me.
“Wait, wait,” Maybe I delirious, I reach out arm. “Will you be my mom?” She has mean face, deep lines, mouth curved down, muddy thin legs. She passes, not even look at me.
Crying dry tears… crying when they come with cart and take neighbor’s body away. She come home to empty house tonight. Now she like me, no life to live for.
Much later I open eyes. Green lizard in mint tree. Just outside. Maybe my body no move, but hunger still move inside me.
“Oh, you lizard, I going to eat you.” That lizard, he know he safe. He play in that tree, tease me forever. No danger from me.
Deep inside just want to die. Sleep, Wake up. Still here. Still starving. Still here.
Only couple day and sister carry me to hospital where Mi die. “My sister no longer swallow food,” she say. Then she leave for work.Not even hug me good-bye ,she know what happen to people in hospital. Maybe never see me again.
Nurse use herbs and incense burn nine holes on my stomach. My throat so hot, gas come up. Only rice come out. Body stop digesting food. Burn my stomach two more times, gets better.
Why you make me better? Why you not let me die? Why you want me live so hungry? This not living. Better dead.
Lie in bed day after day watching ducks through slats in hospital floor. Quacking big plump white ducks. You just like green salamander, you mean ducks. You know you safe from me. Give me strength to catch you like I catch sister’s chicken. You be so good in soup. When not watching ducks look out into field outside hospital. Every day see Group leader Pong leave with empty sac and head out on long trip across fieds.
Pong many jobs. He mind cows, herd cattle and collect food. I watch every day from hospital; he come home with all sorts of things. Big sack of vegetables. He feed family. His wife so strong, she monster.
“You sick today?” she ask. “Okay, okay. No problem. Just stay home. But no eat.” This what she do with Mi. This how she treat eveyone.
Soon I know exactly what time Pong return. See him from far away. Big sack of food over shoulder. One day I find cane, walk out sit under a tree wait for him. He see me and stop. Give me all kinds of vegetable. Ah, so good, eating sour tamarind before they ripe.
Few days later very very sick man lying on mat beside me. So much pain he cry out every minute. Oh,he going to die soon. Nurse come over, give him something round and black, like Hershey kiss. Very quick he become silent, making soft sounds now. He not same sick anguish man see before.
“What she give you?”
“Something to help me go to bathroom. When I go only puss and blood.This helping me.” Then he just fall asleep.
Everyday, sometimes two times nurse give man this hershey kiss medicine. He become so happy. He even start talking to me.
So one day I see nurse coming and start groaning. “Oh my stomache hurt so bad. When I poo only blood.”
She give me small piece of medicine. It tastes so good and so I ask again and again. Finally, I give man all of my tamarind and he give me a few magic kisses. Soon I feel so good. Think I too drunk. Fall asleep. Nurses think I am dead. Sister comes to see me and still I sleep. When I wake up find out secret; magic kisses are marijuana.
I feel stronger every day and then so hungry. I work around cafeteria so can eat extra food. After they clean fish I say “Oh, don’t throw that away, I take it.” Gather fish heads, skin, liver and make soup. Someone tell me live help your eyes and they right. Soon I see again.
I one of lucky ones, I guess. Soon I leave hospital. Walk home so slow. Nothing there for me anyway.
No shame, too sick.
Lie still, listen heavy rain, nightblind chicken waiting for bright slash yellow wake eyes. Like every time, worry what if this time eyes stay sleeping? Wide awake terror rush into body, hard to breathe.
For weeks we work in vast rains chest-high water fix broken damn. Need water for next rice crop. Big boss sit and watch us work. See him point to me, ask question to man next to him. Maybe twenty times I fall in rushing water. Only carry one small block clay each time. Too weak, I no help. What he do with me? Big noise as wall of mud slides free from bank. Big boss distracted, looks away.
I safe for now.
Each day we eat lunch in field beside the damn. no break from the work. Wash clothes at night, still damp, heavy with mud each morning.
Rain no stop. Every day just after noon I get fever, shaking “oooh, so cold” ; then burning with heat
That how I get too sick to work. Just lie on mat. Sometimes Ta comes to see me, sneak me a couple of dry fish. He never talk, just leave food. Crawl over to egg-sized piece of dry fish wrapped in banana, enough food for week.
Sometimes my neighbor bring me lunch. More dry fish. Add to dry rice, soak in water. Oh, so hungry. Food all I think about. Sometimes so hungry I eat rain there so much energy in rain. Help me a lot.
“Why you so scared,” I ask myself. “What worse could happen? They kill you because you blind? That a blessing.”
Sound nearby distract me. Woman crying. She being calling to her mother.
“Wake up, Mi. Wake up.”
She live three huts away. Like me, her mother too sick to work for long time now. Last time I see her, her legs swollen big , skin cracked like dry bark dying stump old oak tree. No way she live long. Her spriit ready to leave. Who want to be that person now? She all dried out, brown inside, no branches left.
Crying, crying, so loud. Want to warn her. “Stop now or they take you, too. Why you carry on so? You had your mom much longer than we did. You lucky.”
So angry. She wake everyone, now everyone tired at work. She so selfish.
Smell of rotting earth, mildew, my pee so powerful I feel stomach water rising in throat. Hot, burning. I turn my head, vomit hot bile. Burn throat.
Sister sleep through everything. When she wake in morning, she notice nothing, smell nothing. She leave bowl hot rice water, Not word.
Much later. So hot. I crawl to open door for air. Older woman walk by. Oh, someone to help me.
“Wait, wait,” Maybe I delirious, I reach out arm. “Will you be my mom?” She has mean face, deep lines, mouth curved down, muddy thin legs. She passes, not even look at me.
Crying dry tears… crying when they come with cart and take neighbor’s body away. She come home to empty house tonight. Now she like me, no life to live for.
Much later I open eyes. Green lizard in mint tree. Just outside. Maybe my body no move, but hunger still move inside me.
“Oh, you lizard, I going to eat you.” That lizard, he know he safe. He play in that tree, tease me forever. No danger from me.
Deep inside just want to die. Sleep, Wake up. Still here. Still starving. Still here.
Only couple day and sister carry me to hospital where Mi die. “My sister no longer swallow food,” she say. Then she leave for work.Not even hug me good-bye ,she know what happen to people in hospital. Maybe never see me again.
Nurse use herbs and incense burn nine holes on my stomach. My throat so hot, gas come up. Only rice come out. Body stop digesting food. Burn my stomach two more times, gets better.
Why you make me better? Why you not let me die? Why you want me live so hungry? This not living. Better dead.
Lie in bed day after day watching ducks through slats in hospital floor. Quacking big plump white ducks. You just like green salamander, you mean ducks. You know you safe from me. Give me strength to catch you like I catch sister’s chicken. You be so good in soup. When not watching ducks look out into field outside hospital. Every day see Group leader Pong leave with empty sac and head out on long trip across fieds.
Pong many jobs. He mind cows, herd cattle and collect food. I watch every day from hospital; he come home with all sorts of things. Big sack of vegetables. He feed family. His wife so strong, she monster.
“You sick today?” she ask. “Okay, okay. No problem. Just stay home. But no eat.” This what she do with Mi. This how she treat eveyone.
Soon I know exactly what time Pong return. See him from far away. Big sack of food over shoulder. One day I find cane, walk out sit under a tree wait for him. He see me and stop. Give me all kinds of vegetable. Ah, so good, eating sour tamarind before they ripe.
Few days later very very sick man lying on mat beside me. So much pain he cry out every minute. Oh,he going to die soon. Nurse come over, give him something round and black, like Hershey kiss. Very quick he become silent, making soft sounds now. He not same sick anguish man see before.
“What she give you?”
“Something to help me go to bathroom. When I go only puss and blood.This helping me.” Then he just fall asleep.
Everyday, sometimes two times nurse give man this hershey kiss medicine. He become so happy. He even start talking to me.
So one day I see nurse coming and start groaning. “Oh my stomache hurt so bad. When I poo only blood.”
She give me small piece of medicine. It tastes so good and so I ask again and again. Finally, I give man all of my tamarind and he give me a few magic kisses. Soon I feel so good. Think I too drunk. Fall asleep. Nurses think I am dead. Sister comes to see me and still I sleep. When I wake up find out secret; magic kisses are marijuana.
I feel stronger every day and then so hungry. I work around cafeteria so can eat extra food. After they clean fish I say “Oh, don’t throw that away, I take it.” Gather fish heads, skin, liver and make soup. Someone tell me live help your eyes and they right. Soon I see again.
I one of lucky ones, I guess. Soon I leave hospital. Walk home so slow. Nothing there for me anyway.
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